question for those who've left the M...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
question for those who've left the M...
6
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:12am
My best friend was married this weekend to a truly wonderful girl. I was best man with lots to do and it was a very busy weekend. My W... well, in the interest of jumping to my question, let's just say she was a difficult person to deal with on lots of levels. We don't spend so much time so close any more, and we were really pretty tightly strung the whole time...

I want to leave, but I'm really having trouble putting what I want first. It's especially hard since it's becoming more obvious (through my actions and my words) that a reconciliaton isn't likely, and this realization is starting to make my W melt down.

I'm really worried about her. Work stress is at an all time high for her. Relationship stress seems to be finishing her off. I feel really guilty about this, but it's also well past time that I move on to my life with my Soul Mate who has been extremely patient and understanding.

Any suggestions or experiences I can draw on here? This board has really been a blessing the last two weeks as I've tried to learn more about myself... so I'm asking for help from the folks here. I really want to be the exception to the rule and make the move to the relationship that has been so amazing, generous and fulfilling.

Is there any "right way" to do this, to tell her I'm moving out? I won't tell her about the OW, I'll move out to my own place for now. Am I being hopelessly naive to think I can leave her and still be there for her? If she had a big support network this would be easier, but it's sort of just me...

thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 6:44am
Its every spouse's right to be loved completely and passionately and not cheated upon and if you can not bring yourself to do that (ever)and no reconciliation effort works and you don't think that its a personal crisis affecting your thoughts, she deserves to be with somebody else and so do you. She will get hurt but as long as you make her understand that its not that there is something wrong with her but just that you are two different people and she needs to have someone who could appreciate her good qualities and not dwell on the negatives and this step that you are taking is not something just for your own happiness but that you want to see her happy too and find a more appreciative spouse, the hurt part will be less.

I strongly believe that when you hurt somebody else, it comes back to you at some point or another. So make sure that you dont hurt her or dehumanise her or leave with any open voids or unanswered concerns. The cheating part will of course hurt her so I think its a good step that you are not telling her that when you leave.

IMHO

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 8:46am
raining...I'm in a similar situation. I've yet to leave my H, but I know that is what I need to do. I've been trying to talk myself into it for quite some time. Even before I had a physical relationship with my OM.

I know that he knows something is up. I can tell. He's so afraid to make me angry, and I hate to see him walking on eggshells like that. THAT'S NOT HOW MARRIAGE SHOULD BE!! I know how you feel. I care about my H. I truly do, and I hate the thought of hurting him, that's why I've continued in this relationship. And although, I do have OM, I'm a little afraid of being alone. I care about H, but I know there's more out there. I wonder if I should be so selfish as to try for more. I worry that since I know H loves me so darn much, if I'll ever find anyone like that again. See how selfish I am...LOL I'm trying as we speak to get up the courage to do what I know has to be done.

And I want to make sure that when I do leave, OM is not a part of it in any way. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I'll have to go NC with him for a few months while we are working out our divorce thing.

Raining, I don't know if what I just said is anything like your situation, since I rambled for a while, but I know what it's like not wanting to hurt your spouse. And I've heard a hundred times, that it'll hurt more later down the road. But it's so hard to do anyway...well I think I've said enough!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:18am
I did have to muster a whole lot of courage to leave as my marriage for most standards has been "perfect and happy" one. I am saying that because when you are an immigrant from French Cameroon your expectations are quite different from what is considered happy in American society, ie, happily in love with the spouse have a family and in your dream home making good money. You struggle to maintain the culture conflict, make yourself at home and learn to love/want with what you have got than wanting something else. You learn to love a whole lot of things that also love and learn...lol

In reality that's way life is, happiness is relative and so is a lot of other things like freedom and liberty, that is taken for granted here in this country. For me convincing myself its OK to be selfish was half the battle and the other half was try to convince friends and family that I was doing the right thing. Let me tell you if you came from my culture a lot of family will call you and let you know what in their mind.... LOL Plus there isn't a whole lot of people that have left their marriage (for good or bad reasons) so it is not a common thing that you get used to hearing from family and friends. A lot of friends who really have best in their hearts will try to convince you otherwise, telling you their stories of how its not really "perfect and wonderful" either.

There is no right way to do it, if it the end your heart will let you know and you will feel no guilt about leaving as you know you have done your very best to the best of your ability to save it and it did not succeed. I wish you the best in your endeavor.


Edited 3/22/2004 12:48 pm ET ET by opal_fire

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:13am
I'm also in a somewhat similar situation. Although mine is complicated by children. My W is a good person and not someone I would ever want to hurt. But we have different values, different goals and we just don't communicate well. But at the same time, we also never argue and work together well as parents.

The strength it has taken me to get to this point has been very difficult to muster. I honestly don't know how I'm doing it. And unfortunately, the worst is still ahead of me. I will be moving out sometime in the next few months and at that point I'll be living alone for the first time in my life. That is terrifying. And I'll be hurting someone I care about a great deal which goes against my nature. That is even more terrifying. And worst of all for me, I'll be apart from my son for basically the first time in his life. All of this makes me want to curl up in the corner and just hide. But I know that when I come out of that corner, the same problems will be awaiting me.

So I'm standing up to this and doing what I know to be right. I'm not a particularly strong person. But I'm learning to be strong. I would also recommend the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay". It's about resolving relationship ambivalence and it really helped me make a concrete decision. It didn't make the process any easier, but ultimately if you know you're doing the right thing for the right reasons, you'll find the strength.

Good luck to both of you and I hope you take positive steps, whatever those may be for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:47am
I am the other woman. And I just want to say that the NC thing is not fair for me either!

You can not move mountains with your love if you are not together. I understand the wanting to stand on your own when you finally end the marriage. But I had to stand alone when I left my marriage because my first affair dissapeared when he knew I was actually leaving . I was a mess. If you were in an abusive relationship you would know you had no choice but to leave. I had to leave for my own sanity.Self love,I could not turn back. And my ex-H never found out until after the divorce was final and he still blamed it on the affair! The affair had nothing to do with the split. It was a healing mechanism for me. Now I am in love with another married man. And this time he has been putting me in Nc.

I can't take this all again. If he wants me to continue to love and respect him he needs to bond with me at this time . I can't see where being separated from someone you love can be good!!! Not for any reason!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:35am
I understand how you feel. I actually am in contact with my OW again now and we are planning to build a R after I leave. It will be a slow build as she doesn't live here and won't for some time. So for now we talk on the phone and online. We try to talk every night. If we even miss a couple of nights, it does tend to let doubts seep in. I've said on another thread on here that whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder is a fraud. And I believe that.

I wish I could offer you some words of support xxx, but I think this is just what your MM needs to do to get through this. In some ways I admire him for having the strength to do this alone. But he is risking losing you too. I don't think I could do that. I hope you are able to stay strong xxx and focus on your life as you go through this terrible period. I really hope he comes around soon and is able to communicate with you.