Thinking of other men

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thinking of other men
7
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 10:00pm
I think I'm losing my mind. For the past 6 or 9 months, I've been fantasizing almost non-stop about cheating on my DH. I never in a million years thought I'd feel this way.

Some background. I'm 33, married almost 8 years, no kids. We'd only been married a year when DH dignosed with bipolar disorder. Never a peep of mental illness prior to then. Since then he's been hospitazlied 9 times, and made suicided attempts (mostly half-hearted, but scary nonetheless). He can't keep a job and started going back to school but was unable to stay with it. I am a lawyer with an MBA so I have a good job, and money's not a problem because he has some inheritance.

I love him with all my heart, but since his illness I feel more like a caregiver to my DH than a wife. He is a wonderful man and treats me so well, but I feel empty right now. I realize its not his fault but with every breakdown of his I feel myself falling further with him. I've gained weight and drink frequently and sometimes too heavily. I'm not blaming him per se, but I've had a difficult time dealing with his illness and the consequences. I've become more withdrawn too from friends and co-workers over time.

Last night I was at dinner w/DH and my Dad. A cute guy at another table looked over at me and I could tell he found me attractive. We met eyes a couple times during the dinner, and it gave me a little thrill. How sad is that? I know my Dad saw me checking him out too, how embarrassing...

Anyway, if push came to shove I don't know if I could live with myself if I cheated, even if DH never found out. But I don't know if I want a divorce or not. I do want to have kids someday but how can I bring a child into this situation? Dear Lord, I am so lost.

Can anyone relate? I really feel as if I am losing it.

Thank you for letting me vent. Hugs to all of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 12:17am
Hello Dallas

Have you talked to your doctor about getting something for the STRESS your under, if your drinking to much and loseing your grip you may need to get help before you suffer real harm.

Take it from experence it is better to get out of a marriage cleanly then to kill it slowly and a lot less painfull for all concerned.

GOOD LUCK

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 1:00am
Hi Dallas: I agree with Free, you should talk to your doctor or a counselor to help you sort things out. I wish I would have done so myself, maybe I wouldn't be involved in the mess I'm in now (madly in love with a MM and involved in an EMA for over five years). My H also has psychological problems for which he refuses to get help. Like you, I have always worked and carried the load, so to speak. My DH never could hold down a job for any length of time, and ended up getting hurt on a job years ago which ended his 'career.' He is now on SS disability. His injuries, ongoing pain, etc., only reinforced his bad habits of drinking, and other substances. I have learned alot about myself and what an enabler I was for staying with him and wearing blinders. He is depressed most of the time with a bad temper and mood swings like a revolving door. Although I feel great pity for him, I am no longer in love with my H. He is very dependent upon me, and more like a child than a spouse. I don't mean to be cruel as deep down he really is a good person (just screwed up). My advice to you would be to seek counseling to see if you can handle all that the future will hold for you. If you are having feelings for other men, it's because your needs are not being met. I ignored those little signs myself until a major traumatic event in my life occurred and the next thing I knew, I was in the arms of another man. I wish you the best in whatever it is you decide to do.

Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 11:20am
Thanks ladies...I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. I just can't talk to my friends or, heaven forbid, my family about this one. I'm so ashamed of my feelings right now, esp. since my DH, when he is well, treats me like gold (though he never hurts me when he's sick either). I know it would devastate him if I left. But would it devastate him more if I cheated? I don't know if I have the strenght to take either course, I'm afraid I'll be having these feelings for 10 years and then suddenly, I'll turn around and half my life has frittered away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:02pm
Hi, Dallas... this post is 2 days old, but I wanted to reply anyway. I've been off the board for a few days. I'm in a similar situation to yours. My husband had a stroke several years ago. While I love him dearly, I'm more care-giver than wife most times. It adds a stressful dynamic to the relationship that is hard to explain to someone who is not in your situation. It's hard to make love to someone when you spend most of the day being their parent. I also understand about bi-polar disease because my nephew suffers from it. I think in many ways, your situation is harder than mine because he 'looks' so normal and acts so disfunctional. My heart goes out to you.

Let me say that your feelings are so natural. You're looking for someone to validate you and support you. As women, we typically find comfort in being held, being found attractive, being made love to. Nothing wrong with that. I would caution you, though, to find peace with your relationship with your husband and your husband's illness first. Otherwise you will continually feel guilty, and instead of adding something to your life you will be adding an extra burden to carry.

While there is not a lot of advice here, let me at least let you know that you are not in this alone. There are others of us in the same situation as you. Above all, give yourself a break. You didn't ask for this on your plate, and neither did H. Treat yourself well and know that you are wonderful for staying with H and helping him fight. And meds are great. Once they get his cocktail right (as they finally have with my nephew) he will be nearly normal. The trick is to stay normal yourself until then. Hugs to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:43pm
Sataurday and others - you all seem to make too much about bi-polar disorder. If the person has been taking medication - the mood stabilizing kind the people who have this disorder are pretty straightforward. Its when they stop taking medication or not yet been diagnosed the problems occur. I don't mean to say you don't have prolems in your situations but I can tell you that my brother has bi polar disorder. He is fine for the most part except sometimes he refused to take medicine. Even then he never went through suicidal bouts or anything, just plain disinterested in life in general. He is married to a wonderful girl and they do not have any problems other than that he can such stubborn a** sometimes. LOL




Edited 3/15/2004 1:46 pm ET ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:25pm
I'm glad for your sister, Juliet -- but my experience (having dealt with my nephew and others in our support group) is that she is the exception rather than the rule. Bi-polar disorder, just like any other disease, has degrees of seriousness. Some are more affected. Add to that the possibility that the diagnosis could be off-base because it mimics the symptoms of other diseases that are not so easily diagnosed. Much is not yet known about bi-polar disorder. Unfortunately, as I stated, it can take some time to get the drug cocktail right. It can be very effective once treated correctly. I only respond, Juliet, because I don't want our original poster to think we are minimizing her issue. Bi-polar disorder can rip a family apart. But it can also be beat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 5:17pm
I agree everybody is different and the level to which they are affected also varies. I don't knowif the original poster said if her H had a severe form of it, but I felt nobody metioned anything about medication in their post to control the symptoms. I am not trying to minimize the effects of it on a spouse who has a husband that won't take medications, because I do know how much it hurt my SIL that my brother was sick. When you are in love, it doesn't matter I guess like for my SIL. She loves him inspite of it. WAAAAY too much. Just my experiences and thoughts. :)


Edited 3/15/2004 6:19 pm ET ET by julietsfate