what should I do? married co-worker

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
what should I do? married co-worker
15
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 10:13pm
Hi All. Some of you may remember me from a couple of months ago. I wrote asking you if you thought a married co-worker was interested in me. He was doing some serious flirting, suggestive sexual innuendos, winking, brushing up against me, etc. The flirting was becoming intense from both of us. He'd "joked" about us dating. I'd become VERY attracted to him. We are both professionals and I was very cautious and concerned about getting involved. You all agreed that you thought he was interested in starting something. He is a flirt, but more so with me than with most. I cooled off for a while because I got scared. Now, I can't go a day without thinking about him. I realize I really do want him but I'm scared to make the first move because I'm afraid that he might reject me. I have this fear that he's just flirting. Others at work have said they think he wants more (at least when we've all partied together and he's been drinking). I'm quite sure that if he's had a few drinks, we could end up in bed together. Problem is our work schedule rarely works out that we can get together after work for drinks with a group of people. The only solution is to make a move and see what happens I think. But I'm scared to do this since we work together and what if he turns me down??? Or what if he doesn't and then it changes things at work??? But I can't take this much more!!!!!!!!!!

Has anyone else been in this situation?? Our flirting cooled down some, but I think it's because I haven't made myself available lately for it. I'm starting to again and would like to take it further. Should I let him know? How do I do that? Any suggestions. I'm dying here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to make a fool of myself. How can I suggest something and make it so that if he doesn't want to we can still be good work partners and still have a good work/flirt relationship. We are obviously attracted to each other.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 8:06am
Nothing ventured, nothing gained...

But be sure you understand the risk you are taking working with him...

Also...what is his and your marital status? You said people you work with think that he wants more - is that really going to be safe for the two of you with people already being able to see the sexual attraction between you?

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 11:07am
I really hope someone can give you a good answer as what to do beacause I am in the same situation of sorts. I could have written your post to a tee. Except for the part about others knowing. No one here knows how I feel about him and since he is just an all around good guy no one suspects anything. I just caught myself staring out the window at him while he was talking to some other co-workers and had to laugh at myself. I am acting like a teenager here. He's just so darn sexy ! He was in my office this morning working with me on a few things and I didn't think I could stand it as lond as I did. But my door was wide open although I told him to shut it and I'd show him everthing. I asked him to come in my office and look at a couple invoices and he said "I'll look at anything you want me to baby". That's when I told him to shut the door and he laughed. I could tell he really wanted to though. LOL!

Good luck and I hope you get good advice !

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 6:50pm
I am single. He is married with two kids under age 10. Yes, we would have to be careful not to get caught at work, but doesn't everyone? If we started anything, we just couldn't let anyone know that. I'm willing to take that risk because I'm so attracted to him. It's hard to work with someone you're so attracted to and just walk away from it. But I'm afraid to be the one to make the first move but at this point I don't think he will or I'm scared of making the first move and having him turn me down. I don't think there's an easy answer or any easy way to do it. It's a risk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 7:07pm
Let me ask you this... If he doesn't make the first move and you don't due to fear... will you regret the never knowing what could have happened? We all take risks in our life in one form or another.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 7:12pm
"Let me ask you this... If he doesn't make the first move and you don't due to fear... will you regret the never knowing what could have happened? We all take risks in our life in one form or another"

Well, I've thought of that. And yes, I would probably always wonder and regret. A part of me keeps hoping that if I continue sending signals or increase the intensity of the signals, he will make the move. But maybe he's scared too?? But there's such a BIG risk when it involves someone you work with!!!!!! And he's in a higher position than me. So I just worry how it would affect our work if he turned me down. Am I worrying too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 7:44pm
I honestly don't know how to answer that... I think if it was me I would just keep sending signals and see if anything happened, I don't have any experience in the co-worker aspect of an EMA. I think ultimatly it will be up to you to start it, men seem a little clueless about things at times.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 1:13am
You mention that he's higher up then you.Could this be the reason your afraid to make the first move?I ask that because MM is also my boss.And it does make the situation a little more complicated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 5:20am
Juliet,

Hate to say this but maybe he doesn't want to ruin his family life. I know it may hurt you but I was in the same situation. Hot with co-work but always in the back of my mind was my kids and how they would see there daddy as a cheater. My take on this, If something does happen do you think he's going to leave his family???? Don't mean to be the spoiler but I was in this exact situation and lost everything. I'm know he loves your attention and would do anything to get you in bed but once you've done the deed it will never be the same. Please trust me on this. Your setting yourself and him up for a big fall.

Joe

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 7:32am
Joe, thank you for your reply. It's always nice to see a male's point of view. did you have an affiar? And if so, why? Were you happy in your marriage? If you didn't have the affair, were the kids what stopped you or your wife, or both?

Believe me, I've thought about what you've said before. Yet I still can't get the guy off my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 7:34am
"You mention that he's higher up then you.Could this be the reason your afraid to make the first move?I ask that because MM is also my boss.And it does make the situation a little more complicated."

Yes, I think that's part of it. How did your affair start? And how is it going?

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