I've really screwed it up now!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
I've really screwed it up now!!!!
11
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 10:23am
When your MM wants to know what you are feeling or what you want, think twice before telling him! Its all about self preservation. I told him what i wanted in the future and i thought he wanted the same thing, when he told me it was not possible for us to have a future other than what we have right now, his word was he CAN'T. I told him I thought it was more along the lines of WON'T. Needless to say our conversation ended with everything up in the air and it may be all over. I was okay with the way things were, but now that all the cards are on the table so to speak, its ruined everything. So it actually pays to keep a few things to yourself especially if you want to keep him.

 Seeburg    

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 5:48pm
Why is everything ruined? If your cards are on the table, then you both know how you feel and where you stand. And if you really do mean it, that you're ok with continuing on as you are now, then nothing changes in your R except that your MM now knows that if he did want more, you would be receptive to it. But if you AREN'T really satisfied with how things are now, then you have to decide if it's worth it TO YOU to continue on as things are, or whether it should end. But I don't see how knowing that you care so much about him and would WANT more would make HIM want to end things.

Take a deep breath and put yourself and your needs first. Do you really want things to go along as is? Or was this conversation meant to change your R? And knowing for sure now that he still does not intend on leaving his W, does that change anything for you?

Good luck. It's been a LOOOOONG weekend around here. Let's hope Monday is a better day!

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 6:18pm
We talked again today and I am willing to go on as we were, this way is better than not having him in my life at all.I needed to take my own advice, one day at a time, which is hard to do at times, especially when you find a good guy. This has been a LONG weekend, next week has to be better.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 6:20pm
I know exactly what you're talking about, only my MM has known how I feel for some time, and at first told me he felt the same, but now he's living back at home (he had separated, only not legaly) and I don't know what's going on. He won't return my calls and I'm about to give up on the whole thing and chalk it up to experience, but after 4 years I really hate to throw in the towel. I have decided tomorrow I will leave him a voice mail (if he once again doesn't answer) and tell him that I am here for him if he wants me, but if he doesn't he could at least extend me the courtesy of telling me to my face. I have been trying to brace myself for this possibility, and I'll have to accept it if that's what he wants, but I'm hoping in my heart of hearts that he doesn't. Last year I tried to back off, not break off, just back off some, and he really panicked (sp?), but now it's a year later and a whole lot of stuff has happened since then. He has only been separated for a short time (not because of us), and I know he's going through alot, but all I'm asking for is for him to tell me what he wants. Is that too much to ask?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 6:27pm
no i don't think its too much to ask him to tell you what he wants, but for some reason men can not seem to open up like we do.. why is that? I did talk to my MM. I know he thinks about a future but he says it is just not an option. I do not want to end it because it hurts more to think about that than to just stay like we are. If that makes any sense? so its like we are in a position where there are no answers. so my new motto is going to be one day at a time.If he ever wants to change that all he has to do is say.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:58am
You are O.K. with the way things are now, but you told him how you felt because you know O.K. won't last forever. Don't regret telling him. You have to stay true to yourself. If it didn't come out now, then it would come out later and it will only hurt more later. You were being honest with him. Wouldn't you have expected the same from him? You didn't screw up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:07am
How true is what you have if you can't be honest with yourself and your MM? You bared your emotional self to him and he answered you with honesty and sincerit. Dont ever regret sharing yourself with him...

You should never ask questions you cant handle the answers to and it appears to me that this particular response is one of the tough ones to swallow. You seem to be handling it very well...chin up and keep the faith!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:29am
We talked yesterday when we were together. we both understand the feelings of the other. It was just a long weekend.. I think I will chalk it up to pms...We have both promised each other total honesty and no secrets from each other so this was all a good thing in the long run.. we are closer now! And I had to be totally honest with myself about what I wanted or expected from him.. I want more if its ever possible but I do not expect it BIG difference

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 10:57am
I do not want to end it because it hurts more to think about that than to just stay like we are. If that makes any sense?

Oh my dear, yes it does! It makes perfect sense to me because that's exactly how I feel! I have cried myself to sleep over him on more than one night (and that's not easy to do when you're in bed with your H). I did talk to him briefly yesterday and he says he's back at home for the sake of the kids (which I do believe), and I asked if he was happy and he said he'd "get by", and when I pressed him about his happiness he said all he had to do was smile. This makes me so sad for many reasons, first of all selfish ones because I don't want him to be there with her, but he is with his kids which I know he was missing really bad. Second, I hate to see him in that position because he isn't happy and I know his W and she's a b***h and I'm sure she's got him walking on eggshells which is why he hasn't been in contact w/me, plus he ran over his cell with a work truck and crushed it so he was phoneless for a few days. He did sound very happy to hear my voice when I called, so that part is good. I'm doing just what you are, taking it a day at a time, but deep down I know we won't go back to the way we were just a few weeks ago and that makes me incredibly sad. I'm trying to shake off the feelings I've been having because I find myself really taking it out on my family and that's not fair to them, but even as I'm writing this I'm tearing up again, and right now I'm at work and can't cry. So, I'll just take a deep breath and pretend everything is ok. I am so glad I found this board because I have only told one person and, while she is extremely supportive, she is half-way across the US from me and can't relate like those here can because she's not in the same situation.

hugs,

Pony

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 8:08pm
I have another question...

Why does every day bring different emotions out in us? I was with MM today, it was a very good day, but tonight I just feel so blah about everything.We are seeing each other tomorrow and I really am looking forward to it, so tonite makes no sense.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:10am
I have often wondered the same thing. I think sometimes it's emotions and sometimes (at least for me) it's just being tired, emotionally wrung out if you will. I get so very emotional about my A, whether it's excitement at seeing or talking to MM or disappointment because I didn't or trying to be cheerful and upbeat for my family and it's just draining. There are days when I wonder how I am going to function if I can't talk to him (right now we have some "issues" that need to be cleared up) and it's truly a challenge just to interact in a positive manner with my family. Heck, it's less than 2 weeks until Christmas and I'm not wearing my Christmas clothes or listening to the music because I just don't really care right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of depression sometimes and I have to give myself pep talks constantly. I don't know if this in any way answers your question, but it's made me feel a little better to get some of this off my chest! :-}

Pony

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