Thinking of other men
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| Sat, 03-13-2004 - 10:00pm |
Some background. I'm 33, married almost 8 years, no kids. We'd only been married a year when DH dignosed with bipolar disorder. Never a peep of mental illness prior to then. Since then he's been hospitazlied 9 times, and made suicided attempts (mostly half-hearted, but scary nonetheless). He can't keep a job and started going back to school but was unable to stay with it. I am a lawyer with an MBA so I have a good job, and money's not a problem because he has some inheritance.
I love him with all my heart, but since his illness I feel more like a caregiver to my DH than a wife. He is a wonderful man and treats me so well, but I feel empty right now. I realize its not his fault but with every breakdown of his I feel myself falling further with him. I've gained weight and drink frequently and sometimes too heavily. I'm not blaming him per se, but I've had a difficult time dealing with his illness and the consequences. I've become more withdrawn too from friends and co-workers over time.
Last night I was at dinner w/DH and my Dad. A cute guy at another table looked over at me and I could tell he found me attractive. We met eyes a couple times during the dinner, and it gave me a little thrill. How sad is that? I know my Dad saw me checking him out too, how embarrassing...
Anyway, if push came to shove I don't know if I could live with myself if I cheated, even if DH never found out. But I don't know if I want a divorce or not. I do want to have kids someday but how can I bring a child into this situation? Dear Lord, I am so lost.
Can anyone relate? I really feel as if I am losing it.
Thank you for letting me vent. Hugs to all of you!

Have you talked to your doctor about getting something for the STRESS your under, if your drinking to much and loseing your grip you may need to get help before you suffer real harm.
Take it from experence it is better to get out of a marriage cleanly then to kill it slowly and a lot less painfull for all concerned.
GOOD LUCK
Free
Virgogirl
Let me say that your feelings are so natural. You're looking for someone to validate you and support you. As women, we typically find comfort in being held, being found attractive, being made love to. Nothing wrong with that. I would caution you, though, to find peace with your relationship with your husband and your husband's illness first. Otherwise you will continually feel guilty, and instead of adding something to your life you will be adding an extra burden to carry.
While there is not a lot of advice here, let me at least let you know that you are not in this alone. There are others of us in the same situation as you. Above all, give yourself a break. You didn't ask for this on your plate, and neither did H. Treat yourself well and know that you are wonderful for staying with H and helping him fight. And meds are great. Once they get his cocktail right (as they finally have with my nephew) he will be nearly normal. The trick is to stay normal yourself until then. Hugs to you!
Edited 3/15/2004 1:46 pm ET ET by julietsfate
Edited 3/15/2004 6:19 pm ET ET by julietsfate