Guilt: getting between MM and his W

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Guilt: getting between MM and his W
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Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:55pm
Okay, here's my situation. i am seperated for nine months heading toward divorce. No chance,no desire, to reconcile. MM has been in the picture the whole time, helping me through. MM: going through rough times with his marriage last may...we met, fell hard, i left my H, he talked about leaving his W, and decided to (long after i had made my decision to get out of a bad marriage -read- no regrets on my part for leaving M). In the fall he changes his mind, can't leave 20 year marriage. i totally understand although i am heartbroken. We stay together. We love each other. W has known about me almost the whole time.

After W hears he is leaving, W reconsiders her attitude and actions (apparently). She decides to fix things and basically does. He isn't 100% happy, but things are good again. Had he been feeling this way back in May, i woudln't even be in the picture IMHO. Now i can't say things are perfect, that they don't still have problems, they do, but not to the extent it was back then. W does NOT want him to leave, he has decided he isn't, and she basically doesn't push him about leaving me, cuz she's afriad he'll just go altogether if she does.

Now i told him a long time ago they needed to fix their money problems and talk some mroe and things would be better. Now he realizes i was right (why coudln't he realize that BEFORE he told me he would marry me?? GR.)

i digress. So today here we are. He loves me and wants to stay with me. We spend alot of time together (see each other almost every day, talk, chat, email every day, share everything basically). i am happy with our set up until i decide to date and stuff.

The problem is, i feel overwhelming guilt that if i weren't in the picture, they could be happy, like REALLY happy. i mean in some sick way i helped them find their way back to each other. i almost feel like my job is done. My purpose in the "big picture" has been fulfilled. i should wish him well and step back.

The problem with that is i love this man so very much that i cry as i type this. i am happy when i am with him. My little chats and emails and trists with him light up my days. i am working on building a new life... since the Divorce everything has changed. i lost soooo many of my old friends including my best girl friend. My ex isn't nice to me... i can't call him to ask him to look at the wash machine or anything like that. i have no contact with his family anymore. i am living and feeling alone for the first time ever and it's very hard for me.

i helped him through his time, and i feel like he wants to help me through mine. He says i shouldn't feel guilty, he spends time with me becuase he wants to, he drives to my house, none of which he HAS to do. He doesn't want to abandon me or lose me right now because he loves me.

Yet i feel like i am holding him and his wife back.

Do you have any advice? do you guys think i am nuts? Thanks for hearing me out. it's so complicated, almost impossible to put into words.

Thanks guys

jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:17pm
Jen,

Why do you feel that way? You are not holding him against his will or anything like that, you know. If he wants to go back to his wife he can do it himself, right? Why does it have to involve you stepping back? If you are however stressed out of handling the whole situation then its best to re-evaluate your position. If you are happy the way things are and mm does not want to leave why the guilt? I know its hard to deal with guilt, I have often felt guilty about OM & his gf breaking up, but he hasn't told me its because of us. Hope I made sense. :)


Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:36pm
My OM feels the same about me and H whenever I tell him about how girls from my country

are often in worse off situations compared to me. He feels the affair is what messing up my marriage, but he doesn't understand that his presence is what makes it all so bearable. I live to see his face m-f away from troubles and worries. If he is my soul mate how is him being in my life be so bad? He has taught me what it is to be loved, respected and cherish by a man - something none of the men in my life have done. All I can tell is that please don't over think the whole relationship just go with the flow. Be happy with what you have today and tomorrow will take care of itself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:31pm
Jen, btw whatever happened to your best friend? Don't dissapoint me by telling she left you once she knew about your affair. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:50pm
About two or three weeks ago, I had a very similar conversation with MM. I was ready to back out and let him work on his marriage. He made no bones about telling me that he didn't need me out of the picture so he could work on his marriage. He needed to spend time making sure that I know that I'm loved. (And he has.)

He doesn't talk often about his marriage. He tries to keep that part of his life separate from me. I know he's not always happy, but he's comfortable. He also made a commitment to her, and I truly believe that even if he finally decides to leave her, we will be responsible to help her from now on. I understand and respect that. He would do no less for me.

I suspect she knows far more than they're discussing. I know she knows about me. I also know that he's trying to lull her suspicions into something he can live with. I don't know how long that will work. She's a smart lady, and she's watching everything he does. (Which irritates the sh*t out of him.) We'll see.

Anyway, its his marriage. For better or worse, I am leaving that in his hands. If he leaves, it will be because he needs to leave.

And if I leave, it will be because its time to move on. We'll always be friends. He is my Querido, mi alma, mi vida...and that part of my life which he holds has been his for eternity. I carry him with me always. I just _know_.



Cazrida

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:55pm
Juliet, thank you, you are a wonderful friend to me here. No matter what i can always count on a kind word and support from you. How'd i get so lucky???

Opal........i NEVER thought of it that way, THANK YOU! While things may be "better" (as in he doesn't want to run off) it really dosen't mean that his W is fulfilling his every need, maybe my presence in his life is what helps him be in a better mood or to smile more :)

As far as my best friend.... my MM was dating her for ten days. That is how i met him. She got upset with him at one point and dumped him telilng him she had hooked up with an old flame who was her soulmate. We liked each other and thigns progressed. It caused some strain in our relationship but i never thought it was anything that couldn't be overcome (me and best friend). At one point though she just lost it, calling the police to my house with my then 3 yo daughter there. i couldn't get past the cop calling and nasty emails and we no longer talk.

~jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:04pm
Jen, you can count on me anytime. I can be your friend as your replacement for your best friend. Maybe in time I will be your best friend.... :)
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:09pm
hi Caz, we posted at the same time. Glad you are well. Yeah, i just _know_ too. This man will always have a place in my heart as the one i should have been with, it just wasn't meant to be in this life, not the right time or place i suppose. i will someday move on and remember all that he has taught me....how i *should* be treated, how i *deserve* to be loved. And you are right... whatever he and W have is seperate from what he and *i* have. You understand me well because we are in such similar circumstances. i wish you the best and if you ever need to talk you can count on me. Keep me posted on how it is going for you, i think of you often.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:26pm

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Edited 6/15/2009 12:27 pm ET by opal_fire
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:43pm
I just had to jump in here because I can relate to sooooo much of what you wrote. (Gee, I find myself typing that a lot lately. LOL!!!) Found out today that MM and his W are in counseling to figure out where things stand with their M. I love MM dearly and I want him to be happy. I want him to have a happy marriage if he can. And if not then I want him to do what he needs to do for himself. I've told him many times before that he should take time away from me to really focus on his M - that way if he still walks away from his M, at least he'll know he tried.

All that sounds great, doesn't it? BUT what I really thought when I found out about the counseling is OH NO! I'm going to lose him out of my life! - Either because he can't deal with me and the counseling or because his marriage will improve and he won't want me in his life any more. And then I thought, what kind of person am I? I certainly don't want him to end his marriage. I don't want to end mine either. So how could I have these thoughts?

What it comes down to is a fear of losing him from my life. I truly do love this man. I've never met anyone like him. What I have to remember is that if our love for each other is real, then we'll always be in each other's lives. And I don't mean in a physical way as our relationship is strictly emotional. If he needs to end our R then it wasn't meant to be and I'll say goodbye and leave his life gracefully. It will hurt like hell but I'll do it. He'd do the same for me.

Thanks for this thread. It really struck a chord with me today.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:04am
Hey guys,

Doesn't anybody think that they deserve to be the only woman in a mans life? I am in a similar situation, and I always say that its ok, that he loves me, that I am seperate from his other woman, but at times I feel so bad, and wish that I was the only one. Aren't we cheapening ourselves to let somebody do this to us?

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