Very difficult place
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Very difficult place
| Wed, 12-03-2003 - 8:16pm |
I have been a lurker for some time but haven't gotten up the guts to post until now. As background, I've been involved in A with MM for 2 years. We both needed each other for different reasons and were both basically in marriages that resembled business partnerships. I have since divorced- not b/c of him but b/c it was right, what I wanted,and he was there for me as a friend and kept me strong. We both have children and it is his children (particularly son) that keeps him there along with the fear of losing everything (house,family $$, etc) He also feels a sense of obligation which I would definately expect him to feel. Anyway, I would never want to be the reason he left his wife. It has to be for him and I wouldn't ask. A few months ago I became pregnant and had an abortion to protect him. I am a pro-life supporter so this is nearly about to destroy me. It is tearing us apart. We both wish we had the decision to do over, but we don't and I can't get over it. He wanted it, I didn't. He said he'd be there, he tries but as you all can relate, it isn't nearly enough. He took me away last night and told me he loved me, we have a bond most never feel, he has opened up to me more than everyone else combined in his life and that he never wants to forget what happened and wants to do something so we'll always remember the baby. He also said he does not want to be part of the 70%of couples whose relationships don't survive what we did. I just feel this wall now. I do love him and can't imagine life without him, but I am tempted to just say 'leave me alone',I can't do this anymore. After all what's the point? I'm very down.

Just try not to beat yourself up too much and remember that the decision you made was the best one for you and all concerned and there is a reason things happened this way. If there is anything I have learned is that everything happens for a reason. I like you found myself pregnant for a married man . I could not for the life of me understand how it happened but accepted that it was meant to be So while you may not know it yet, I am sure you will find out in the near future why things happened the way they did.
If I can help, please let me know.
honey, you're DEPRESSED! and every time you see MM, it brings home the facts of your decision. i know it's hard to understand, but you WILL get past this and if you feel like you need some help to do that, think about talking to a professional who will give you insight into how to deal with those negative, self-isolating, guilty feelings you are experiencing. that's just a suggestion though.
time is a wonderful healer. so give yourself some time to work through those negative feelings and do know that your MM is having the same feelings too. life goes on, sweetie, and you will too.
good luck,
gurl
and we ALL make that choice to make others our priority. not every R is 50/50, is it? but keeping your self-respect and mental health should also be a priority to everyone.
jmo,
gurl