What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
What would you do?
3
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 7:19pm
For those of us that are married that may be having an affair with another married person, we (well, some of us) still try and keep some sort of intimacy in our marriages. My MM just told me that his wife is pregnant. I am so upset because although we don't like to talk (or even think) about either of us sleeping with our spouses, this was proof that he does and I wish that he was more careful. Ever since he told me the news, he has been so upset at losing me more than anything. I told him once that if he and his wife decide to work it out and try for a second child (she's been wanting a second one for a while), that I would not be sticking around. He (and I) didn't expect it to happen like this. This is apparently the fourth time they've slept together in 8 months and she gets pregnant.

One thing that I just realized (since this was unexpected)...walking away is a lot harder than I thought. To be honest, the "idea" that another child was conceived while I was around kills me. I admit that I am intimate with my husband (not much, but it still happens), so there's a part of me that thinks that we're doing the same thing. Problem is...his resulted in a pregnancy. Since this has happened, I'm just sick and torn up about it and he hasn't been getting any sleep and am just getting sick over the fact the he may lose me over this. He says that he completely understands and will respect whatever I decide to do. We both realize now that we care more about each other than we cared to admit. I know I should walk away since a future together (in my eyes) is no longer an option. He's flying in this weekend so we can talk. I think we just need to comfort each other more than anything. A part of me wants to walk away BUT...my heart still wants him around. I think I love this man but what options do we have?

Is it so wrong to try and continue what we've got? Accept that we should continue our separate lives, live up to our responsibilities yet continue what we have on the side? The only difference would be that the fantasy that we both had that we will be together someday be erased because it seems impossible right now.

Since this has happened here are my feelings:

1. I have a wonderful husband that I love and I've decided that I probably will no longer leave him.

2. I don't feel good about a "future" with my MM (if things ever fell apart) because beforehand, I was able to accept that he already had a son but to think that another was conceived while I was around kills me.

3. My heart does not want to let him go and I am grasping trying to figure out how I can still keep him in my life.

Am I making sense at all? I don't know what to do...can someone share their thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: torn22
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 11:13pm

Hi torn,


It really all depends on what you want out of this relationship with your MM.


I've been in a relationship with MM for over 3 and a half years now... after about 2 weeks of knowing MM he informs that his wife was 6 weeks pregnant... they were having many problems and this was a child that he wasn't sure he wanted.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
In reply to: torn22
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 2:25pm
It sounds like what is bothering you is that you told MM that you would not stick around if he and his W decided to have another child. I think you really do want to stick around even though she is expecting. If you really want to continue your relationship, don't let this stop you. He will probably enjoy his time with you more over the next two years because of the pregnancy and new baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
In reply to: torn22
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 12:02am
Thank you so much for your responses.

I suppose we need to just lay our feelings on the line and see what we can or cannot deal with, especially within the next 8 months. MM and I have been torn for the past 8 months about trying to figure out if we needed to leave our marriages and be together. The number one reason for his delay was a very young son (just turned 1) and my reason had been that it's not as easy to leave a husband who I happen to think is pretty wonderful. Now that he and his wife are having another baby, I suppose I just need to figure out how much I can tolerate.

As strange as this may sound, part of the reason why this tears me apart and tempts me to stay is...aside from my affection for him, is his concern over me. To know that he has not been able to sleep and been upset over losing me amidst this unbelieveble situation that he is in is touching to me. He is terrified of losing me and that shows me (to me) how much he cares.

During our long talks, I just kept thinking that he didn't want this and this wasn't planned, at least not on his part. I told him that I felt that I have been cheated on but then again, I have to look at myself in the mirror and know that I too sleep with my husband.

I cannot tell you how appreciative I am to be able to write from my heart and share my situation with you. Thank you for your input. It helps tremendously. Wish me luck about our talk. I'm sure I'll be in touch.