Is anyone else "happy" with their H?
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| Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:54am |
I have wonderful husband. Handsome, sexy, succesful, charismatic, charming -- worships me and the ground I walk on. Great father to our two beautiful children. He absolutely adores me. Our sex life is satisfying, too much so if anything, H can't keep his hands off me for the most part.
But...He works alot. Travels alot. There is a subtle underlying superior attitude and thus discreet criticism in a lot of the things he says...but not like there is anything "wrong" with my marriage. It is better than most.
Maybe it was turning 36 (somehow so much harder than 35), maybe it is that he travels so much and I feel stranded and isolated because of it but here I am obsessing over a 29 year old sexy young man. We have spent one night together (that was out of this world amazing)and I am hoping that there will be more. I feel like I am acting this way because I just so needed and wanted to be SELFISH for a change. Everything I do and everything I am is about my family -- wife, mother, mini-van driving suburban soccer mom.
So many of the postings and stories I have read here describe bad marriage. Are there others out there who really are in good relationships but have for one reason or another decided that you needed more (have your cake and eat it too...). That is how I feel. I would never ever ever dream of leaving my husband. If he ever found out it would be the end of the world. But I just want something different, new, fun, exciting in my life. Something that is entirely about ME and no one else.
I would love to hear from others out there. I need help trying to gain some perspective on what I am doing...thanks.

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PG
THEN I met MM. He started out as just another guy friend. But we have TONS in common and we really enjoy each other's company. The feelings grew from there. And I came to realize how LONELY I had been, and not only did I love MM, but I LOVED having a relationship with someone who actually wanted to spend time with me.
So now I've got two men in my life who I love. MM and I have been forced to cut back our relationship because his W found some email and I was forced to tell DH some of what had been going on (he knew about my friendship with MM - just didn't know how strong my feelings were). I'm trying to give DH another chance to put me higher on his list of priorities. We'll see what happens. I want our M to be strong again. But at the same time, I don't see myself ever not loving MM. It is definitely a tough situation.
GB2
Take care.
v.
The closest I can come to a reason is that I have also recently turned 36 and we have been together half our lives. He's the only man I've ever had sex with (although I did some heavy petting with a couple of guys before him). I wonder if it's the intrigue and excitement of being physical with someone new who genuinely cares about me, who only sees the good in me and doesn't have any expectations.
My OM and I are not in love (he's married as well) and neither of us want to leave our spouses. We ARE very good friends and truly enjoy each other emotionally as well as physically. I've put the brakes on it for now but as "guiltybutdesire" said, we only live once. Will I regret it if I don't pursue it?
I think that the thing that keeps me from jumping in with both feet is that I would be devastated if my husband found out. I would literally cut off my right arm before I would hurt him. And, weirdly enough, I still think of having an affair as wrong. But when I'm with my OM, I can't think of anything but how much I enjoy being with him. ARRGGHH! I'm so confused!
What that says to me is he is perhaps condescending which would cause you to feel inferior at times. And that can be very damaging to your self-esteem. Then you get your self-esteem built back up by the OM. Maybe I'm way off on this, but I've always believed that people don't have A's unless there is something wrong in their M. Maybe it isn't a huge problem, but a problem nonetheless. I guess I just hope you will stop this A while you still can and get your H to work on your issues with you. I know that would be extremely difficult, but well worth it. Take it from someone who started out in purely physical A's but then realized that I was seeking more than just sex. What was lacking in my M is now what is ending it. I'm not saying your problems can't be resolved, hopefully they can. But it is a mistake to assume nothing is wrong and just continue in this A because things will only get more complicated.
If you want to be selfish, go out and buy yourself something you never would. Take a vacation by yourself. There are lots of ways to be selfish without having an A. I know you'll take my advice or leave it. But you seem like a genuinely considerate person. Please proceed with caution. And ask yourself this question: How would you feel if you found out your H was having an A? Would it matter if he never planned on leaving you? Would it matter that he just felt he deserved to do something just for him?
Something to think about.
Yes this is definately making me look at my marriage in a different light. I never would have dreamed myself capable of being unfaithful. H would be destroyed if he ever knew. Obviously I am not getting everything that I need. And this A didn't just happen -- I made it happen. I met him, flirted, couldn't get him out of my mind. Contacted him and pursued him, very aggressively. Most of our communications have been through text mail, and the annonymity of it has made me behave more aggressively than I ever have with another man.
The game of it is so exciting, so different. And new sex is quite different than married sex (again, albiet good but it's been 14 years since we met...).
I am trying to find something for myself other than this 29 year old man --- I have been going to a dance class (long ago I was a dancer) after many years of not dancing at all. Even caving in and hiring a babysitter so that I could go and do something for me. It is a step in the right direction -- but in the mean time I just crave OM...
I think for me it had a little to do with the fact that H is the only man I had ever been with prior to this, and I have always been curious as to what it would be like with someone else. Also, I was raise in a pretty strict environment (couldn't even date until 18 yoa!) and went straight from being a daughter to a wife to a mother, which all have "rules". And as comfortable and secure as my M is, I wouldn't call it passionate. He is my best friend and the person I will be with forever, but it never was a crazy, passionate thing for me (was and still is for H).
Many times I have looked at this thing and keep coming back to the fact that I do it because I want to, plain and simple, and for no other reason. Purely selfish, and pretty risky considering all I could lose. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think that this FWB thing will most likely run its course and that will be the end of it.....but for now this is where I am. It is nice to know others are in a similar boat!
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