Fantasies of being w/someone else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Fantasies of being w/someone else?
1
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 4:28pm
Hi. I'm 33, married 7 1/2 years. I love my DH (doesn't this always start out this way) but we've had a ton of problems. He has bipolar disorder and its been a rough time. I don't place the blame on him, but its not really what I bargained for when we married. He's gained almost 80 lbs. since we met and has been hospitalized/sucidal or psychotic 7 times. Its not his fault, but its affected our relationship, how could it not? I'm not perfect by any stretch and have gained a lot of weight due to stess-related drinking over the years. I'm a lawyer too and he doesn't (well, can't really) work. No kids.

I am so not attracted to him sexually, its not even funny. But I have crazy fantasies about being with someone else. There's no one in particular, but I the fantasies have increased over time. I don't know if I could ever act out on them, and probably wouldn't. I'm not unattractive but I'm plump so I doubt any man would be interested anyway. Did anyone else start out their A like this -- just thinking about being with someone, anyone -- or was it triggered by a certain person? I have no idea if we'll stay married, its been rough. Anyway, don't want to bore anyone, but I need to know I'm not crazy for feeling this way. Perhaps I'm just being weak, but day by day I wonder if I can take it for much longer. The stress is affecting my health and happiness. But I doubt an A would be any kind of solution...

Hugs to everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 11:58am
Hi, I read your post and had to respond. I am 28 and married for 6 1/2 yrs. I realized early in our marriage that I had made a mistake, but wanted to try and somehow make it work. My DH is in the military and he spent a HUGE portion of our first 5 years of marriage away, being deployed. I have always longed to have the affection of another, the great sex, a bond that I did not have with H. I couldn't go out and look for it, that is not me. I remained faithful all of those years that I was alone and very lonely. I too am a little overweight and at times have purposely kept the weight on for fear that if I was approached by another man that I might actually cave in. So, for a long time my weight was my protection.

Exactly a year ago yesterday I met this wonderful man on-line as I was playing cards. I was attracted to him because he wasn't rude, crude, he wasn't hitting on anyone and he was absolutely hilarious. I had never had so much fun playing cards on-line, we were also partners and we kept winning game after game after game. We started to look for each other on-line and he started a little flirting with me, and I thought, oh well, this is on-line what the heck... so, I flirted back. To make a long story short, we exchanged pictures, I found out that he only lived 3 hours from me... and a year later I have to say that I have found my soul mate, my one true love. We are the very best of friends, have had the most amazing sex, but have also had A LOT of bumpy roads. We are both M, I have one son that is now almost 15 months old and he has 5 children. From the beginning it was clear that neither of us would or could leave our families. There was one time last spring that he said, "All you would have had to do was just ask me to leave and I would have in a heart beat"... I could never do that. Also, we are both Christians, so we have really struggled with the whole right vs. wrong thing.

We have tried to end things I can't tell you how many times, and it just gets harder and harder to do. I am moving within 6 months far away, so we won't even be as close as we are now. I know that this A is wrong, but maybe I am waiting until I move, because then I know it will be over, well the physical part of it anyway.

Anyway... this post is about you, but I did want to give you a little of my history. Yes, I fantasized over this for a looooooong time and I NEVER thought it would happen. It has been the best thing that has graced my life as well as the worse thing that has graced my life. There is A LOT of pain that comes out of EMA's. If your marriage isn't going to survive and you know that, then I would really suggest you wait until you are divorced and stay away from MM once you are single. Yes, it is fun and exhilarating, but it can also devistate you and pull you down more than anything else in this world. Just my two cents... I hope this helped some.