I have made such a mess!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
I have made such a mess!!!
2
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:50pm
I have made such a mess of my life, I've been involved with this man for 4 years out of the 9 years I've been married. We both love each other but, can't bear the thought of tearing apart the families we have at home. I know if we get caught thats worse but, I can't stand the thought of losing my relationship with my guy either. My husband is good to me and I can't really pinpoint what's missing all I know is it's not getting better and I don't work full time and don't have the money to support myself and my kids. I know the simple thing to do is end my affair but, I don't think emotionally I can handle it I lean on it when things are bad at home. Please someone tell me how to deal- I hear all kinds of things from my friends, I'm beginning to think I'm hell bent on self distruction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:17am
I'm probably not the best one to respond to this as I find myself in the same exact situation as yourself. The recommendations from everybody to me were to "distance myself from the OM until I figure out exactly what it is that I am wanting." I read Dr. Laura's book "Twelve Stupid Things Women Do To Screw Up Their Lives" and in there was an explanation of something that sort of pertained to me, or at least I could recognize the meaning based on my situation. I find myself blaming my husband for my unhappiness. Yet like you I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm unhappy about. I find myself saying that I look forward to nothing, we don't do anything, we don't go anywhere. The book made me try to answer the questions of "What is it exactly that I am not getting to do? Where is it that I want to be going?" Heck I have no answers to those questions. The book pointed out to me that I have the problem (one I've made up) and I'm directing the blame at my husband. It goes on to further indicate that if I did indeed end my relationship with my husband based on this unhappiness .... that I will actually be taking that unhappiness with me to the next relationship because I am unable to answer those questions. I'll still carry the fact that I do not know what it is that I am wanting.

I realize my response was absolutely no help at all but I guess what everybody has been saying to me is that I need to make some decisions. We need to dig deep down and figure out what the heck it is that will make us happy, take the necessary steps to make that happen and stick to it. The act of making a decision can bring us some relief.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:09am
I'm dealing with the same situation too! And it is soooooooo hard!!! sadderthanever - your name describes EXACTLY how I feel. EXACTLY! I love MF (what I call my MM) and he loves me. We are best friends. We are way beyond best friends. But even though we care deeply for each other, neither of us want to break up our families. Unfortunately, his W found some email recently and (understandably) freaked out. She insisted on talking with DH so I had to try to explain things to him. As a result MF and I are both being forced to do a lot of thinking about where we are in life and what we want.

I love my DH. I do. And to be fair to him and to myself I have to give DH a chance. I have to give our M a chance. I need to put some real effort into it. And I'm trying. But DH isn't around very much which, I've discovered, is one of the big problems in my M. So it's a struggle. But I have to do it because otherwise I'll never know what decision to make, never know how to be happy. At the same time, my feelings for MF are still there. They aren't going to disappear or evaporate. I've got to deal with them. And to be honest, I WANT him in my life. I do. Rightly or wrongly, there it is.

So what I'm trying to say in my rambling, roundabout way is I agree with you dementedelf. We have to figure out what is wrong and see if it can be fixed before we can really do anything with our lives. We have to resolve the issues that brought us to our current situation. Easier said than done, of course. :o(

Best of luck and many hugs to both of you. At least we know we aren't alone in our struggles.