My horrid EMA

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
My horrid EMA
5
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 10:27am
HELP! I need some advice. MM and I have been having an emotional affair since May. His feelings for me are really strong...he has even said he's in love with me, but he loves his wife too and he has a child he doesn't want to lose. I'm married as well and feeling just as torn as he is. The issue for both of us is ego, I think. His wife beats his ego down. She's EVERYTHING around the house...Martha Stewart with all the home improvement stuff built in. Truthfully, she doesn't seem to ever seek him out for anything. He earns significantly less than she does and she never lets him forget it. She's just constantly beating him down. Yet he still loves her. I have similar issues with my M; although my H loves me with all his heart and treats me like a princess, I often feel like I really have no role in our household. ANYWAY, MM and I have fought this EMA with everything we have. We've kissed but it terrified him because it makes him want more and he knows too much is at stake to risk getting caught. I feel the same way but I'm bad about hiding behind his fears and saying HE's the one pulling back. I guess it makes the whole thing easier for me. Anyway, I'm an emotional wreck right now and I don't know where else to turn. I've posted here before and a lot of people have told me to dump him and find another man, which is not an option. I don't want an affair, not even with this man. I want a FRIEND and I want to know he has the same feelings for me I do for him, but I don't want it to go any further because I'm terrified to take it further. There's just no way either of us could meet outside work without it being a HUGE risk. (We're co-workers, by the way.) Anyway, the past few weeks have been difficult, to say the least. About a month ago things got really intense and we were seriously discussing meeting... I was almost sick to my stomach over the idea and I think it freaked him out pretty bad too. He called me from home one morning and basically we had one-sided phone sex. (I posted that here too...) That was the point where things got WAY too intense for him and he did exactly as I'd feared. He shut down. I told him, point blank, that I just can't handle this hot and cold crap and we're going to have to keep things steady. That he CAN'T get intense like this ever again. He agreed and said he wouldn't get intense.

Anyway, this time I was more proactive than before. When he started pulling away, I pulled WAY back. I stopped calling him, made myself busy when it was time to see him, etc. My feelings started getting numb again, but still I have this addiction to him. I WANT to be around him. This week I've thought seriously about ending it. We used to have a mutual relationship where I'd go by his office and see him and he'd come to see me, but lately he's been conveniently "busy" every day when it's time to come see me, but he hasn't been too busy for me to see him. I am seriously starting to feel like he's just interested in having me chase him... Like he will feel less guilty if I do all the work. So my inclination is to stop going to see him or calling him and see how long it takes but I tried that earlier this week and he called me and asked me to come see him... All week...for the past TWO weeks, actually...I've been avoiding being in any way flirtatious and it's not characteristic of me. I haven't complimented him once; I haven't given him any meaningful glances, nothing. No teasing, NOTHING. Just small talk. Then yesterday morning I was mid-sentence and he told me I was pretty. It's been a while since he's done that, but it's something he used to do all the time. I thanked him and continued, still no flirting. But yesterday the end of day came and he still hadn't stopped by to see me and it just got on my nerves. EVERY DAY he used to do it and now it's stopped, cold. He says he's too busy but how can he just happen to be busy every day when he wasn't before? Because before he made it a point to NOT be busy at that time. So I left him a teasing message that I'm onto him and that I'm going to get down to the bottom of why he's scared of my office even if it means I have to torture him. It was a lighthearted message but after I left it I worried he'd take it seriously. Today I showed up at work not sure how to act. I tried to call him to say I was just joking with the message, but he wasn't there. Then this morning we were in a group of people but couldn't talk and over the heads of everyone, he met my gaze and held it. We have this meeting every morning and normally he ignores me (others were talking about us a while back) but this morning every time I looked over he was giving me an intense stare. I gave him a puzzled look in return and he looked away but I'd look back and he would be doing it again. What does that mean? Should I mention it? I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of playing games, but when I ask myself "What do you WANT to do?" the answer is of course that I want to flirt and have fun and not hold myself back anymore. But I'm scared if I do, I'm going to get hurt. Sorry to ramble so long. It feels better just to type all this out, but any advice or just sympathy would be very welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 10:59am
lilah, I don't know what to say. Your case seems a little complicated and too intense for me. I would be melting with all the instense looks, hon. *blush* Anyway, I hope you figure out this guy soon. LOL Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 11:15am
good morning lilah. sweetie, it sounds to me like you and MM are confused about what you both want. one day you're chasing him and the next day you're all work/no play. and when your MM responds to your confusing signals, you get more confused and upset! a vicious circle.... that needs to stop.

SO..... what do YOU want from MM? if you want to "just be friends", then act like it and be nice but not playful and flirtatious at work.

but if you want more, just say so to MM and try to work out the logistics to "meet." right now you think it would be a huge project just to get together, but it's really not. tell your H (and MM can do the same) that you're going holiday shopping for a few hours and meet up somewhere outside your normal area. talk about what you want and see how MM responds. it can be done.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 12:24pm
Well, there are other complications. For one thing, MM knows people. EVERYWHERE. I jokingly call him "Mr. Popularity." He has family spread out all over the state and friends EVERYWHERE. I'm not kidding here. Another thing is that we saw this happen to someone else here at work recently. A man was having a really intense flirtation with someone that led to an affair and they ended up meeting outside work and kissing but his wife found out about it because he wasn't very careful. Because MM saw this, he's PARANOID about his W finding out so he goes to extra pains to make sure she doesn't. Also, I saw what happened to this couple when that guy's wife found out. He stopped speaking to OW and to this day they avoid each other like the plague. She was left heartbroken and I don't want to be that woman. I would much rather have what little of him I get now and continue to be his friend for the next 10 years or whatever than to have everything I want of him right now and then lose him and not be able to speak to him. The thought of having to come to work every day, knowing he was in the same building but not being able to talk to or see him, fills me with an incredible dread. Does my situation seem really unusual or complicated? How do these things normally go? I've never been through this before so I have no idea how it works. We've been talking/flirting for a full seven months now with no intercourse -- just a few kisses spread out over the past five months. But here's where the confusion is. I TOTALLY see where MM is coming from. I want him to be caught up in me and unable to think about anything else, and he says he is, but he doesn't show it. So I get unhappy that he's not showing it, but his argument, which is a VERY valid one, is that when he starts telling me his feelings, I start reacting and then next thing we know we're wanting to meet or kiss or be physical in some way. So he holds himself back and I get frustrated and it's a no win situation. Aren't all these things? This is how stupid I was...I thought I'd go online and try to meet people. I joined some of those flirting groups and went to a chat room but all I found were men wanting phone sex. Or online sex. What did I think, that they'd want to just talk? I guess so! I guess I was trying to fill some void, but I just ended up feeling emptier. Anyway, can you see what I'm saying about MM? As long as we're just friends, but we have feelings and we keep them inside, there's really nothing to feel guilty about. It's just a friend we fantasize about. It's when I tell him my fantasies that I start feeling guilty and he's the same way. I just don't get how everyone else goes into these things with such ease. This is causing both me and MM great anguish with every step.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 12:52pm
listen, lilah, you sound like you feel you are doomed just for "thinking" about MM. you're not going to hell just because you're attracted to another man. if that were true, we'd all be struck dead and in hell immediately!!

and i agree that it's very scary to find yourself in a situation where you just feel totally out of control about someone AND unable to act on your desires. your MM is holding back because that's what men do and he rightly feels like if he makes even the tiniest physical move toward you, all would be lost, and you and he would not be able to keep the A secret. and from your post, you probably wouldn't be able to. you're both too scared of the consequences. so you don't act on the physical part, except those few stolen kisses. your situation is NOT unusual or complicated to me because i've been there, done that. but it is for you, because you're in the middle of it and unsure what to do. the intensity is great for your ego and his too, but the uncertainly can be a killer!

and this stalemate you find yourselves in will be the way it is be for both of you until one or both of you decide to take your desires to the next level. most people in EMA/As do not go into them with ease and certainty. and that's true of any relationship -- one never "knows" if the attraction/desire for another will be reciprocated or rejected.

the only advice i can give you is to try to put a bit of distance between the two of you, emotionally, if not physically, and think about where YOU believe this R can go. keep your contact with MM on a friendly, not flirty, level. and throw all your energies into your M and the holidays for distraction and hopefully as time goes by, you will feel less and less anguished. i hope so for your sake.

good luck and hang in there,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 2:46pm
What you are feeling is normal. I too feel guilty and withdraw. Its not easy for me to be in an A even if we have very little time together. Both of us have these downtimes and I have gotten used to it. I usually don't force it if he seems to be withdrawing from me because I do the same to him. Just don't fight the issue, you will get there eventually. Hugs