This is the only safe place to "talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
This is the only safe place to "talk"
12
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 9:51am
I've been here over the past few months, I would go away and come back...I just have to write to entire ugly story, to get it out, to come to terms with it, the get some feedback (I am almost about to cry :-(

It really started four years ago at work. My boss used to flirt with me alot, but I was naive and just figured he was being a nice friend and thought why would he be interested in me, I just had a kid, I am married and his girlfriends all seemed alot prettier than me. During the time that we worked together I know that he had sex with at least 5 different women...not me though...I was happily married.

Then he left that job. I was 4mths pg at the time. I remember one day during his last weeks there I said to him, "come on touch my belly" and he did and he said "I can't believe I am touching you, it's a dream come true". I just dismissed it as another one of his corny flirtatious remarks.

We lost touch for about a year and a half. We got a new computer so I had lost his email address and his IM. I quit my job that we had worked at together and that was that. One day I was fooling around with the files on my computer and I started searching msn for his email address, and found it. So I added it to my IM board. He IM'd me almost instantly. He asked for my phone number, I gave it to him, he called. It was all normal catching up chit chat. I told him I had quit my job, he asked if I wanted a new one, and he got me a job affiliated with him. We work in the hotel industry. (ironic) SO I started working kinda with him again. He was the mgr at another property, but I would have to talk to him about work related stuff at least 3times a week. The the IM'ing started to be flirtatious again, but this time I was more receptive. I don't know why, maybe because now I had two children, had been married for 8yrs, been with my H for 13, have had never had sex with anyone but H. I was very vunerable. I enjoyed these converstatioons alot! It made my day. This is in June FYI.

So then the phone sex starts. I am ok with this, I don't feel quilty about it at all. I just figured it was an hour a day to myself to do something for myself. The other 23hrs a day I am a SAHM who babysits, works on the weekend, cooks cleans...blah blah. I really really enjoyed this "me" time.

The he came over. We made out. It was the hottest kissing I think I have ever experienced. I wanted to f**k him right there and then but held myself back. I grinned all afternoon, while doing my wifely duties...groceries, cleaning, cooking...

I think I must interject here and say that my H is awesome. I love him immensely, but this really had nothing to do with us, it was all about me...me being suckered in...

So then I say that he can't come over anymore..I wasn't ready for that full committment so we cont'd the phone sex thing. One day he was supposed to meet me at work and he didn't he really really hurt me. He didn't call or nothing, then a few days later I hear he is back with his GF. That was ok with my I just wished he would have told me. I was so glad that I didn't go "that next step".

We talked sparingly the months of Aug, Sep, Oct. I was sad that our relationship, even just the friendship part didn't last. I really wanted to see him, hold him, kiss him, but got it to at least go into the back of my mind.

Then I couldn't stand it anymore. Our work xmas party would be coming up soon and I knew that he would be there. I just couldn't stand not talking to him there, so I called him in Nov. It was like "old" times. One normal converstation then right back into the naughty conversations. This was two weeks ago. But he told me he would be going to work in a different country off and on for the next year. Like one mth there, one mth here...I was so sad..he would be leaving and I wouldn't have had the chance to do the one thing I really wanted to do...or so I thought.

I decided that I would let him come over to my house when the kids were in school or sleeping. We made arrangements for him to come over on a Tuesday, he couldn't make it, then on Wednesday he cancelled again, then on Thursday he neither cancelled or showed up. I was so hurt...here he had been trying to "get with me" for over 4yrs and I give in and I get nothing..not even a phone call. I was so pissed. I didn't call him either, till yesterday...

So I call him at work, turns out he will be at my property all night as he is leaving the country the next day. I am working, it's weird too cause I never work Tues. nights. I never asked why he didn't call but he said that he had written down my cell number wrong...whatever...he could be telling the truth but I really didn't care at this point.

SO then I goto work and he is there. OMG, the sexual tension between the two of us was incredible. We were alone for about an hour and we couldn't stop touching eachother, or giving eachother small kisses. It was wobbly knee amazing.

Then his girlfriend shows up. They go for supper. They get really drunk, she passes out upstairs in the room, and he comes back downstairs to "talk". We weren't alone anymore so we had to figure out what we were going to do. We met in a storage room. We kissed, we played with eachother, we had intercourse and we both had an orgasm. It was ok. It wasn't great but it was ok. I guess I was just expecting so much cause I had never been with anyone but my H, but it was just normal sex. Although he was bigger than my H, so that was a nice treat :-)

So we got dressed he went back to his passed out girlfriend and I went home. And now I sit here today, he is gone for three weeks, and the next time I will see him will be at the xmas party. Will I want him, will he want me again???

I am glad that I did it, I feel that I got it out of my system...found out what all the hype was about. I am not sure if I ever want to do it again, but I am okay (I think) with the fact that I did it. I feel that as long as no one knows than nobody can care. My best friend knows, but I trust her 100%. I do hope that wants to do it again, then I wouldn't feel like a loser, but really deep down, I don't know if I want to do it again.

You know that funny thing that I thought this morning...

When I had been contemplating whether or not to have an A, I was sure that I would lose everything if I did have one. I would lose my M, my house, my comfy couches and of course the respect of my H. So when I woke up this morning and my H gave my a hug and kiss goodbye, I awoke in my house, sat on my couch, fed my kids breakfast...Everything is the same!!! Nothing has changed except that I did something for me...now I have to figure out if I can live with it...or live without it...

I want to thing that my A will continue even as just a friendship thing. I don't want to feel casted away. I want to feel wanted, I want to feel dreamt about...but now I am scared that he will never talk to me again. Did he conquer me and now that's it? I can't even call him as his plane left this morning. I am really trying to keep this a thing that I did for me and not him, thereby not letting it hurt me at all. I got to experience it, wished it was better, and I am sure that if we were in a bed it would have been better, but hey a storage room is pretty sexy too.

Well that's it. I am sure that there is noone out there that made it to the end, but if you did, thanks. I just had to write this somewhere. I couldn't write in my diary as my H might read it, I can't tell anyone as they may tell my H.

Any advice or insight would be appreciated. Do you think I can really just have done it and get on with life and never think again about it? I sure hope so!

Happy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 12:36pm
happy - honey, i did get to the end, so i'm gonna offer you some advice. you've been in this A on and off for a long time and now that you've gone physical, your mind is jumping all over the place!.

first of all, settle down -- you've got plenty of time to "think" about the situation since your MM is out of the country and will be busy getting up to speed at his new job location. sorry to say, but your MM probably won't be thinking about you as he'll be totally focused on his business situation for awhile.

second, MM will be back around, count on it. you're in enforced NC right now because of his job situation, but i've no doubt he will call/email you as soon as he's horny. probably sooner than you think. and when he gets back on US soil, he'll probably contact you for more fun and games.

third, you do see that you haven't "lost" anything - your M, children, house, those comfy sofas, just because you've had sex outside your marriage. but you need to keep focused on your every-day life and keep your attitude and actions the same as before the consummation with MM. too much daydreaming or inattention will just alert your H to something "fishy" and he will start paying closer attention to what you're doing and who you're doing it with. it's important to stay alert in your primary relationship and keep everything the same so there are no suspicions.

so i would just file away those memories and bring them out when you're alone and needing some positive (and sexy!) moments to muse on in private. don't overthink the situation. your MM is out of the country and getting busy adjusting to all the new stuff he's involved in. just because he's out of contact with you doesn't mean he's forgotten you, just that you're not at the top of his list right now.

relax and enjoy the holidays with your awesome family.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 1:39pm
I read your whole story :-) It was almost like a fairytale, I love the storage closet part! Actually, reading about your situation so greatly reminds me of my own, except I'm a few steps behind you. I also met this OM through work a little over 4 years ago, and we too have flirted constantly since day one, except we haven't really had any extended time without contact. We both left the company we met at after about 1 1/2 years there, and headed in different career directions, but now he's just applied for an opening in my new company!! We're in sales, so we may end up at national meetings out of town together, I'm pulling for him to get the job if only for that reason :-)

We just finally kissed for the first time last week, but no open mouth stuff as we both were feeling kindof guilty at the time, just long slow pecks and stuff. He was a friend of mine first, but he plays softball with my DH now, so he knows him fairly well too, which is where I think the guilt comes in on his part. Anyway, we've talked a lot this week, and joked about how we should have just made out when we had the chance, so I think it's just a matter of time. I know exactly how you're feeling though, that extreme rush that you get when he's around, the passion and excitement that it all creates is just amazing. Keep us posted!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 3:39pm
Happy, I made it to the end, I was mesmerized. I was wondering what happened with your situation. I cried for you and for me. Your situation is almost exactly like mine, it has me freaked out! I had IC for the first time with my OM just 2 weeks ago and he left town yesterday for 3 weeks. Do they do this on purpose? Happy, I know how you feel. I don't know how I am going to proceed with this when he is back. I don't think he will contact me. I have time to think about it though. I had my A for me too, I am so happy with my H, it has nothing to do with him, my H was my first too. Our stories are so similar. I wonder how many of "us" there are out there?! Where I am right now is this...I'm glad it happened, I feel played a little, I feel good that he found me attractive, I love the memories and thinking of it when I'm alone. I want to try it again, but want to be pursued and I don't think it will happen if I don't pursue him (the worst feeling of all). Is this how you feel? I have to go now, but I am going to read your post again, and all the replies. For the replies will be good for me too. I'm going to think about this some more. I'll post again. I'm thinking of you, C

p.s. do be very careful, if you are your H are close, he will suspect something, mine does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 4:29pm
Cowboy...You must tell me your story! I do remember that we had alot in common when I was here posting a couple of weeks ago. So you did get intimate as well? How many days has it been since now? Can you sleep at night yet, do you still feel like puking, yet grinning from ear to ear all the time?

I was looking at my body in the mirror this morning..I have bruises. Oops. The sex last night was kinda rough (I like it like that, with the boobies anyways). So now I have like fingertip bruises...wow I'll be hiding them for awhile :-)

I go from having these episodes of complete happiness...to feel like wanting to vomit. I am so glad that I finally found out what it was like to have sex with someone other than H, but honestly my H was better. Although we were in a storage room, so now I am thinking I want another try...let's get it right this time...on bed with room to move...ya know what I mean?

But I don't know if I want to have another chance. And I totally know where you are coming from with the whole pursuee and the pursued! I want to be pursued, I was pursued for 4yrs and all of a sudden it feels like I am the one pursuing, how the hell did that happen!?! Arghh...

Well whatever happens I don't care. I got to touch and taste another penis! And I loved every second of it while it was happen..so no regrets here...and as "long as no one knows than nobody can care!"...Uncle Krakers song Follow Me...have ya heard it?

Ok Keep in touch let me know how you are doing...

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 7:24pm
Happy, I don't have time to post tonight, I will tomorrow though. Please check back tomorrow, okay? Have a good evening, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 12:24am
Happy, I am so happy for you. I read all of your story and I think you made the right decision to touch and taste it. I think he will be in contact with you but he will be busy with work and may not give you the reassurance you want. I do know how you feel right now. My A began in Sept. and like Cowboy's relationship, we had sex for the first time just 2 weeks ago during a weekend get-away. It was the most incredible romantic weekend in Washington, DC. I am glad I did it, too. I have no regrets. It was better than being with H. Now, I want to try it again, but I want to be pursued and now I feel like I am pursuing him more than he is pursuing me. We currently live 7 hours apart, talk 2-3 times each week, and e-mail each other, too. I am ready to plan another trip together and constantly wanting his reassurance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 9:34am
Happy, I have only been with my H also, married 20+ years. I wanted to know what it was like to be with another man. I waited a very long time. My SG started out being such a nice, sweet, complimentary man, flirting with me and pursuing me. The first time we were together and made out, about 4 months into the e-mail thing, it was exciting, but he changed after that. Then suddenly I was pursuing him. Then 6 months later he gives me his cell number in reply to an IM from me. This was 2 weeks ago last weekend. We get together and did have IC. I asked why now and he said because he never sees me anymore and he is going to be travelling alot with his new job. He said this was spontaneous and he liked that. He opted for a couch, didn't want the bed thing, and even though he was bigger than H, the sex was not good. He didn't really seem like a good lover, he only lasted about 6 strokes and I did not have an O. He immediately got up and said this can never happen again, he was SO FREAKED! He said his heart was racing and he was covered in sweat. He then started spouting off reasons why he should not be with me. I felt horrible. He said he would e-mail the next day but he didn't. I waited one week and caught him on-line. I IM'd him. He was real casual and just chit chatted. I told him to call me but he didn't. I waited another week and sent him a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail. He replied, "thanks been thinking about you!!!!!But still freaked out!!!!!!!!!. I replied back that it was okay and asked if he had fun, but he didn't reply to that one. I caught him on-line 2 days later and IM'd him. Once again, he was real casual and had to go. He left on Tuesday for 3 weeks. I cry daily. I'm so glad I went ahead with it and I'm glad I have the experience, but I feel so stupid. I know I will not hear from him. I will have to initiate any contact, but you know Happy, I'm getting worn out. This has not turned out the way I thought it would. He was always so sexy in e-mails, but the action part was bad. And he gets more distant with every little sexual encounter we have. I hope this does not happen to you. When you posted a few weeks ago that you were going to get together the next day, my first thought was, I hope it happens, I hope he doesn't string her along. I've heard all the excuses too, I lost your cell number, I couldn't get on-line, yadda yadda yadda. I was worried and then you weren't here for a while and I was wondering. I'm glad you had the experience, and your SG may be different from mine. I hope so. I've hugged my H so many times and chanted in my head over and over, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I will never tell him, it would hurt him so much, but he is the first person I would go to when I am this upset. He knows SG and HATES, HATES, him. My H is suspicious. Man, it was so exciting since January, checking e-mails, flirting, etc. You know. And now it appears that it is over and winter is starting and I'm so depressed. I really wish none of this ever would have happened. I'm worried about you, but glad to know that I am not alone. Please keep me posted how you are doing. As hard as it is going to be for me, SO HARD, I am not going to contact SG again. I have so many questions for him but he will only lie to me so what does it matter. I would be SHOCKED if he contacts me first. Sometime I think he didn't even add my e-mail, he just replies, so he may not even have my address on his computer. Who knows. I could just ramble on and on about all of this, but I think you know so well where I am. Good luck to you and I hope everything turns out the way you want it Happy, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 10:28am
Most importantly, dont overthink this...

I about rolled on the floor to your "I got to touch and taste another penis!" comment...too funny girl!!!

My A is all about me to...I dont do it for my OM and its not intended to be anything against my husband or our marriage - it's all about me and hey....every girls gotta have a hobby, right!?!?!!?

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 1:54pm
cowboy, your SG was EMBARASSED by his performance!! he had premature ejaculation and certainly knows he didn't satisfy you and now is just running away from you and all that you represent to him.

DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN! he's a selfish, immature, stupid guy who will never give you the tender love and/or sexual satisfaction you want. he's not capable or even knowledgeable. DITCH HIM if he contacts you again.

and please don't feel stupid - it certainly wasn't your fault. IT WAS HIS FAULT!! all that sexy talk was just that, talk. SG could follow through on the "action" part.

concentrate on your M and your H. don't go "looking" for that action and be careful online. most of those guys you IM will be the same, all talk and no action!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:05pm
Cowboy, gurl was right...your guy is embarrassed big time!! And she was right...ditch him. He is not making you feel good anymore. A's are meant to make you feel good. I have to tell myself this all the time. I am trying to think of what happened as a thing for me, therefore it doesn't matter if he ever calls again...I don't care I got to do what I wanted to do.

I know it is sooo hard. But don't feel stupid, what do you have to feel stupid for? Nothing! He seems like a guy that is all talk and do action...that is why he is avoiding you, he can't keep up to the talk.

Listen I have to go, but I wanted to reply to you. I am going to set up a new hotmail acct soon and I will send you my address maybe someday we can meet on IM.

But please don't be sad anymore, take to good, leave the bad and move on...Have you heard Sarah McLachlan's new song "Fallen"? If you haven't find it and listen to it....I am going into my bath right now to listen to it.

Ok take care, I will be back!

Sincerely,

Happy

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