in desperate need of advice..may be long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
in desperate need of advice..may be long
6
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:48pm
Hello all, I'm new hear...I am in need of advice badly....I have been seeing someone from my past now for 3 years...and I love him, he loves me, the feelings from longggg ago never went away for either of us.

I'm going to try to explain this as best as I can without writing a book...

He is the father of my dd..

Relationship then 4 yrs.

Yes om is married I am seperated for 8 months.

Ok here we go...around a yr ago om's w got into his phone found a message i had left for him so we had to cool of for a bit (5 months).

Then for a long time things we well, until 5 or 6 months ago.

Me and h, got into a big arguement and he quoted something that had been said, and it stuck with me...said I had a b.f. and he would pay my way and i would be fine...

Then couple days later I go on a long trip (job) and om's w gets a phone call, telling her to keep an eye on h.

I have noticed every time me and h gets into it om gets bad news..this has happened 5 times.

he has been told that she was told my name, and my car,and that he was being stalked. 2 wks ago said he got a letter thru mail....i am watching you....and now fri, got a fax at his place of work...all he would say is that he was being watched and hell was gonna be fun...wouldnt tell me anymore said alot of threats.

Before we hung up he said if i didnt see him in couple of days then always remember i am in his heart and he loves me and think of him...i am worried to death and i feel helpless, what do i do. I'll admit sometimes I have a doubt or two, thinkin he may be getting more attached than he wants cause he does tell me i am, and when i said he was he said yes...could he be nicely letting go of me...i know im grasping at straws but the last thing i want is anyone hurt, i dont want his w hurt, and sure dont want him hurt or hurting.

I know this letter prob. dont make sense, my nerves are all over the place...

Could it be my h, or best friend or an old friend helping someone else....

I even wondered if it could be his w, just scaring him enough to keep him at bay when we were on phone she came looking for him.

I apologize for rambling....will appreciate all the help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 8:14am
If he is the father of your DD, is he paying child support? If not, why isin't he? Surely, his wife would know who you are if she knows he fathered a child with another woman, right? If she doesn't why doesn't she? Surely your husband should know your DD is from a previous relationship, if not why doesn't he? He thinks he's being stalked? If it isin't by a private investigator hired to do a job, and just someone wanting to harrass him/you, then that is harrassment. If either of you are threatened, then take it to the POLICE, and let the chips fall where they may. Let the authorities handle it. As far as your H and his W, well, you stated you were separated, right? And your OM HAS an obligation to pay support for your DD, unless your H legally adopted your DD. Why didn't your OM marry YOU? When he fathered your child? Just wondering.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:48pm
My DD is 19, he has givin me more than enough as far as money.

No his W doesn't know...as far as I know...and we want it kept that way.

He was married at the time, and had two young children, I disappeared to protect my DD and him.

Yes, my H knows, that is when alot of our troubles started...he can't handle the truth of her paternity...I don't know why.

The phone call that came to his W about a month ago...told her... my name...my car...that I was from his past and it was a special relationship between he and I, she was told he was being stalked.

He didn't marry me because he was already married, he took good care of us tho' and we want to keep what we have private so how could we/he let the police handle it...where we live is a small town everybody knows everybody and everything going on.

I can't help but wonder if all this is coming from his wife, as a scare tactic, she don't want him to cheat what wife does...so why not put some fear in him to keep him near...he is a very nervous person at times.

How could I dig for info. myself w/out anyone suspecting what I'm looking for....there is no way these peeps could have proof of us together we are not in sight on our visits...it just really upsets me of how someone could do all this at suspicions alone.

I just need some ideas on what to do or how to handle all this, he said he got threats and if I did SEE him in a couple of days to always know he loves me and in his thoughts. I'm so worried right now I dont know where to turn...this is something you cant talk to just anybody about and if I can't let this out I will go nuts, my nerves are shot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 9:14pm
Ok, let me ask you this, Does your daughter know him? Has he seen her? Seriously, it could be your own daughter. For the longest time, my father didn't think I was his daughter, because my mom got angry with him, told him she went out with a neighbor guy, who was also married, Well, I was my father's daughter, but suspicions remained for quite sometime, including the neighbor's wife gawking at me, the son, beating up on me, he was about 1 year older than myself.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe your own daughter resents the fact she can't have a normal relationship with her natural father. Especially, if your husband her step-father can't accept her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 5:09pm
Yes, she knows him. I told her when she was 16...I took her to meet him and they have a relationship now. All parties understand the circumstances of why she hadn't met him before.

I met with MM this morn. He wants to keep things with me and DD as they are, he doesn't and isn't going to turn his back on either one of us, he is a good man with a big kind heart, he never sees bad in people he sees the good that is there. He says he loves us and doesn't want to lose us again. I know I will never have him for mine, but the time we can share with him is the most important, love has no time, I know people think I should be getting childsupport and all this but when it comes to he and I and my DD feels the same...we don't care about the money, the time we have and love we can share with each other is the most important thing.

About the threats and letters he has gotten, we will just take it day by day, it will eventually come out and we will know who is doing this I just hope it isn't too late.

One threat he did tell me .... was "If he didn't straighten up, he would die." This scares me so, I don't know what to do. I know we should prob. stop seeing each other, and I did bring that up to him...but this morn he told me he never wanted to say good bye and we never would...he wants me in his life 'til he is gone.

Why is love so hard.

I know I don't make much sense, my nerves are shot, and have noone to turn to with this, when in an A, you cant just talk to anybody, Thank you for responding to my posts, I normally dont get any.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 6:25pm
That is a very serious threat, serious enough to be very concerned. I think you have no other option than to take that to the authorities. By saying "If he doesn't straighten up he will die" THAT is a SERIOUS THREAT! I think something needs to be done, you don't make death threats against someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:41am
I agree 100%--and I feel so useless right now, there is nothing I can do, he got rid of the paper he is so scared right now, he would never show it or admit it but you can tell when you look into someones eyes. I don't want to end our relationship but I feel we must stop, for a while at least and see if the threats stop...it could be linked to me, and it could not and how to find out I'm still working on. He finally told me just how much he cares and loves me, he doesn't want us to ever end, he knows forever most likely is too much to ask, but I love him so and if something were to happen to him I don't know what I would do, he's a good man and deserves so much more in life.

Thanks for letting me talk about this i am literally "going in circles" here.