Need some advice please........

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Need some advice please........
1
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 1:09am
I need some help tonight........

(Tuesday first day) I have been seeing MM 12 years and 6 weeks ago the affair was discovered by his W & family....through PI and other means (cell phone records.etc...) Anyway here is the recap, I have been married 23 years and he has been married 38 years.......I am 40 he is 56.....In the past 12 years.....we have never had NC longer than 1 or 2 days......and never more than 1 day in the past 7 years. We have spent at the minimum, one time a week and one full weekend a month together for the past 6 years.

(Sunday sixth day) When we were on our way back from one of our trips - we had just spent four days ( Thurs - Sun ) together and said he was 99% sure he would be leaving his house and his wife - his two sons had come to my house that Friday night to tell my H that I was having EMA with their dad.......... Was my H surprised? NO - he busted me 10 years ago with the same man...I confronted the issue first thing when I got home and the only question my H ask was "Did I love MM?", and I told him, "Yes I did".

I had told MM when we got back from our trip 6 weeks ago that if he wanted to work it out with his wife I was fine with that.....but the end of the EMA for me would be if he at that point - ( discovery after 12 years ) - would continue sleeping with his W.

I thought for sure he was leaving his wife because that is what he told me...........didn't happen.....

Second day from our trip... he calls and says he needs to try and make it his marriage work...he still loves me and nothing has changed between us... but he had to say what he did in front of his W - but he didn’t mean it - he loves me he says.

Third day... he calls and says no more contact... but I still can call him and he is calling me several times a day and giving me updates on the status of his marriage and kids. He said his W was having a nervous breakdown...and was going to doctor/counselor.

Fourth day - we meet and he says he has told his W that we are meeting and he owed me that.....he said he cried to his wife about how much he loved me..blah, blah, blah

His two sons are ( 36 & 30 years old )by the way.

One week - Says he can no longer see me......has to make it work at home or his sons will hate him - that is what they are telling him. Now he is confused.....he dont know what to do...He loves two women but is telling me he loves me more and I am the real one he wants to be with....W gets on medication for nerves.

Second week - Mostly the only contact is when I am calling him......he told his sons he would not call me and he didn’t want to lie about it.. (OMG)

Third week... I am still calling and he says he was still telling his family he loved me.....His wife files for divorce and freezes all his assets.

Fourth week... my MM called me at work and ask me to meet him at the Holiday Inn bar for a drink and that is it...Just talk. Not by choice...just by the circumstances we are currently in. (paranoid we are being watched...followed) After we had been there approx. 40 min - his son (35 years old) calls and then says he is drunk and hangs up. Of course MM is feeling extremely guilty....Then son calls back again and his dad know he is drunk and starts cussing him because he was thinking his dad was meeting me. His daughter-in-law was waiting when we come out of the bar......yelling, cussing me.....and my MM just walked to his truck and I continued to my car.....then she called my cell phone and cursed me like a dog and then tried to run me over with her SUV after I left the parking lot.

Fast forward...( me calling his cell, his work phone and him calling me at least twice a day, he left home 3 times but for only 2 days at a time...wow!!!)


Fifth week (Saturday)....... met him in a small town from where we live at a hotel and made love for 3 hours.....not unusual lenght of time.....but unseal that it has been 5 weeks since we had made love...(Sunday).....I called his office and he said his W told him that she and their two sons and two daughter-in-laws are coming to my house to tell my 15 year old daughter what her mother was doing if I didn’t stop calling him.

I was so furious......

I drove out to his office at closing time and pulled right up to the front door. I had been talking to him on his cell until I got there to make sure where he was going to be. I told him that I had enough of him not being able to decide what he was going to do. He started crying and saying he loves me...blah, blah, blah...He said he was in the middle of a situation he couldn’t get out of......I told him I was taking myself out of the middle.....I was through with the b-chit. He didn’t have to make a choice now - I was making it for him, his W and myself. I said more stuff but I really wanted to smack him good, and told him so.

After we each leave, he follows me and motions that we pull over into a parking lot close to where we both live ( we live about 2 miles from each other ). I told him to tell him W that I was not calling him anymore and she wins......

I told him if there would be any contact - he would have to be the one making it.


Sure enough.....next day - he started calling at least twice a day...and confessing his love for me...blah, blah, blah....

Currently - (tonight) - we meet at the gym he called me from......he is still as handsome and sexy as ever.....OMG...

I know that I am not - and could not continue sleeping with my H after I fell in-love with MM. We have been honest with each other through the years (as honest as two people having an EMA can be) and through all of this mess we created for everyone involved.

Tonight at the gym, I ask him had they (MM & W) had sex yet and he swore on his kids life that they have not.....I told him when and if they did....we were through and I mean that. That would be the ultimate decision maker for me... that he really has chosen to stay with his wife and continue having a relationship with her. If that happens - I am history and I hope I can erase him out of my life without much more pain than I have endured the past six weeks......and perhaps gain insight as to where the last 12 years have gone.

I know the ultimatum about sleeping with his wife is steep but I have drawn a line in the sand and I am not crossing it now – that is my boundary.


Any advice???

Thanks for listening,

Silly





Edited 11/27/2003 8:44:21 AM ET by lillsilly

Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 1:52pm
Holy crap! Man I can't iamgine what your head is going through right now. After writing that all out tho I figured you deserved some kind of response. You haven't mentioned what is going on at home tho between you and husband. If you are 100% positive you don't love him and can't make it work then your first priority should be working things out with him, figuring out divorce, etc. You owe him that much after so many years of marriage.

And I'm just going to say it- the tough words... your MM is W.E.A.K. His sons are grown and he's still worried about what they think?!?!?! Give me a break- he is still at home because it's easy and comfortable, it's what he knows. Now granted he has been married for a very very long time but think about what kind of a future you have with someone who can't committ himself to you in the toughest of times. I think drawing the line and telling him straight is the only recourse you can take. And in the meantime you need to talk to a lawyer about a restraining order from his family- or order of protection. His daughter in law tried to run you over and they are threatening you and your family (your daughter is a minor for pete's sake!!) I know this sounds pretty harsh honey but tell your MM he needs to stick up for you NOW- enough is enough. He should be telling his family it is his fault, they need to focus on him not you and that they leave you alone or he doesn't give a crap about any of them anymore. Lots of hugs, I imagine it's not such a great Turkey Day. Good luck.