New to board - my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
New to board - my story
9
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:25pm
Hi, I've just discovered you're board and after reading some posts was compelled to write. I've been married 10 years this past month. Three kids, still young. My marriage has always pretty much lacked passion. Hubby is more of the 9-5, football on Sundays, golf on Saturdays type of guy. When we married I knew I was marrying more for his reliability/stability than my passion for him (which might have been a mistake). The last couple of years I've been lucky enough to stay at home raising the kids while he maintains the bulk of the income. I have got other interests like some work-at-home stuff, working out, kids are still the bulk of my time. During the past 5 mos I've met a guy during my work on-line. We've never met in person tho, and although we'd both like to, we're both in marriages and feel its just not right. The OM (other man, right? still trying to get the slang down), is really really great. We've shared insight on how the spouse might feel in certain situations to hopefully resolve each others marital issues. We also love the same books, movies, music, etc. The OM seems to keep me going where otherwise I would be lost in loneliness and domesticity. B/c of the kids and my inner loyalty and devotion to the commitment I made to my husband (and what feels like his family), its impossible for me to consider ever leaving my marriage. So, I guess I'm just looking on feedback for my relationship with this OM. I think about him a good bit of the day and do daydream of perhaps meeting some time. I also am very aware of the dangers of meeting people on-line and that I've created a persona out of text which is probably way different from the real thing (also why I've not ventured out to meeting). Is it not a good thing tho to find friendship in a guy such as this outside my marriage? Thanks for reading.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:04pm
hi wowyn04. I'm not going to pretend to know you're situation but it sounds just like my sister. She feels she should sacrifice her happiness in order to keep stability for her kids. That is her opinion and I support her in her choice. Please don't think that I'm implying that you are sacrificing yourself, I'm don't mean that. My advice is to take the things that make you happiest about OM and talk with H. Have you considered M counseling? Might be able to make a few changes at home and reconnect with H. There is nothing wrong with having friends to confide it, more support you can get the better. Be careful and good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:41pm
I think there is nothing wrong with having a male friend outside of your marriage. (which sounds exactly like mine! Nice but never really any passion- Oh and I AM the majore bread winner!) Anyhow- be careful if you do decide to meet him. Your curiousity will ge the best of you one day and you will set up a lunch date, etc...

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:13pm
Thanks tons for the posts. I'm kind of thinking along the same lines, that I'm sacrificing happiness. This might be a whole other topic, and I know in a public forum like this I risk getting spammed, but here goes: say, curiousity does get the better of me and MM & I meet. I'm thinking at that point it is sort of considered an A, b/c I'd NEVER tell H about it and also b/c of the possiblities of what such a meeting might lead to. Here's my personal quandry tho. Personally, inwardly, I'm deeply religious (not in an evangelical sense, its always just been a part of me). I just don't thing God would want you to continue a life that's unhappy. And yet, I feel the only thing that would validate my straying is if H strays (which at this point is highly unlikely). Also, b/c I have kids, is it completely unreasonable/dishonorable to consider an A? I was completely depressed before MM entered my life. H and I have had conseling before and it just hasn't worked and as I said in the earlier post, we never had any passion before, so is it wrong of me to want it now in an A?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:36pm
Honey... if you are looking for religion to validate your affair, I'm afraid the answer you want isn't there. The scriptures, of course, are open to interpretation; however, the fact of the matter is the Apostle Paul says that you may leave your husband if he is unfaithful. However, everything that follows seems to indicate that the expectation is that you will not marry (or fornicate) with another. It clearly states that if you do, you will be causing another to commit adultry. Okay -- that's the religious answer. But there is a difference between religion and spirituality. I am totally in agreement that God wants us to be happy. He is faithful and loving and created us to have wants and desires (sexual and otherwise). But if you are trying to justify having an affair, I don't think it's going to fly. Fact of the matter is, we are all probably not in God's will. Having said that, however, I do believe that He created us with faults, understands our weakness, and still covers us with His grace. I, for one, need to at least acknowledge that I'm in the wrong, ask the Lord to forgive me though I continue in my path, and try to be the best person I can be in every other way.

Spirituality and a relationship with God is very personal. I can only offer this insight based on my personal experience, but I hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 1:32pm
Your post struck me because our situations are very similar. I've been married nearly 10 years to a very good man whose main flaws are that he isn't very passionate and he isn't around very often. About 10 months ago I met a MM online (I'll call him MF). MF and I started out emailing and chatting, then progressed to phone calls and eventually we met (although only a couple times because we live far away from each other). Like you I allowed the relationship to develop because he was just a friend. But over time (although more quickly than I would ever have expected) we became very close and eventually developed intense feelings for one another. Like you I consider myself to be a religious person and I struggled with my feelings for MF vs. my commitment to DH. I very much wanted to believe that I could have both in my life and, since my relationship with MF is NOT physcial, that it would be OK. Unfortunately, an emotional affair is still an affair and people can still get hurt by it. (You can read my posts for details on what happened when MF's W found some of our email.) My advice to you is to think long and hard about the possible consequences of your actions. If you are comfortable with what you are getting in to, then follow your heart, but be super careful about it. While I regret very much the hurt that has been caused to my H and his W, I can't say that I regret my R with MF. He means a great deal to me and my life has been enriched by him.

Good luck to you!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 5:51pm
Being at home with little kids all day is so much harder than anyone realizes. With only one income, life is a little tighter and more boring. (No extra money to spend on fun) So hardworking hubby goes to work, is tired, doesn't pay attention to us like we need and we become lonely. I used to feel like a princess in an ivory tower waiting for someone to rescue me. I became vulnerable to the attentions of OM.



Finally, someone to see the "real" me, you know, the "together me" that I showed him. He had his version of Mr. Wonderful to show me and together we entered into intense Fantasyland. We were together 15 months and it ended abruptly when my sister called my husband at work and told him I was having an affair. I am still very angry about this, in fact to this day we barely speak. Because we have four small children, she felt obligated to do something, but I will NEVER forget my husband's face when he confronted me. It was awful beyond words.

My husband took me back, amazing of all amazings, considering I told him I was "in love" with this creep who had another relationship beside mine. In fact at one point he was seeing three of us married women, one who lost her family because of him. All of us are educated women, uppermiddle class and yet somehow he managed to con us. Some men love to be with married women because they don't have to pay the freight (kids, mortgage, bills ect.) Being with a married woman also gives them time to see other women. I am new to this forum and am heartbroken at how completly gullible we women are in matters of the heart.

My husband and I are in recovery from this horrible emotional rollercoaster I put us on. He found a website that probably saved our marriage that explained the ten needs that all people have. If a wife/GF has conversation for instance as one of her top needs, but her partner has it as one of his bottom needs, there will be problems. Please visit this site, it may save your marriage and family from the heartbreak mine had to go through. I wouldn't wish the hell we went through on anyone! http//www.marriagebuilders.com I wish you the very best, no matter what you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:09pm
Hi. I am new here. I haven't "done" anything but have a mad crush on my professor. Its been about 6 months now. I thought I was happily married until I met him. Then between the looks like we were the only two people on the planet and the energy that filled my body when his knee touched mine I thought I was in love. We are both in our 40's. I am married and he is recently divorced. It got so bad that I couldn't sleep and had to get pills. I don't even know what he thinks of me but I have it real bad.

The thing is I never really had sexual chemistry with my husband. We have been married for about 13 years. We get along and companionship is the main thing. But now I can't seem to get this other person out of my mind. I was emailing him alot with school stuff and lately he's not returning my emails. But I make him laugh and he made a comment that my husband must have had a blast going out with me. When I asked him why he said that he said because you are easy and gullible - he was teasing me about homework at the time. I didn't like the comment. I want to stop wanting him. I suffer terribly.

Just needed to tell someone. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:37pm

Hi eowyn and welcome aboard,


I guess your situation is similar in ways to mine... however DH and I once had a very good sexual relationship... couldn't keep our hands off one another most of the time... but somehow... somewhere... this changed for DH.


I found that he was no longer attracted to me as he once was... and I feel this very much happened over the time that we began trying for our first child... I had health problems and required a little help getting pregnant... and as hard as I tried... it felt that we were only have sexing to make a baby.


Finally falling pregnant... and getting our much wanted child... things went down hill quickly... being at home... I found that I craved attention... or conversation and would chat to anyone... just having my baby with me seemed to allow me to open up to people more... where once I would sit back and let people talk to me... no more! I found I was the one making conversations with people in elevators.


Allow DH and I were still physical... there was just something missing... and one day... I said stuff it! hoped online to see where it would go.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:55am


Gosh you all do not know how much your words of adivce/past experiences mean to me. Thank you so so much for sharing. You're absolutely right, Saturday, I hadn't realized I was seeking religious validation and which I know I'll never get. This really puts things in perspective about being cautious of where the relationship will lead and to seek forgiveness in things I feel I am not strong enough to prevent. Thank you tons goingbonkers for your shared story - it totally sounds like my current situation, although we've stopped the phone calls and only e-mail, I just feel happier having him at least in my life on that level, and I'm very consciensous of being super careful. Mink, I will check out that website, you hit the nail on the head with being at home and lonely. And Sweet, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to share your story, your absolutely right about needing the enrichment and I'm so relieved to not be alone.

Hugs and best wishes!! I'm so glad to have found this board!