Finding balance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Finding balance?
5
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:38am
Hi everyone. Thanks for welcoming me to the board. I've read through several of the postings and found a common feeling from a lot of you, especially the regulars. I know each A is different, but most of you all seem very content with your A's and seemed to have found a balance in your lives with OM/OW and H/W. How do you do that? I feel very emotionally drained when dealing with MM and H. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to imply that you guys have no conscience or do not feel guilty about the A, but I am trying to find out how to balance myself where I don't feel so emotionally drained all the time. Does it get better with time? I've only had the A for 3 months, or does it get better when you have more of a emotional tie with OM/OW? Currently MM and I are just FWB, even though I would like it to escalate more. And then how to deal with H, who senses my detachment from him, but does not understand why so therefore wants to smother me with more affection and love, which I don't want from him right now, but do want from MM. Oh so confusing. Please share how you find balance within yourself during your A's. Thanks.

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:11am
Hi ibe.. I've been following your story today, and you are where I am, but I've been having a fwb A for a little over a year now. I'm m 5 yrs. mm for 1 yr. 6 mo. In the beg. it is hard to balance out your emotions and your "two" lives. I found it very difficult to deal with them myself. I even sought out counseling to find out why I'm in an A. I tried to end my A 3 times, but couldn't keep away from my mm. Very sexually attracted to one another..lol I even felt like I was falling for him. I got butterflies every time I seen him, and my heart raced.. I couldn't stop thinking about him.. Thought about him every second of the day. I had to tell him.. which I shocked him..lol.. and told him we had to end it, cuz I was feeling this way. But then I explained that I was thinking about him to much and it's a distraction from my M. But he told me that he thinks about me all the time to.. (sexually)..lol We didn't end up ended it..lol..

Now, he doesn't work in the same place anymore, but we still "get together". I have learned to cope with all the feelings and I used to have A LOT of guilt, but I'm way beyond that. It just seemed to go away.. don't ask me how.. it just did. I'm not happy in my M. I'm not attracted to my H. I'm seriously thinking about leaving the M as soon as my dd is out of preschool.. it's expensive.

But as far as MM and I go, we love to spend time together. we get together once or twice every 2-3 weeks. It's great. Right now I'm gonna be happy for what we have and enjoy being cake people..lol

hang in there and hope everything goes well with you guys. relax and enjoy your time and try to control those emotions of yours. I know it's REALLY hard!! If you need to talk anytime, give me an email.. chrissluver2003@yahoo.com

take care..

Gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:15am

hi ibe -- don't you wish someone could just teach you this stuff!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 2:28pm
Thanks Chrisluver and Gurl for the advice. I'm starting to get it. I am over analyzing everything and I need to learn to just have fun and appreciate the times I do have with MM especially since I don't think it will last much longer and I just can't seem to walk away from MM right now. I guess my problem is I want too much from the A and that's not what an A is about. So I'm going to try to control my emotions more and focus on H when I am with him and focus on MM when I am with him, even though I do think about MM all day long...sigh..

Thanks again ladies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 9:54pm
I felt overwhelmed in the beginning and still do from time to time. I have been in an emotional FWB affair for over a year. Although we are not intimate we are physical and connected. There used to me some days I thought I'd go crazy. I guess it just finds its place if it is going to be just a fwb relationship. If there is not going to be any change in your M then you too will find the balance. As I said there are still those times I get freaky but they are far less than in the beginning.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 9:24pm
Actually, you've asked the question of the year! (At least for me.)

My MM and I were talking about marriage...to the point he told our friends he was leaving his wife for me.

This has caused some problems.

I'm not sure where we're going any more. I'm not ready to walk away, and he's not ready to let me go. I'm really not ready to be married, though...and he isn't ready to walk away from twenty five years.

Right now I'm doing okay with it. I told him I wasn't going through another holiday season like I did last year, and I won't. What worries me is the thought that I'm becoming comfortable in this role. While we were initially planning on being FWB and I was being daring and going to _try_ it, that's been out the window for months now.

I think what scares me is that I can see myself in this relationship for years...and I don't know that I'll ever be completely happy with myself for allowing it. And then I talk with him or touch him and the next thing I know I'm lost again. Even though part of me feels as though his hesitation means I'll always be second best, do I want to give up the loving part of the loaf I already have? (And in many ways, I have far more of him than his W does.)

Truthfully, I don't know how long I can tolerate being hidden away. (And our friends are ticked at him and worried for me...also not a good situation.)

But for now, I'm glad to have him in my life. For some reason, time, distance, morality: none seem to apply to us. At least not today.

Cazrida