Please read.....my dog deleted the 1st!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Please read.....my dog deleted the 1st!
1
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 9:19pm
ok- I'm trying this again. I was totally done before and my dog reached his paw up and hit escape...ugh!

First, thanks to all who read and responded to my message a few days ago. A lot has happened since then. A few days ago, I told MM that I could not continue like this. I told him I felt hurt and basically rejected that he could not concentrate on his life enough to figure out what he wants. We talked for hours and without going into every iteration, it ended with him saying that it just didn't feel right..it was just not right(breaking up) and we needed to have another discussion. Our charge was to figure out either to break up or figure out an alternative that worked for both of us. Tonight was to be our 'another discussion'.

To majorly summarize the high points: it started with him walking in saying that he wanted us to stay together and that he had no great though out reason why but that he felt we should stay together. I then said he must not care enough or as much as he thinks he does if he wants things to remain as is. He said that wasn't it, there are major deep feelings there and then we got into his explaining that he just cannot imagine not being able to see his kids at will (crying which is RARE here)Went into great detail and I DO understand this. I have a son myself. Then moved eventually to him saying that he knows he must dedicate 100% to figuring out his marriage relationship in order to be able to realistically and honestly know what he wants long-term. I'd be lying if I didn't say it hurt that he has to figure out if he wants to be with someone else before he can think about us, but I guess that isn't so much about feelings as reality of the situation. He said it isn't as easy as what he wants- there are other things involved. Also said that without the happiness that I have brought to him he would be left with the reality of his current life. He then pulled me to him and we just held hands and kind of leaned on each other. It then literally hit me that the big open issue with us regarding my previous pregnancy was that I had made the decision to sacrifice the baby's life for his life (yes, I deeply regret this and know it wasn't right so PLEASE no judgement here.....I can't take it)and that the fact that he was doing nothing to stop living like he's been living was more than I could bear. Minimized the 'event' as we call it and our relationship in my book. I cannot stand the fact of him going through the motions of life and not going through every day of his life feeling and really living. That is the positive that we bring into each others lives. It never hit me until that moment. He said it all made sense and it ended with him saying he would like to talk more b/c I always bring up things that he hasn't thought about when we talk. He said he wasn't going to call on his way home as he usually does b/c he wants to finish this conversation in person. It is hard to describe, but I feel like the wall I've been feeling went away and I feel closer than ever to him.

Am I being a totally stupid sap here? I feel like if I were smart I'd say adios, but I can't help but feel there is something else. We are talking again tomorrow, so any input here would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.




Edited 12/9/2003 7:07:22 AM ET by icrunch

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 10:13am
I think the open lines of communication are what you both need desparately right now. Just be careful not to talk it to death by talking in circles...

Forget about the past, lay out your present feelings and move forward...

I can definately see why you are frustrated with the fact that you have made such personal sacrifices in his best interest and the best interest of your relationship only to see him stay put, spinning his wheels. It's extremely difficult to do everything in your power to make things easier on someone you love only to watch them continue to do the same old "bad habits"...you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink...

*HUGS*

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com