AFFAIRS AND NEW MARRIAGES

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
AFFAIRS AND NEW MARRIAGES
5
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 10:42am
Both of my affairs have started within the first six months of my marriages. My first marriage ended within the first year. Two years later I married the OM. But six months into my new marriage I started another A which has been going on for two years now.

Are new marriages more susceptible to As???? I would think just the opposite. You would think after the same routine for 20 years it would be then that you would seek out an affair...

Does it perhaps have something to do with the initial "freak" about being committed to someone FOREVER that makes you want to be rebellious?

Just some thoughts...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 11:11am
Liberal....I know all to well what you are saying. I started an A before i was married...actually, shortly after having set the date after being engaged for years. I had a friend who was much older than i and i was extremely attracted to him. I asked him out and well to make a long story short...he sucked. Sex, only the two times i had it with hiswas so horrible. He has not experienced sex for a man of his age. HE loved for me to chase after him and he give me the run around. He liked having a young girl chase him.

Well got out of that one...wish i could take it all back. Well....that opened the door for me.

I had a friend that i had very honest and open communtication with. Told him everything about first A. We hung out one night and fooled around a bit. Then, he blew me off....actually felt quilty come to find out later. HE had a gf...and well our cultural differences got in the way....he just felt guilty. So i was done wtih him.

Got married and things were cool. Then....as you may have read from my same sex affairs message....i started looking for a girl. Thought this would be my solution. I was craving an affair. The attention, the secrets, the hiding....the conversation you have when you are getting to know someone. The butterflies. I wanted it.

Well, i stumbled on mm online while looking for a mw. So, i have been with mm...for 7 months now. Its actaully a perfect union. We are in the exact same situation and want the exact same thing. Then....i found myself wanting to have an A against my mm. Finally I had to come to my senses and stop. I have the perfect arrangement and i don't need anymore.

SO this is where i am at. But i wonder....will i go the rest of my life needing an A?

and....the 2nd guy...he is still my friend...emailed me one day and said how some chick had blew him off and now he realizes how he had done that to me and how i must have felt. SOo, told him about my new A....and he is very jealous. Now its HIM that is emailing me and asking me where am i at and why don't I email him. HUH! He lost out. Now, its almost like i don't even have time for his friendship. Funny how things can turn around so easily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 12:51pm
just my thoughts from past experience, but probably it is more likely that someone in a long-term marriage is less willing to put themselves out there, without lots of encouragement (chasing!) to get their mind-set to change from being married, not desired, taken for granted, whatever, to being in an A/EMA, having sex with a new person with their old body, mentally adjusting to the fact that someone else actually wants them, all that negativity we build up within ourselves.

if you invest a short amount of time in a situation, and if it's not "perfect," one is more willing to find a solution that makes the situation bearable.

interesting thread,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 3:01pm
I guess there are two ways to look at it...your way (which is one way/reason it happens), or situations like mine. It took me 9 years (9 years of a lot of struggles in my marriage to come to the point of this), for MM, it was close to 20 years.

I didn't even think about having an A early on (the thought was actually horrifying and disgusting to me back then -- I was one of those judgmental people who thought all OW were tramps and As were only about sex).

By the time I knew the A was a possibility -- I couldn't WAIT to get my hands on him!!!:)

Interesting thread...

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 3:31pm
Oh, no doubt your situation plays a key role in whether or not you find yourself in an A...funny thing is that I have had an A twice and both situations were COMPLETELY different but they both happened VERY early in my marriage. I think you have a point that you dont have the investment in a new marriage you have after several years of marriage...perhaps thats part of it to...

My first A I was married to a man who couldnt fulfill my needs, emotional or spiritual, even if he did his best. I was seeking to have a void filled. The A Im in now, Im involved in just because it's something I do for ME!!! God filled me with an unlimited supply of love and Im spreading it! LOL Im not looking for a void to be filled - Im just looking for the icing I guess!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 12:51am
Hi Liberal: I can very much relate to Charlotte on this one. I've been married for 25 years, and it took me more than 20 years before I became involved in my first EMA with my MM. I too felt that OW were awful and that I would never become involved in an EMA .... surprising how things can turn around. I also think that once you have gotten over that initial "Oh my God what have I done?" stage, that it gets easier to fool around, and to possibly become involved with someone else. I find I notice men in a whole new way than I did before, picking up much more on their subtle come-ons and innuendos. Maybe I didn't notice them before, I don't know. It's funny too, because I have to say I enjoy the attention, even though I am crazy about my MM. In fact there is an attorney friend that I've known (professionally) for years who has been calling me lately. We always sort of had this connection with each other, but lately it's feeling like more of a spark. It's scaring the hell out of me, and I find myself questioning the person that I am. But I guess that's fodder for another discussion. Anyway, if I were to give you any advice, I'd have to say be very careful. Evaluate what it is that drives you towards the attention from other men. That's what I'm trying to do.

Best wishes,

Virgogirl