(ATTENTION)GOD WILL HELP!!HE UNDERSTANDS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
(ATTENTION)GOD WILL HELP!!HE UNDERSTANDS
3
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:50am
I felt the need this morning to speak to everyone and anyone who will read this,I am in the same sitiuation, well WAS as all of you are,my hopes are that EVERYONE here will read this.

To give you a little back ground I have been in an A for 7 months and been married for 10 years this march 20th.This affair I believe came from the way my husband use to treat me when we first got married, every since he treated me like a DOG, I have wanted to have an A.He use to abuse me, not as horrible as some do but to an amount I did not like.I continued dealing with it but hated it.Feeling like I was stuck, but over the years I have to honelsty say ,he is the Best Husband I know and could ever hope for.I believed he stopped doing me the way he was doing because I left him so much and had him arrested.

Although I knew he had changed I could not let it all go in my memory which led me to the A.Those memories constantly haunted me and I threw up a wall to my heart from my husband.

To get to the point I am trying to get across is that recently I had considered D from my husband for this other man, and basically because I knew I was wrong and figured if I was going to keep seeing my lover I would be better off to throw my marriage away so that I would be right with GOD.

I have a part time Job working nights to which my H dislikes greatly and has been wanting me to quit,I do not want to quit because it gives me EXTRA spending money.Last night before going into work we had a serious conversation about it and I told him I wanted a divorce for the second or third time,as usual he refused,suggest we go on our trip to Gatlinburg like we had planned this weekend for our 10 year anniversary first before I made that a final decision.I told him that we would and that I as well wanted to go to some kind of counseling for my self to be sure that a divorce was what I wanted.He told me he was going to pray for me that God would show me the light.I inturn told him I would pray as well.

I must say I am not what you call a BIG TIME church goer but I do believe in GOD and Love him deelpy.I had decided that I would stop on my way home somewhere and talk to GOD just me and him so that I could speak out loud about my problem where no one would hear me but him.I got out of work a little later than ususal so I decided I would just drive while talking to GOD.I told GOD that I needed his help,I told him I knew I was wrong and that I knew he disapproved of what I was doing (betraying my huband).I told him I was sorry and that I could not help my self and that I already had strong feelings for this other man.I asked GOD to show me if my A was just using me because all I wanted was for someone to love me for me not what I could give them.I let him know that I was confused and needed some kind of guidance and I left it in his hands told him it was all his decision.I told him to bless my husband and my lover.I had prayed about this all before bit it was like GOD was leaving the choice up to me so when I was talking to him last night I began crying saying GOD why are you not helping me,you know I can't do all this alone.I blieve that was the kicker right there,me admitting to GOD I could not handle this alone.GOD seen I was serious and really needed his help.I belive that GOD sometimes wants us to make our own choices wether wrong or right,he just looks over us,then when he see's we can't do it alone he then jumps in there and helps when we are at the end of our rope so to speak.When I was finished talking to him I felt better,I came home and went to bed,little did I know what would occur.

This morning I woke from a HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE dream!My husband has been married before and in this dream my husband was with his x wife.We all where there including our son.We were at some kind of Doctors appointment for our son and it hurt really bad to see them together,I had gotten into their vehicle for some reason and his x was driving really fast and my husband new that I was scared to death and he made her slow down.I feel that God came into my dream that way to show me what it would feel like if the shoe was on the other foot,and believe me it HURT REALLY REALLY BAD!!!It made me realize that I do still love my husband and I will do everything I can to make this marriage work.

Not only did he come to me in that manner but also through a phone call which was really scary but wonderful.I know your going to think this is nuts but I call everyday to hear my horoscope knowing that its not real but do it for fun.My horoscope today sad "you may have a bad start to the day,it could be that you feel taken for granted by your LIFE MATE and you may be drifting apart,its time to consider what you really want to recongnize wether or not you appreciate your loved one".Now to me I know GOD had a hand in that because he knows I ALWAYS call that every day.

I had to share that with all of you because I know some of you are going through a hard time not knowing which way to go.But from my experience I just went through not long ago,please know there is a way!GOD does understand and he knows we all want whats best for us and he knows whats best for us.

I hope I have not offended anyone who reads this I just hope I have helped those of you who feel confused.Go to GOD for the answers you are looking for,but be honest with him and tell him what you really are feeling an he will help you if you let him.

I wish the best of luck to ALL of you and I will pray for you all!!

GOD LOVES YOU!!!

DIMPLES
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:36pm
Dimples...thanks for the post. I totally relate to it. I have an "inner struggle" of my own going on and I have come to the point that I am totally fed up of it and want to go either way or other. When one has a good husband (even tho he had made faults in the past with no bad intentions but nevertheless had hurt us and we are still holding on that bad thing and ignoring all the good things) its really hard to quieten that inner voice. Its ironic I had that conversation with God myself today. I had really come to peace with myself with the NC I had imposed but now MM is again trying to contact me. I guess his resolve is gone and he is trying to destroy mine. My only concern is I want to make the right choice and thats why even I am paying attention to this struggle but I am fed up of this constant struggle to choose.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 5:49pm

To each their own Dimples hon... I'm glad that somehow you found the guiding light to see your way out of the darkness.


For me... I was not brought up with God... and whilst I've tried to believe... and there have been times I've been on my knees and begged God for a couple of things... he just did not hear me.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:03pm
Hi ladies: Like Sweet, I wasn't raised in a very religious atmosphere. However, I do believe in a higher power. My story is somewhat different from yours Dimples. I've been involved with my MM for 5 years now. Early into our R, his W became suspicious of the A and demanded he go into counseling with her. He told me at that time he thought he wanted to try and work on his marriage. I was devastated, but told him he must do what he must do. To complicate matters, we worked together, and he sat behind me at work. I would hear him on the phone with her saying 'I love you' and it would just devastate me. Still, we continued to be FWOB, and I knew in my heart that I wanted him to be happy, no matter what that would be. As for me, I tried to repair my marriage, but my H is a very different person. He refused to go to counseling, and still does to this day. He is not a terrible person, but is hot headed and can be verbally abusive. Anyway, our friendship bloomed (MM and I) and we continued to spend lunches together, and any other time we could, just to talk and be near each other. It was difficult because people at work were very suspicious. To make a long story short, it was about 3 months into our 'friends only' arrangement, when I went to the church (alone that day) where he and I would occasionally have a picnic lunch. I began to pray and asked God to please forgive me for loving this other man. I asked him for guidance and strength, as well. That evening, MM and I were alone working late, and we became intimate. I remember telling him no, that we shouldn't be doing this, and even apologized to him. He told me that it was ok, not to apologize, that it was what he wanted and he felt right with it. Through the years and to this day, I still struggle with it. My MM and I love each other deeply, and I feel that although it is wrong, he came into my life for a reason. And I cherish him everday. Best of luck to you, Virgogirl