Is this a fair question to ask?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Is this a fair question to ask?
7
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:39pm
Is it fair to ask your MM if he is still in love with his wife? Sometimes the curiosity gets the best of us and we just want to know. I know that I love my husband but am not "in love" with him so I feel very open about these feelings.

For those of you that think it's ok to as (or may have already asked their MW or MM), is it acceptable if they are not able to answer that question? Mine had a tough time answering. He said that he's asked himself that question and he realized that he's not in love with her but...he was still trying to differentiate the difference between his feelings for her and how he feels for her as the mother of his child. Should I be upset that he couldn't just answer "Yes" or "No". I may be flying off the handle here but I want to just walk away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 5:11pm
Fair?? maybe not the nicest thing to have to confront.

My MM says, yes he loves her! I believe he should, because it shows me that he his the kind loving man I know he is. He should love her, and the life they have built together, a life that I can not give him. (I can not give him children or the past they have had. I may have given him a different one, but one can never tell!!!)

For now, I can give him, the best of friendships, and a little something she hasn't been able to give. I do not want to make him stop loving her, because this would be unfair. I want to only cherish him, as I adore him, and encourage him to be the best he can be for her, his kids, and somewhere after all that, ME!

Maybe he hesitated, as not to hurt you. My MM said yes, but almost in a defensive way. I told him that I hoped he loved her, it was normal, she is his wife and the mother of his children. I am only the MW, his safe haven, a lot of things, that she isn't for him, and maybe never was or will be.

Love is unconditional, and some are not able to give it, and I am not sure she knew how... time will tell.

Just my 2cents... Mitzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 6:21pm
I asked that question to MM before we got intimate because if he was in love with her then I wouldnt go through with it. Well we had been friends for a while before the A so I had an idea of how he felt about her anyways as he knew how I felt about my H. He told me that e loved her because she was the mother of his daughter but as far as being in love with her he was not and had not been for a while. Of course I never told him that if he was in love with her that I wouldnt be intimate with him, it would have been something I would have kept to myself if he was.

Sally

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:13pm
We've gone thru a whole "what is love, what is In Love". I don't know. My darling has said he's in love with 2 women.What do I do about that? We are both in long term marriages-mine is pretty much over, he is still in a marriage that sort of works. My love loves me. I think he probably loves his wife. If I didn't come on the scene, he would probably still be "happy". We're middle aged. This whole thing was a surprise. We knew each other 40 years ago.

I don't ask any questions any more. I just enjoy the love of my darling, whom I see maybe every 2 months. You people who see each other every day. CHERISH IT!!!

Legs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 8:09am
I don't understand why you want to walk away, when he couldn't give you a clear answer.

I guess my thought is, if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask. It's not a matter of being fair, unless you're going to use his answer against him.

He sounds confused. Given that he's in an EMA, I would say that's normal. MM and I don't differentiate between loving and being in love. Our Ms are what they are, and they are separate from the R and feelings we have from each other. It does get confusing, for both of us, so we take it one day at a time. But I don't see how my MM loving or not loving his W impacts our EMA unless I am expecting something more from him. And at this point, I am not. But do you know what your expectations are? Is this why his confusion bothers you?

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 9:08am
leggs, I get to see my mm 5 days a week at work and I do cherish it! anyway...he has told me many times over the years "I shouldn't be doing this because I love my wife" I tell ya what it really ruins the moment! One day over lunch this summer I told him that I loved my H but I was not in love with him, well he told me he felt the same way about his W. He has never said anything more about loving his wife to me since then. We are in love with each other and that is all that matters.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:52pm


I don't think there's anything wrong with asking that question, provided you and MM are honest and open with each other about everything...

MM and I have talked about that, and he came right out and said he is not in love with W. He loves her, and I can respect that, she is the mother of his children and they have been together over 10 years, and I'm ok with that. The same pretty much goes for me and my H.

The comforting thing is.. MM tells me he is totally not attracted to her anymore... it's gotten to the point where he's almost disgusted with her. I know this sounds mean, but god, that's kind of nice to hear for me!!


Complicated

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 1:25pm

It's not unfair to ask that question.

Laugh Smiles