I cheated - why don't I feel Bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
I cheated - why don't I feel Bad?
5
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:34pm
I am new to this but I need advise. I have been with a wonderful man for over a year now and plan to marry in 2006, but I have cheated on him and don't feel guilty. I am confused and I looking for advise.

My story goes like this - right before I moved in with him, I had a wonderful bonding with a very long time friend (over 10 years old) and we have kept in touch since then. My bf hasn't met him as of yet and refuses to do so. Besides that we have been going through Child Custody for his two children from an ex. My thing is that our relationship is totally on hold and I can't seem to get through to him how I feel.

I have tried everything from having a nice dinner to talk about where are relationship is to a full blown arguement to everything inbetween - but nothing seems to work. I have expressed my feelings of being an outcast at home, my longing to be romanced, the feeling of being appreciated but things don't change.

I gave up my apartment, friends, and my second job to become a part-time mom for his two children and then all of sudden - I don't recongize my life anymore. I don't have personal space, I don't see my friends like I used too - now all I have is a daily routine that seems lifeless to me and I feel like I am losing myself.

I can't say that I am proud of cheating but Z gives me the feeling of being wanted and romanced. He is always interested in knowing how I feel and what drives me in life - things that I should be sharing with my future husband.

Can anybody offer advise or suggestions? Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:24pm
DON'T MARRY YOUR BF!!!!!!!!! How's that for sound advice? LOL But seriously, if you are having these issues BEFORE you get married, it won't get better honey. It will only get worse. Evaluate your situation, and if this isn't what you want your life to be, then get out while it's lawyer free!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 4:07pm
Hi honey I am sorry for your situation. I also feel a bit trapped my H has a child he brought into our marriage and life has changed so much I feel the same way you do at times. You have to realize that if you do marry him those kids will be there forever and you will have to deal with that so take your time and really think about it and make sure you can deal with that situation for life, if not do not be mad at yourself you deserve happiness and a good life and sometimes the person we fall in love with is not the person we can share our every day life with. You must have more than love that is for sure so think long and hard and do not think that there is no one else out there cause honey there is and you need to be honest with him and yourself he will respect you more in the long run if you tell him how you feel and end it that way instead of feeling bad for him and going through with the marriage to only have problems with this stuff in the future. I feel for you it can be really hard I know but at least you are not married yet you have some options. Hope it works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 4:53pm
Thank you Kitty314 - I feel that I have to try all that I can to see if things can be worked out but I am near the of my rope. I know that having another man is not the right thing just for the fact that being in a relationship that is not fulfilling will get you know where.

I will think very long and hard about what you said and hope that in the end I will be able happy and in love .

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 5:11pm
Thank you Whattodo7 - I am glad that you can relate to me in some sense. I know how hard it can be to be in a relationship that involves children - this is my second. The first one was eight years long and only hurt came of it for all three of us (he had a child from his ex).

Although I my BF has two 8 and 10, most of the time, since they are living with us until we go to court, I have a handle on them. The problem is that the father (bf) is not father material. He provides very well for all of us. He tries to be a good father but lacks in the discpline area in that he tries to make up for the mother's lack of involvement with the children. And I have told myself not to get bend out of shape that they are not my kids but if they are going to live with us then I expect to run a sound household.

For the life of me, I can't imagine always coming home to the same routine. You are right, I have to see this in the long run. If I marry this man, his children will always be there - I was very aware of this from the beginning (learned that the first time around). Why do things always change? Why is that men expect women to be OK with the fact that after we are with them - they don't feel the need to romance us, make us feel special or worst of all think that intimacy is no longer important.

Do all relationship in the end became an old pair of shoes that we wear until one day we decide that we want a new pair to make us feel pretty, self-assure or even sexy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:27pm
Hi honey I am glad I was able to help a little. I have been with my H for 8 years married 4 and he has also forgotten that I need romance and need to feel special and loved and apprciated all the time that should never stop, but what do you do? I was able to get all that from my OM, he fills all that for me he is great. I have stopped seeing him now but he is calling me again and I am not sure what to do. I see hope in your story cause you are not married yet, that does not make it any easier it would still be hard if you decided to walk away. You make sure you are ok with what ever decision you make. I personally feel that you should end it and try to look for what you want and make sure you take your time in the future you know some men are very romantic and some are not that is the beauty of different people in the world you can find a man that is romantic and very loving now he may be messed up in a different way but he will make you feel like a million bucks. That is what I have learned through this whole ema, no one is perfect but you have to be able to deal with there bad side so to speak and we all have one. My OM is wonderful he makes me feel soooooooo good he talk to me like I am a queen, but he likes to hang out and party and is not really a home body. That would be a problem for me if we were to try and be together but he has so much other stuff that is great. oh well just please make sure you think on this one, but it sounds like you should move on. good luck.