Just need a little support...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Just need a little support...
16
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:35pm
Hi all. I've been a little scarce lately because I've been going through a lot here at home. My W and I have been discussing the breakdown of our marriage and once in awhile I see that she understands my perspective. That we never really had deep connection and were just clinging to each other out of fear of being alone. That our communication needs and values are very different. But then she'll start sobbing and ask me why she isn't good enough. I tell her that I would never say she isn't good enough. That it isn't about that. But when she gets upset she begins blaming me for everything and I start to feel as if she is right. That I'm being selfish. But damn it, I think I have to be. I don't want to be sitting here 5 or 10 years from now ten times as miserable and wondering why I stayed when I knew leaving was the right thing. And of course when she gets upset, she tends to threaten using the children to punish me too. She quickly takes that back but it still frightens me. And angers me. I've told her I won't fight her on much, but when it comes to my kids, I will fight her tooth and nail if need be.

I guess I don't really have a question I need answered or anything along those lines. I'm just feeling alternately angry, sad, guilty and relieved and I don't know what to do with all this emotion. Thanks for listening and feel free to comment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:02pm


Since she already knows that you're planning on leaving, hormones, frustration, anger and fear are running rampant.

Maybe you can both try to regain the friendship you originally had. You'll be raising those kids together for a long time.

Good luck...I know its got to be incredibly difficult. And kudos for staying to support her through her pregnancy. It will mean more to her later.

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:03am
Hi Omaha,

I'm sorry you & W are going thru such a difficult time - but I know you'll both come out stronger for it. It's good you two are talking, and discussing the breakdown of M; that she can get a little glimmer of your perspective.

I don't know what her's is, but I know how I felt when xH told me he didn't love me - and perhaps you'll understand because you place much importance on love - it was the ultimate rejection, and my self-worth plummetted. It took me a long while to stop blaming xH, and myself...I would alternate between thinking it was all his fault since he was such a monster, to wondering what I could have done differently; such a gammit of emotions (and Cazrida is right in that W is even more emotional). Now I realise that we perhaps really never "knew" each other and certainly "grew" into different people...in my mind's eye he *was* a monster because he was abusive - but then, I allowed it.

You wrote, "And of course when she gets upset, she tends to threaten using the children to punish me too. She quickly takes that back but it still frightens me. And angers me. I've told her I won't fight her on much, but when it comes to my kids, I will fight her tooth and nail if need be." People tend to lash out when they are hurt - to want to hurt the other person. Do you think W is feeling very insecure and worried about the future - how she will cope financially and emotionally - and that she feels the children are her leverage?

xH used the children to get at me too, because he realised that is where I was vulnerable and in that way he had control. But you know, you and W are adults and you know you'll get to the other side of this eventually - which is of more importance: what is best for you/W, or what is best for the children? Is it better to fight, or let her get angry and then discuss it when she's calmed down? Do you plan to stay with your convictions - and if so, do you feel W will eventually accept the situation? I would bet W is more intelligent (and with more self-worth) than I was and will ultimately grasp it...if you let her feel/deal with the emotions now, she's likely get through it quicker (though of course being pregnant adds to it - and she may be emotional after baby is born due to the hormonal changes yet again).

xH & I lived under the same roof for over a year (egads!) while preparing for D and it was sooo difficult - but good because we had to face it, talk about it, get mad at each other, etc. instead of arguing through lawyers. Everything did not go the way I would have wished, but then it didn't for xH either...it couldn't possibly since our values are different.

There comes with each experience the opportunity to learn and mature - know that however difficult it is now, you are living and learning, and you'll both be more mature and stronger for it. I'm glad you have the board to let it out...there isn't really much else you can do with the emotions but acknowledge them, appreciate them and move on. And you know, Omaha, I haven't read a post of yours yet in which you've belittled W (unless I missed it, lol) and so I can see what a good Dad you are, and how supportive of W you are and will be - just be sure to keep reassuring W of it, and remind yourself once in a while too!

Peace (as in mind, not hippy, lol)

Meow

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 1:03am
Omaha,

i can tell you divorce is harder than i thought it would be for me.

But among all the doubt and the fear if you go somewhere quiet and listen and feel, you'll hear and feel that you know you are doing the right thing.

Just because something is "right" doesn't mean it's easy.

i think both you and your wife are very brave people who have a good chance to end this amicably. it may not be fun or easy, come vent here whenever you want, or go to a divorce board. i go to the "divorce under 30" board and it's a lifesaver.

i too had to live with my STBX for 2 months after i said i was leaving. it was very, very hard. it will get easier when you are physically seperated, although, maybe that's more true for those of whose spouses turned mean and nasty (well, meaner and nastiER!)

Good luck

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:41am
I can only say that you already know how you feel and what you want . You just need to go for your future and everything will fall into place. Change is good . You deserve to be happy in this life time. My MM has given up alot of years to please his W with no luck. Happiness comes from inside. People can cope with just about any situation they are put in. Remember that the only thing to fear is fear itself. The children will adjust. I just went through this. It is not easy. But time heals all wounds. They deffinately know how much you love them. It will take time for them to get use to the split. But when they know you are happy they will be ok. I can't believe how much our situations are alike. Love and understanding to you !
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:41am
Well you know- better to be selfish now than 20 years down the road. Bottom line, I knew after just a year that my W and I were't connecting and were very different emotionally. I tend to be the introspective one that needs affection and communication. She is much more logical and has very few needs. Well I stuck it out and always put everyone's needs above my own. And now I'm an old man (haha) who is going to try to start his life all over again (my OW is younger also). Let me tell you it doesn't get any easier and people just resent you even more because they figure if you put up with it for 20+ years why change now?? Trust me- the kids will resent you much less for defining yourself and your needs NOW. And it gives your wife the chance to move on- she doesn't realize it but she would much rather be single now than in 20 years. You guys gave it a go- remind her constantly that no matter what happens she matters to you, you care about her and you will do everything in your power to take care of that family. But you need to be happy too. You deserve to be happy too. My wife has tried the threats and I've found the best way to handle it is to look her in the eyes and tell her that no matter what I won't intentionally do anything to make this worse or hurt her more. It has taken some time but she has finally come to accept our situation and has become very calm. It helps that she is now making plans for herself too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:49am
Omaha -- you are going through the toughest situation imaginable. And it's just as tough for W (but I know you already realize that). From a woman's perspective, I can only relate an experience I had. I was madly deeply in love with a guy and we moved in together. Initially the relationship was very passionate. That lasted about six months or so, then he began to pull away emotionally and physically. Eventually he left. It took me years to figure out that I hadn't been madly deeply in love with him, just needing to be with someone. He never could really tell me why he left in terms I could understand at the time ("I found another woman, we're not good sexually, you're too smart, not smart enough"). I think I wanted something concrete when there really wasn't anything like that. It took me years to figure it out and not feel like there was something wrong with me. He just came to the conclusions I did earlier than me. Strangely enough, I still feel insecure and unworthy and have to remember that sometimes two people just don't 'fit'. Then I have to remind myself that I felt that insecurity before him, and not because of him. I can truly say that now I only have fond memories of the good times we had together, and I'm able to seperate my ego from the situation more often than not. I think your wife will get there given time. I know that's a commodity you don't have much of, because your children are at stake. But she sounds like a decent person, and with a little patience on your part I do believe it will reach it's natural (and okay) conclusion. I'll be thinking of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:50am
omaha, its better to be truthful and get out when you get the chance than continue the charade of perfect family and resent everything twenty years down the line. Guilt can be a powerful emotion but think of the peace of mind in the years to follow. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:47am
This sounds sort of like my own story. 10 years of putting everyone else's needs and interests - my wife's, my son's - above my own. 10 years of being determined to fix something that was totally "unfixable" almost from the start, doing my darnedest to be a good father and husband - while watching my hopes, my happiness, my self-worth fly out the window. The end result of all that misery was my then wife meeting someone else and later initiating a divorce and me feeling totally emotionally drained and having trouble starting my life all over again. That was long ago - just about as many years as my marriage lasted. It still makes me shiver when I think about it, though, and it wouldn't be an overstatement to say that the aftereffects of it haunt me to this day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:48am
omaha

When is the baby due? You two should separate IMO. Take time away from your W and the OW and really think about what you want and what you can live with. But I firmly believe that you should cut off contact with the OW. I have no room to preach (been in an A for a year), but let me tell you from experience, your thinking will only get MORE clouded if you continue to try to juggle all of this. JMHO.

Charlotte

 

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:15am
OM, I'm very sorry to hear that you and your W are going thru such difficult times. D is never easy or simple; trust me I've been thru 2. Like you my first one was the most difficult because there were the kids. I know you know the story about my abuse that I took for many years from him but that was just part of the problem. Unfortunately even when we become adults we still act like children. I agree with Caz, try to regain the friendship that you once had with your W. Sit down and agree that you both disagree but you both love your children. I wish you the best and even though right now the road that you're walking looks gray and cloudy that is some sunshine at the end. If you don't love each other move on but try to do it with the least amount of hurt that may affect the children and each other. We’re all here for you when you want to chat! You can email me at anytime. Regretsnone2002@yahoo.com Good Luck! NMR

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