He wants to say we are friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
He wants to say we are friends
7
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 5:55am
So here I am, in a predicament again. MM would like us to tell our DW and DH, the deep friendship that we have for each other, but not those special feelings. He believes this would give us the freedom, to atleast be friends. (know that we are friends in front of the world, but he would like them to know we have become BEST friends.)

As for a life together, it is impossible, and neither of us want that if it means hurting loved ones, spouses, kids and the rest of the bunch. Sweet describes it well, like two puzzles that sit side beside, and make of the whole of me, MM feels the same. We have nothing to hide really, as we are friends, the best, the absolute best.. The rest exists, but is never acted on physically because of the rare visits that we have together..

Any thoughts?? I know Sweet, you DH knows of MM?!?! How does he feel now? We would have to admit, that we have been talking on a very deep level, for a long time, not really hiding any actions, but a deep friendship. An affair because there is a forbidden love, we have it, but will not speak of it with them, not wanting to hurt anyone, but just let everyone know we are best friends.

Sorry, MM has just let me know his desire to speak of this to our spouses, and I can't sleep, driving me crazy!!!!!!! He wants us to tell them during the holidays, which will also be a NC time, as we each have our lives to attend to. Any thoughts while I wait for the Sandman to bring me a dream...


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 8:56am
I guess I dont understand what good it will do to share this secret friendship with your spouses? Does he honestly think this news wont create a ton of chaos in both of your marriages? How responsive do you expect them to be to the idea of you sharing all the "best friend" stuff with another person, of the opposite sex mind you, that you USED to share with them????

Generally speaking the composition of best friend relationships between a man and woman change drastically when one or both become involved with SOs unlike best friend relationships between friends of the same sex. This may be a sociatal thing but it is what it is...but what you are asking your spouses to do is to give up something that the two of you once shared so that you can share that part of you with another person...I wouldnt expect a very positive response if you choose to do this...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 1:51am
I don't expect one either, and am afraid at what is going to arrive. I am not sure how I can tell DH this after a years time of not telling. He thinks it will help us from not having to hide so much anymore. That if we are more open with our spouses, that we will feel less guilt (I think that is what he is thinking, still haven't really got to talk to him on all of it.)

I am very confused and down. I am afraid that it will be the end, and that his DW will start writing me, and that things will change forever. Guess I can only hope all will be okay, but I am like you, I am not sure what we will gain, accept distrust from our spouses. Darn hard with the holiday season, as it is not my favorite, and now we have NC for a few days...

AAAAAAARG!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 7:56am
Hang in there Mitzy...I would seriously think hard about this before you make any decisions to disclose your relationship to your spouses. Has he considered the pain he will be causing his wife just so he can feel less guilt?

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 12:20pm
mitzy, i totally agree with liberal here! DON'T TELL YOUR H OR HIS W -- it will cause chaos to both your Ms and your R!!

whatever his guilt or good intentions, nothing good will come from telling your spouses that the two of you have a "best friends" relationship, when in fact, you are both supposed to be "just friends" and the best friend status is implicit in your spouses by way of being married. anything other than "just friends" will cause the sh*t to hit the fan and then where will you be!! maybe not even friends with MM and maybe not married!!

and especially do not create unnecessary chaos during this holiday time. the holidays are stressful enough, what with the shopping, partying, family dinners, social occasions, along with the everyday life stresses we all have by bringing up this subject.

unless you are both prepared to face some tough questioning and ultimatums from your spouses, please tell your MM you will not do what he asks. JUST SAY "NO"!

gurl

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 12:25pm
I agree with Gurl and Lib! It would be Suicide to the relationship and to the marriages. First lesson in EMA's "Deny, Deny and Deny" and if that doesn’t work Deny some more! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 12:38pm
Definitely. I mentioned something to my DH last year, and it was not pleasant for several months. Things have changed with both DH and SG since then and the EMA ended up developing anyway. It's just that now DH is a little more aware of SG, doesn't like him (not that he did very much before), doesn't like hanging around with him for very long, etc. He realizes that SG is very important to me, and supports the friendship, such that now I feel comfortable referring to SG as my "best friend", knowing that he himself is the "super-best friend".

Point is, I might have been able to continue doing things one-on-one out in the open with SG if I hadn't opened my fat trap. Now we have to sneak around more. Kinda makes me feel like a heel doing that knowing that DH accepts SG as my "best friend", but we all have our trials and tribulations...

So my strong advice is not to say anything to your respective spouses. Tell MM not to put you in that precarious situation, and that when he wants to shout it from the rooftops to do so to you, or come here! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 3:22pm
I want to thank you all! For the moment I agree with all of you, but I feel that it is going to be too late to tell him when we talk next, as I feel that he will have already told. AND, our story is so complicated, to write it on here would be suicide if you know what I mean.

I think that DH would be okay with the news accept that it would have meant that I have not exactly been telling the truth for the last year. And that would hurt him, it then would lead to heck of a lot of problems that I DO NOT want to tackle now with Christmas, definetly other things to do around here. AS for his DW, do not think she would be so considerate, and I DO NOT want to go through her questions either... Wished I could talk to MM, but must wait a few more days...

I am just gonna go through this loop, like the last, eyes closed and screaming... and NOT from Roof tops, just here with the finest bunch. LOL.. Thanks for the hugs, because I feel it is going to be the end, guess time will tell....

Here is a quote..

"A woman can become a man's friend only in the following stages - first an acquantaince, next a mistress, and only then a friend."

- Anton Chekhov