New to Board - Rather Long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
New to Board - Rather Long
3
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 3:45pm
I am single (never married) and about 4 months ago got involved with a mm I worked with at a surgery center where I was an RN and he was an anesthesiologist. He is 10 years older than me, has been married for 24 years and has 2 adopted kids ages 12 and 10. I knew before we even got involved that his marriage had been bad for several years. Right from the beginning, things moved very quickly...after only a couple of weeks he was telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. It took me a little longer to get to that point, but I'm definitely there.

About 6 weeks ago, his anesthesia group took over all the anesthesia services at one of the hospitals here. At his insistance, I went to work directly with his group as their coordinator. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. Now, I'm not so sure.

Over the past several weeks, I have found it increasingly harder to deal with the fact that he is married. This has in turn led to several fights. He is telling me that he loves me and not her and that he wants to be with me, yet he has done nothing to make that happen. At the same time, he hasn't been exactly careful and at times I wonder if he doesn't want to get caught. I even had a pregnancy scare this week, and he was totally calm about it.

One of the biggest reasons he claims has stopped him from doing anything is the kids. Being a child of divorce myself, I told him that if he thought he was doing them any favors by staying in a bad marriage for their sake, he was sadly mistaken. He said he needs more time to know that leaving his 24-year marriage is the right thing to do. I realize that 4 months versus 24 years is a huge difference. But I am to the point where I just can't deal with it any longer. It is starting to make me physically ill, and emotionally I'm a basketcase. Today is particularly hard because they all left for vacation for the kids' spring break. Needless to say, I was very upset about it. He tried to assure me that his feelings for me had not changed in any way and that this vacation was about the kids not his wife, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I just think it is so unfair that she is going on the vacation, and I am staying behind any running his practice. After everything I've done, I'm the one that deserves the vacation.

So now I'm to the point where I feel like I have to give him an ultimatum. I wish I could give him more time, but for my own health and sanity, I just can't. Unfortunately, if he does choose to stay with his wife, I will also be forced to leave my job, as there is no way I will be able to see him on a daily basis if we're not together. While I will not feel one bit bad for leaving him in the lurch, I will feel bad about letting down his partners and the other physicians.

I apologize if this story is somewhat disjointed, but I'm having a very hard time concentrating. Am I being unreasonable? Any advice??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 9:49pm
I read your post and immediately sympathized with you. Not because I have ever been in your situation, but because had I not realized I wanted out of my marriage, I could have put my OW in that situation. I like to think I would have been strong enough to walk away, but my love for her and our connection are so strong that I'm not sure I could have stayed away. In fact, at one point I did cut off contact with her to try to focus on my M and work through our problems. But counseling only helped me realize the problems I have in my M are very real and aren't fixable. And shortly after that, we reestablished contact.

I guess based on your situation I would say you have every right to tell him how you feel and explain that if he isn't serious about leaving his M, you need to know so you can move on. You clearly don't want to be the OW and it isn't fair of him to expect you to be. He was the one telling you he loved you early in the R and yet he is still on the fence. Now don't get me wrong, as someone leaving a M with children involved, I know how terrifying it is. The thought of not seeing my son everyday is enough to make me break down and cry. But ultimately I know that staying here would be unfair to me, my W and even my son. So I'm being strong and doing what I know to be right. But don't think it won't be excruciating for him if he does decide to leave. I honestly don't know how I'm doing it and I haven't even left yet. But you are not married. You are single and you have every right to live your life. I wouldn't give him any kind of date you expect him to move out by, but tell him you need him to be honest with you and you need to see signs that he is putting things in motion. If he can't do that, then unfortunately you will have to move on. It sounds to me like you should have no problems finding another job as you sound like a very competent and skilled person. Just be strong and do what you feel is right. Ultimately that's all any of us can do. And good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 6:25am
It's only been 4 months, why the rush? If this were a regular dating relationship would you be giving ultimatums for a long-term commitment after only 4 months? I don't think so. The man has been married for 24 years - he has a lot to reconcile within his own mind in making a decision to end his marriage - and it won't happen over night.

Are you truly prepared to accept the consequences of an ultimatum if he decides not to acquess to your demands to end his marriage on you command and your time-frame?

You say you're single and never been married, and he's 10 years your senior and married 24 years - so, I'm guessing you're no spring chicken. So why the rush to commitment with someone you've only been in a relationship with for 4 months? Are you sure you really know this person well enough for that? Why not give it some more time and enjoy the relationship for what it is today - and see where it leads tomorrow.

I'm sorry, but if someone gave me an ultimatum after only 4 months, then they'd be sorely disappointed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 8:04am
I appreciate both of your responses to me. I am so glad that I found this board, as none of my friends have ever been in this position. To answer the question about age, I am 36 and he is 46. And you're definitely right...had this been a normal relationship where both of us are single, I certainly wouldn't be handing out any ultimatums at this point. But this isn't a normal relationship and having never been in an EMA before, I'm not quite sure what the rules are. I just know that there are times when I just feel like I am being eaten up inside, i.e., weekends, holidays, this vacation. I guess I'm not cut out for this kind of life.

I wish I didn't love him so much because I know I would be able to walk away. Believe me, I know that it isn't fair to expect him to leave a 24-year marrriage after only 4 months with me. But I just don't know how much longer I can live this way. I do like Omahamm's suggestion of an open-ended timeframe. I just don't know what kind of movement on his part would be enough to get me through this. I think the fact that I am getting to a point in my life where I want to settle down is the reason why I feel rushed. I have had a great time up to this point being single, but it's not what I want any more. I'm sure that's why I have solely dated guys who were 10-13 years my junior for the past few years...I wasn't ready for a committed relationship. But I finally am to that point. And if he can't give me the kind of relationship I need, then I need to find someone who can.