update: URGENT man needs help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
update: URGENT man needs help
2
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 8:08am
Well, as I've done after the last 2 times I tried to break up with OW, (this time I think it was a mutual breakup), I went runing back at 6 am to beg her to reconsider. She said no. I returned the next day, and said I wouldn;t leave until we talked. I put on my pajamas (I havd been living there on a off for 2 months), and she called cops who asked me to leave. Now it over. I want to die. We shopped for TV's togetyer and lamps, etc., it was like our apt! I could come and go as I please -- now that 's over!

But since I tried to break it off, many be that means this is what I wanted all along? The fear is that I broke it off those times because it was the cheaper , easier alternative to divorce. I don't think so, I think I truly wanted to be with my wife, even though I am/was in love with OW. Am I nuts????

(last post)

I'm about to be arrested or committed...please help, anyone who can read this.

I began an EMA at the beginning of July. The woman was 24, I was 42...she lived with parents. This made things tough, but it was clear we cared about each other and were in love -- it started as romantic dating, not with sex.

We talked about my getting an apartment, then she said she would get her own. After some coaxing, I convinced her to let me live there for a while, but at last miniute she said no -- then said we could only be friends, This devistated me, and for 1 and a half weeks I was in psychiatrists offices, missed work for the 1st time in 6 years, etc. She wanted no romantic relationship.

During that time I text mailed her telling her i was sick, and she replied. Next thing you know, we were back together, and when she moved into her apt. I was LIVING there half of the week or more! I culd have stayed all week. She gave me my own keys, closet space, pajamas, everything I thought would never happen. It was a miracle!

But -- my wife was hurt, and I ended up spending more time back with my wife -- making excuses to the girlfriend about why I couldn't spend the night (had to watch my kids, etc.) I tried to break it up/slow it down on Halloween, but chickened out a day later, and we were back stronger than ever! A coupe of weeks later I thgouht going back to wife was best so I left a note and her keys in girldfriends apt ending it -- but a day later I chickened out, showed up at midmnight and begged forgiveness for 2 hours until she took me back.

A week ago I only stayed with her ONE night -- said I had daughter party to attend to and other things to so, so told her I was staying in my office. This I could tell upset her, and even thoguh she said to stay at my daughters party and NOT come to see her that night I rushed out to her apt. to set things right. She said she was boithered by my constantly "rushing t see her" at the hint of a big probolem -- I expained I loved her and wanted to nip these things in the bud, but I suggested if this and other tings (fear of her dealing with my kids, etc) were bothering her, maybe we should split.

After thanksgiving we picked up the conversation and she said she wanted to split, I quickly agreed, but guess WHAT? Next day, 6 am, I showed up at apt usinga spare set of keys i didnt tell her about and tried to reconcile. She was livid that i didnt tell her/return spare set of keys, *(she asked if I had one anbd I said no, but claimed I misuberstood what she said) she says its over.

What should I do? Go through the roller coasr again? I tried to break it 3 times -- or was that just guilt over leaving wife? Should I try to win her back ?? I feel like dying today and I dont know why!!!! Please offer some help!!!! SHuld I try to win her back????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 8:11am
If you want to end it with her, just do it and don't go back. I know how hard it can be, but you have to do what is best for both of you. Breaking up and then continuing to change your mind, is just causing more pain. Make a decision and stick with it....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 9:27am
My dear fellow, as I said before, it may have been *like* your (plural) apartment, but it was in actuality only *her* apartment. When she asked you to leave, you should have left without waiting for the cops. You seem upset that you can no longer "come and go as I please". It sounds like this woman needs and is demanding control over her territory and her life. You can no longer come and go as you please into her apartment, and you can no longer come and go as you please in her life. She got tired of your waffling between her and your wife. I'm sure your wife probably feels the same way.

If you were breaking it off all those times because it was an easier, cheaper alternative for divorce, I think you should break it off with OW and divorce your wife. Breaking it off with OW should be about doing the right thing for you and OW. You are just making yourself sound selfish, wanting to run back and forth between them whenever you feel guilty about the one you left this go-round, and treating leaving your OW and going back to your wife as a cheaper, easier alternative to divorce. I bet your wife doesn't want to be thought of as cheap or easy, and you seem to be treating both women that way.

I *am* sorry to come down on you harshly, tonyshep, but you need to realize that you are acting like a little boy and not a man, and as a father, you just can't afford to do that. Think of it as tough-love.

I truly empathize; dealing with these emotions is difficult. A mid-life crisis is not an excuse to act like a child. It is a wake-up call for you to talk to your counselor or psychiatrist/psychologist. Work on fixing yourself and I promise these other things will take care of themselves.