For all those leaving

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
For all those leaving
7
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 3:08am
The other thread got a little long, so i wanted to send out my hugs...seems like there are alot of us women (and men!) leaving our spouses.

i went through all this last September (2003). My life marriage was so hard. There was...alot of emotional stress and trauma. H wasn't making much money, constantly talking with other women, bringing them over, so, so, SO much more. i can honestly in the physical department say he never hit me, just occaisional pushing and shoving.

Anyway, my point was to just kind of tell you guys that it's a tough road. But here i am six months later, i am you guys in six months LOL!! And it is hard sometimes (just registered my dd for kindergarten today amidst all the happy suburban families...the first time all three of us were together since i left) BUT i also know, with each passing day, that i did the right thing, that i will survive, i will learn, i will grow, i will live alone for the first time, i will learn things i never knew (there's a rope in your garage to open the door in case the power goes out, who knew!?!?) and just like with any other emotional "crisis" slowly, the good days outnumber the bad and you doubt less and you go about your life and then one day you realize... you haven't just "acted out the day" feeling so conscious of the fact that your life has changed, you just, are living it!!!!

Now i have also in this time gone through the lovliness of having my MM tell me (after i left my H, but again, didn't leave for him, was leaving anyway) that he WOULD leave and marry me and then change his mind. i know that sounds ruthless but he has his reasons and i don't really blame him for a minute. Sometimse it feels like being in love with MM and going through divorce are two of the hardest things for anyone to EVER to through, let alone at the very same time!! But, most of the time, i am just feeling free and relived to be done with my marriage and the stress (tip: once you are alone you will have a tendency to forget how bad things really were), feeling happy that MM is helping me GET that i am special, that i am worth being treated like a princess (thank you MM) and he has given me a whole new ruler with which to gauge my future relationships. Until i am ready to date, i have a best friend, hugs, amazing (really amazing) sex, financial help, all the emtional help and attention a woman could hope for, plus my independence, my future and all it's wonderful possibilites, my freedom, my girlfriends, my daugther......... i have a handy-man and date for movies and pizza or fancy dinners out, i have a teacher and guide and a listener and i have the chance to learn who the hell *i* really am. Thanks to my MM, *i* have my cake and eat it too!!!

sorry this is so long. i jsut...........i have been through this. it's so easy to say, this sucks, my husband is gone and i dno't have MM full time...........but it can really be a wonderful situation IMHO if you look at it my way :) :)

Sorry so long, sorry for mispellings, 2am, time for bed!!!

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 7:57am
Thanks Jenn....Going through all the stress right now is unbearable, but when I look at my children's faces, I know I'm doing the right thing. When I came home last night and had to deal with the anger, resentment and hostility of H, I know I'm doing the right thing. MM is being very supportive and it's so helpful emotionally for me. We live about 1 & 1/2 hrs apart, which stinks, and when I move into the apartment, I'm staying very close to where I am now (until school is out...didn't want to pull DS out this far into the school year). MM wants me to move closer to him, which I am...mostly because my dad has a house for me and I am from that part of town anyway...all my friends and family are there and I know I'll need the emotional support. But, having MM nearby will be such a wonderful thing. The sex is awesome, but he has such a huge heart and is so kind....it will be such a different situation than I am in now. I don't know what my future holds for me with love, but I'll be at peace and happy with my children. Thanks for your words, Jenn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:17am
You did the right thing by leaving the H. he sounded like a real jerk. Realize his mistakes weren't your fault. But it sounds like you've got your head on straight, and know where your headed. Don't look on the past, go for that future! Lots of luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:38am

jenn -- EXCELLENT POST!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:19am
It sounds like you're approaching a good place jenn, congratulations. I know everyday is a struggle, but it sounds like each day also gets a little easier. Stay strong and stay focused on your life. I'm sorry your MM had a change of heart, but at least he is still sharing that heart with you.

I guess you could say I'm approaching this point in my life. I'll probably end up staying for the birth of my son (assuming my W allows me to), but a month or two after that, I will be moving out. My W is not an abusive person at all and I'm hoping that after she has time to grieve the end of our M, we can develop a friendship as we will always have to work together to raise our children.

But I'm terrified of some of the things you've described. I know that once I am out of the house and living on my own (although I hope to have my sons every other week), I will probably look back and wonder if I made a mistake. As you said, once you're out of the situation it is easy to forget how unhappy you were at the time. And I have never lived alone so that will be a new thing for me. But as scared as I am, I'm also excited to gain the freedom to finally be the person I can be and to face each day knowing I am strong and that I did the right thing.

I do also hope to begin a relationship with my OW, but that will progress slowly as she will be living a couple of hours away. I don't know whether it will end up where I want it to, but I love her with all my heart and I know she feels the same. I hope we end up together but even if we don't, I know I will find someone who can appreciate me for me.

Ultimately, as long as I can be with my sons and continue to progress in my career, I know I'll be happy and content. Loneliness will be there sometimes I'm sure, but that's okay. I think sometimes you can learn from being alone.

Again, thank you jenn for sharing this with us and I hope that in the future I can reach the place you have. And by then, you'll probably be on to an even better stage. Keep us updated. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:33am
I hear ya. I don't take things well with the R either. Sometimes I am scared of the future, sometimes I panic, sometimes happy to be where I am. I am glad you are in a happy place. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:13am
Ditto what you said. I left my H just over 5 months ago and can relate to what you're experiencing (except the part about remembering it as better than it was, lol). Did you know that washing machine pipes can block up, too? Who knew?? And that the direction you face the air filter really *does* matter?? But this has been such an interesting adventure. I was telling SO just this morning that i've been braver this past year than I've been in the 20 years since my dad got sick and died. And it's true. But I've also been happier than I've been in about 6 or 7 years and I've been much more self confident and self reliant as well.

The good days do start to outnumber the bad. Even my teen was telling someone that a few weeks ago...she said that there are still bad days, but not nearly as many as before and not as many as there are good days. That is good news, indeed.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:20am
Hey luck lady, I am so happy you are doing good. Good to hear from you!