Should I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Should I?
5
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:41pm
I wasn't really sure how to title my discussion. I am torn between wanting to do the "right" thing and wanting to explore happiness. I never could imagine not being faithful to my husband. But to give a little background on our relationship you may understand why I am contemplating not being faithful now. He and I have been married for almost six years. No children, a dog and two cats. Over those past six years we have overcome many, many challenges. Lost jobs, foreclosed house, repossessed cars, miscarriage, my nervous breakdown, etc... At one point we even had to move in with his parents. Luckily things have started looking up financially. But here is my biggest problem:

Although I love my husband (I really, really do) I feel more like his mother than his wife. He is plagued by Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I can't get him to seek medical help. He is always begging me to take showers with him, so I can wash his hair. He tends to wash it several times. He is morbidly obese and has problems cutting his toe nails, so I do that. I clean his ears. Make sure he has brushed his teeth. And the list goes on and on... When I married him, his mom told me I would hate her. She told me that she did everything for him. He lived with his parents until we married. He was 25. We even grew up together. His mom babysat me when I was little and we went all through school together. We never were friends, but we were nice to one another. We ran with different crowds. He never dated, except a girl in church. And that was just briefly. He never had been sexual with anyone until me. I found this to be rather nice considering that most guys will hump anything that will let them. So we dated and he won me over by being loyal, honest, religious, caring, and all around good guy. The only bad, bad, bad thing was that we have never been on the same level sexually. I have always been very passionate. But I have never complained, or said anything to hurt his feelings in anyway. But now, I feel like I am missing out on the intimacy I so desire. I have expressed this to him. He says he feels the same. Nothing has been changed. We have not had any kind of physical contact for almost 4 months. Not even making out, not kissing, and definitely no sex. Having expressed the way I feel time and time again, I am wanting to feel alive again. I have lost my self esteem. I feel that something is wrong with me. And now I am becoming resentful of him being more like my child than my husband.

Then there is this guy that is a cousin of a girl I work with. I think about him all the time. I told her I did. She told him. He has said the same thing about me. He and I have talked about both of our problems. He is just coming out of a bad marriage with two kids... And I told him about not being intimate for such a long period of time with my husband. We see each other almost every weekend. Only briefly, but I can't get him out of my head. I know it's probably just lust. But I actually feel arroused whenever he is around. I want him so bad. Just to kiss and touch. Even if it's nothing more than that.

Has anyone ever felt this way before? If so, what happened? Is it worth it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: jess_op_13
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:42am
Jess, most of us have felt this way at one time or another... Honey, you need to either fix the relationship with husband or get out (just my opinion). You are definitely not describing a marriage. But if you do the things for him that he asks, then you are enabling him to continue the behavior. And if he is morbidly obese, that is probably a huge piece of why the intimacy is so non-existent. Also, since you are his only partner, then he only knows what you've taught him. You may need to continue the teaching process, taking a more aggressive lead. That would be really really hard for me as I like the man to be the aggressor, but I do think that may be what you need to do. I would strongly urge you to fix the relationship with husband (or make a decision to end it) before pursuing anything else. I know you're lonely (been there). I know you're feeling less than womanly because of the lack of intimacy (been there too). And I especially know you would love some white knight to come around and sweep you off your feet (as you deserve) and make all the hurt go away. Unfortunately, we have to be our own white knight most of the time. Really decide if you love H or stay our of habit or fear of hurting him. It's time for him to grow up and be the man he is capable of. I don't mean to lecture, but having been in your shoes I can tell you that life is too short to waste. Don't live in a situation that is making you so unhappy. I don't advocate divorce by any means, but I am a big proponent of making yourself happy -- either by flight or fight. Good luck, Jess. Please come here any time to vent. We want to help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: jess_op_13
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:47pm
hi jess

just to sort of echo the previous post... if you can summon the strength, take the steps to go. If not, resolve it internally how to stay. But be careful starting the A. It complicates things a lot.

With similar but maybe less pronounced issues to yours, I was exhausted trying to heap affection on my wife. A few extra pounds hurt her self confidence, despite my only increasing attention. Add a fundamental difference in sexuality and passion and I ended up "accidentally" in an A. And now I have a mess.

If I could go back I would end the M first, immediately. Instead I layed out what I wanted to change and the conditions, but what I truly wanted was out and I didn't do it.

Maybe it's not worth ending a long term (if dependent) relationship just to get passion. Maybe it is. Only you know the values you assign to the elements of interaction.

Good luck. I hope you find happiness, be it in stillness or in motion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
In reply to: jess_op_13
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:02am
Ahh, the early stages of an affair. Yes, we have all felt this way before when you can't get him out of your mind. I've always thought the A is worth it but you should proceed with caution. It does complicate your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
In reply to: jess_op_13
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:00am
You are completely normal! You are emotionally hungry and a human who needs love and affection. BTDT However, if your husband is OCD hopefully he has a counselor? It is time that he starts talking about his issues in the relationship with someone. Someone OTHER than you. My immediate guess after reading your story is that he probably is very aware of his weight and feels unattractive to you. This will greatly impact his ability to be affectionate and sexual with you as he will feel greatly initmidated. Get to a counselor fast! You deserve to have your needs met and shouldn't feel guilty about it. Becoming involved with an affair will only add to that guilt in the long term.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
In reply to: jess_op_13
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:47am
From the bottom of my heart I want to thank all of you who posted a message on my post.

I have come to a decision. My husband has been out of town the past few days. When he comes home this weekend I plan to have a long a serious talk about my wants, needs and desires. I hope to reassure him that his weight is not an issue to me. I do love him and would like for him to be the husband I want, need and deserve. I neglected to express another issue that has me very confused and upset. He shows no interest in ever having children. He even gets angry with me when I mention it. I have always prioritized having a family with at least a couple of kids. My dream is to be a good wife and good mom. This will be another issue I will have to take up with him.

Again, thanks so much. Your words have really meant a lot to me.

Sincerely,

Jess