my husband knows

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
my husband knows
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 10:25am
hi everybody - i'm so glad i've found this place. i'd appreciate any advice you could give me. Last summer, i saw a old boyfriend who i hadn't seen in 14 years. 14 years ago we had a short but intense affair while my present husband (but then boyfriend) and i were having problems. I was nuts about him then but after a very short stint he pushed me away thinking his odds weren't very good against my then boyfriend, present husband. I was hurt but got tough and let it go. I married my husband about a year later. Meanwhile, over these past 2.5 years I have lived in a foreign country with our two kids while my husband has gone back and forth to the states for work (1 to 2 weeks home, 2 to 3 weeks away). This was an arrangement we thought we could withstand emotionally and an excellent experience for our children. But, i guess we couldn't. When i saw my now MM the feelings were overwelming. I was instantly a mess and confused. I was so attracted to him and couldn't wait to see him again. For 12 whole years of my marriage i had followed my own personal rule of never doing anything i couldn't tell my husband about and now i was willing to break this rule. Even this scared me but i wasn't strong enough. He gave me his number and after 3 long weeks of deliberation and waiting for my husband to go - i called him. We live thousands of miles apart but we've talked daily whenever we could. I planned a trip in September to see him with an extended family excuse. My husband was very supportive as he knew that i hadn't been on trip by myself in over 2 years. My MM and i were able to see each other and the passion and intensity was like nothing either of us had ever felt before. I love you's were shared but a worry and frustration persisted. What were we to do. We felt lucky to have found each other again but unsure what we could really do about it all. He too has children and we both worry very much about this part of the equation. Anyway, a few weeks after my first trip, my husband started to ask questions like "is there another guy" - i couldn't lie. I spilled the beans but i was about to head off for another trip to see him. He asked if i wouldn't go but i had to see him. At first he was hurt but understanding and then after i left he proceeded to call every one of my family members and threatened to take my children to our other home in the states until i got my priorities in line. In fear of losing my children, i rushed back and said i wouldn't talk to MM. But i couldn't do it. I missed him so much. But,I have waffled back and forth. I don't think i'm in love with my husband but he's a good Dad and has really tried to be a good husband. He wants to try to make us better but he wants me to stop talking to MM and i don't know if i can do it. I know the statistics are horrible for affairs turning into successful second marriages but aren't there some that succeed. Am i completely crazy to throw my childrens and his childrens lives into turmoil for the possibility of happiness with him. MM's wife still doesn't know, even though H has threatened to call her many times. MM is in counseling trying to figure things out. MM's therapist doesn't want him talking to me but he continues to call. For him, he says he's never stopped thinking of me and feels he made a big mistake 14 years ago. What am i to do???