Ultimatum??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Ultimatum??
16
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:05pm
Talked to OM yesterday. He made some comments that he thought would be funny...but came across to me very badly. Fast forward to today...I emailed him, letting him know that he hurt my feelings. Well he apologized, but it wasn't an apology, I mean he said the words, but the tone wasn't there you know. I'm hurting right now, and he said, We're in an Affair! I said, I know. He said, I'm not giving you an ultimatum by any means, but something's got to give. (Sounds to me like an ultimatum) He said he feels he's being treated unfairly in our relationship, and that H is also being treated unfairly. Said he wants to shout from the rooftops that he's found me, but can't tell anyone. Does he think I don't understand that???!!

Well, we had this same sort of conversation several weeks ago, and I told him that I do intend to leave H. But it will take time for me to build my courage. You all understand I'm sure...well I don't know what to do. I love OM. And I don't want him to have to be in this situation, and I also, don't want to be in this situation. I'm so torn up inside.

OM won't tell me he loves me, because he said he can't say it and then send me off to another man. But I know he knows that I love him. I know he's thinking, how can I love him, and go home to another man. I don't know what I'm asking for...but God why does it have to be like this...

I'm supposed to spend the day with him this Saturday, and after our conversation today, I'm feeling that he may not want to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:15pm
kitty, I make that mistake all the time, making some silly joke and getting my mouth in the foot. So,I am sympathising with your OM. I can be really silly sometimes, and maybe it hurts him its not intentional anyway. So, give him a break this time, OK?? For my sake.... allright???
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:31pm
yesterday, he basically called me a slut. I was soooooo shocked!!! I mean, never since I've known OM has he EVER referred to me in such a manner. He said, he was just joking, or something, and he apologized. But when he said it yesterday, it sure didn't sound like a joke. Anyways...this is what I wrote to him:

Well, I guess you are extremely busy today. So, I don't want to call you, but I do want to vent a little. Yesterday, your comments, no matter how truthful, hurt me very much. I know you never intend to do that. But throughout our friendship, you seem to forget that we didn't just jump into bed together. I was attracted to you, yes. I made it pretty clear, and we had great conversation, but I didn't just jump into bed with you. As a matter of fact, we didn't have "sex" even by your definition until nearly two years after we met, and 8 months after we even kissed the first time. It hurts me to know that you think I'm just easy. You of all people should know better. I've always considered myself more than just a lay to you, but after yesterday, I'm left wondering what you really think... OUCH!!!

So he apologized, and I believe him, but he is busy today, and we can't really talk. So help me not lose my mind. Love sucks doesn't it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:39pm
He called you a slut and you love him?? Yikes, what happened to your self esteem girl?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:43pm
Ok, juliet, you have to do that, don't you. You have to make me defend him!! Ok, Ok, You WIN!!!

He didn't say slut...he never used that word. We were talking on the phone about our R, and I said that hardest part about me seeing him is knowing what he must think of me, even though I've never done anything like this in my life. And he said, you expect me to disagree with you? Immediately I was pissed and told him I had to go. He was joking...but to me...it wasn't funny...

There are you happy, you made me defend him...ok...ok...I do love him..alright...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:45pm
But anyway, I feel like he handed me an ultimatum, and I don't know what to do with it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:48pm
Kitty,

I am not trying to score here, just point out things that have been said in the past on this board and elsewhere about how people in affairs don't have self esteem. If you think that nothing is wrong with him or you or your self esteem, then its fine. No need to apologize. I understand you perfectly.

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:49pm
I remember, not that long ago, I was in a really emotional mood for about a week. So I ended up sending my MM a very long email, laying it on the line. Then I wrote, the only reason I'm sharing this with you is because I want you to know me as a person, not just a slut!

Well, he ended up calling me, and he said, I know you're not a slut. I said, well, if I was your wife, and you knew what I was doing, I'm sure you'd be calling me one. His response was, yes, I guess I would, but if you were my wife and you knew what I was doing, you'd be calling me "pig".

So then, I had said to him, I apologize for laying all of this on you, I'm in a weird place right now. He told me to never apologize for being myself - it just shows him what I would expect out of him if we ever ended up "together" - he likes that.

So we kind of hashed things out. Every once in a while, we have to get our feelings out in the open. I mean, since we're the only ones that know about each other, who else are we going to talk to about it (other than here).

I think it's good to get the crap out - good or bad. Not only does it allow us to cleanse our minds, it is also a relationship builder, and it shows us what this OP might be like if the situation was different.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense, or even helping at all - but I hope so!

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:54pm
Yes, Red, that makes absolute perfect sense. That's probably where I am right now. I mean I've never had an affair before, and I'm just really sensitive to it right now. Because I'm getting closer and closer to leaving my H, and know that then I'll have a chance to work on a "real" relationship with OM. I don't want him to think that I do this sort of thing all the time. I don't even know if I am making any sense. I guess, I was looking for reassurance, and I didn't get any...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:56pm
Juliet, I honestly thought you posted that to make me defend him, to get me to see, that I was being an idiot...LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:56pm
A while ago I was in your man's shoes and it's not a fun place to be. You say you understand how he's feeling? - you don't, hon. What this man is going through I would not wish my worst enemy. Nothing can be compared with this feeling of being completely helpless watching a woman who is the world to you and who was in your arms just a minute ago getting ready to leave to go home to her husband. This totally insane, irrational feeling of being betrayed and rejected.

I don't think he is giving you an ultimatum per se. It sounds more like he has simply reached the end of his rope and is losing his self-control. I am sure he didn't mean half of what he said.

It's your marriage and the decision is yours to make and he knows it, and he can do nothing but wait, and we are lousy at waiting games. Don't be so hard on him. I most certainly understand where he is coming from.

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