what if it flops - response & thank you

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Registered: 03-19-2004
what if it flops - response & thank you
9
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:54pm
Thank you to all who answered my 'What if it flops' message the other day. I honestly agree and believe what each of you were saying...I think I had my mind made up anyway and just needed to hear it from someone else. Since I wrote that, things have happened. In the last month, my H has realized that he is losing/lost me and has 'tried'. We are going to counseling, and he is trying to be all lovey dovey. But, it almost makes me more angry. I think my heart is too hard - that its taken so much that I can't go back. I hurt because he is being geniune right now - I know that he wants to save this M, but I don't feel like I do. The problem is his on/off switch. For instance, Friday things were great. Sunday, I got 18 calls to my cell phone within 15 minutes and ten disgusting, hateful messages. I would go into them, but I don't even want you to have to hear what I heard. Then, apologizes, crying, sorries, "I know that I need to change", etc etc etc. Yes, I am glad to see him realizing that he has an issue with abuse and anger, but I can't honestly say that I trust that he will change. I've heard it all too many times before, even if this time may be more intense than before. I just feel bad because now I feel like he is trying to save this and I am just turning my back on him. Actually, I am. I love him, but am no longer in love with him. And, the idea of actually living my life for me is the only thing that makes me smile right now. Am I wrong for not even wanting to wait to see if he can/will change? How long do you wait? A year? A month? I've waited ten years and nothing is different, but maybe this time it will be? I'm confused, but I am clear on one thing. My OM makes me feel wonderful. I am so much happier when I am with him. He is on my mind constantly. And, I can see myself starting over so clearly...and it excites me...with or without my OM. Help me understand these back and forth feelings.... :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:36am
I know how you feel. My W has never been abusive, but she has always been distant. We never communicated or really shared any interests outside of our son. And unfortunately it took me finding someone else to realize just how much I had given up to fit in her life. When I told her I wanted out of our M, she broke down and told me she'd do anything to make it work. That she would change. I felt terrible and I did feel I owed her the opportunity to go to counseling and try. So I went NC with the OW and started marriage counseling. The counseling only reinforced what I already knew to be true though: that my connection with my W was gone (if it ever existed) and that I needed to leave. Of course my W still accuses me of not trying. She thinks I didn't give her enough time to change. I don't think any amount of time would have been enough for her to change to the level she would have needed to. But as I found out, I'm not sure it would have mattered. I believe I recommended a book to you awhile back. Well I'm going to type a question that really opened my eyes from it:

If all the problems between you and your partner were magically resolved today, would you still be ambivalent about staying or leaving?

If your answer is yes, then you should probably leave. I had never even realized that I would want to leave even if all our problems were solved until I read that question. It's like the problem isn't really that we don't communicate now, but that we never did so our bond isn't strong enough to withstand this. That sounds horrible after 11 years together and 8 years of marriage, but it is true.

I don't know what your answer to this question would be, but it's something to consider. If I were you though, I would at least go to counseling with your H. I thought going would help my W accept things. It didn't, but it did help me sort through my feelings and it has given me the strength and confidence in what I am doing. Good luck with everything and stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:11am
I totally agree with Omaha. I've been married for less than 5 years. And I know what it's like to totally lose yourself to be married to someone. For those who didn't know, my H was in a pastorate role, and I totally gave up ME to be the perfect wife for him. From the day we married, I knew that I had made a huge mistake.

H also knows that something is up. I can tell in the way he's been treating me...with kid gloves you know. Trying to be real delicate, and almost playing the poor little victim (why don't you want to have sex with me anymore...pout pout) Like a little kid. Sending me love emails and asking me daily "how much do you love me??"

I left H last July for a little while, and when I went to pick up the rest of my things, he broke down and told me he loved me and didn't want me to leave. I couldn't walk away after that. But after I asked for marriage counseling, he refused to go. I went by myself for a while. It's been 8 months, and things are pretty much the same. The hardest part for me, as is for Omaha, and sounds like you too, is knowing that your spouse really loves you, but the IT factor just isn't there. My spouse isn't abusive per se, but he's very controlling and manipulative. I could tell you a thousand stories, as I'm sure you could to.

I'm also at the point, where living for myself, while I'm still relatively young, is a hard thing for me to grasp a hold of. I know what I need to do. But divorce is a scary thing. I'm praying for you! As for a timeframe, that is to be determined by you. You'll know when you've tried enough...my mom always says, when enough is enough, you'll have the strength to leave. (that's what she tells me, right after, dump the loser...LOL)

I didn't even get physical with OM until after I left H the first time. Maybe I think I didn't try hard enough, that's why this is so rough for me. But I do know that there is never a time when I look at H, that I think, I love this man. NEVER. It's just sympathy for him. And at times, pure hatred for him. Wow!! sorry so long...thanks for the catharsis... ;o)

Follow...you aren't alone...I guess that's what I mean by all this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:26pm


I call this the "Pseudo Husband Facade."

To have your husband all of a sudden doting huge amounts of attention on you when you're not used to it is sometimes difficult to handle. My mother learned about my affair when I blurted it out to her one afternoon. Being a minister herself she listened intently and then she said "Any problem can be corrected except for indifference.....once you become indifferent toward a situation there is no repairing it." I have a quote on my profile somewhere that reads:

"Desire is half of life, Indifference is half of death."

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:34pm
Hey! This was on MSN homepage today and it caught my eye cause I recognized the good Dr's name as Omahamm's recommendation from previous posts:

http://women.msn.com/590374.armx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:43pm
Thanks for the link stars_and_angels. I have the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" also. What she says in her book makes a lot of sense.


Edited 3/24/2004 2:45 pm ET ET by opal_fire
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 2:38pm
I couldn't agree more!! Talk about some real eye openers for me- this book was incredibly therapuetic. I can't believe how much ambivalence I've been willing to put up with and seemingly simplistic questions... I'm terribly embarrassed to admit that I have been holding a relationship together for so many years and never even bothered to ask myself why?? The questions that really got me were whether or not I genuinely even LIKE my wife and outside of our children is there something we do together that we enjoy and makes us feel connected. I kept coming up empty on so many questions and just couldn't believe how obvious it all was that I shouldn't be in this marriage anymore. Unfortunately 1)guilt and 2)fear kept me in WAY longer than I should have put up with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 3:05pm
I agree I am one ambivalent person when it comes to describing my marriage. Its not abusive or bad like the article says but there is definitely something missing in it. Maybe it caring and interest of the other that is missing. Maybe if I were a little more selfish person, a taker, I could have changed my marriage for the better. But sadly, I am a giver and I have respect for finer things that don't come with my marriage. I am not talking about things that cost money by finer things just gestures that say I care. Plus the guilt of leaving even after I decided to leave was so great. I cannot tell you it is what that makes me a "weak" person, the fact that I will no longer be a prop/support for somebody who depends on me like a child for lot of things in his life. Its a hard place to be - at least for me.


Edited 3/24/2004 4:06 pm ET ET by opal_fire
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 3:32pm
Also, the part where Mira R says to look back to the honeymoon period and see anything good there. We never had a honeymoon period, except for the honeymoon itself as I came here to a new country as a wife to a stranger. I had to learn new thing about my husband and the new culture quickly. I worked to help us thru economical hard times and I appreciated (and still do) his fairness towards me wanting a career. Back then I didn't have kids like I do now. so my carrer is not so much important/high priority to me now then that time. We were two "lost souls" who were helping each other thick and thin through each others goals and probably that was one of the most enduring part of our honeymnoon period.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:15am
Thanks for everyone's comments - bad kitty and omaha especially. I am going to get that book and do some soul searching. We have been to three counseling sessions (one was separate) and I still feel the same. Maybe my heart is just too hardened, maybe I'm not trying, but all I know is that being on my own is all that I can think about right now. And giving this relationship with the OM a try is all that I can think about. I know that my mother is behind me - I asked her if she would be regardless of what I went through. She had similar issues with my Dad, so she understands the controlling and verbal abuse that I am taking. My best friend also supports me in whatever decision that I make. That makes me feel better. I have it on my mind that I will move away to get started again once I leave this marriage - just to get away from the town, the mutual friends/places/etc. The OM wants me to move away with him - not necessarily live together, but just go together to start a new life as individuals and see where it leads us together. I think about that every day and do nothing but smile. Talking to all of you has given me the confidence that I can do this, and although it will be hard, and although he will be hurt at first, it will be better for us both. I truely think he will find another woman that he can love and care for as much as me...I just hope that I am not wrong about that and that he doesn't get too devistated about this whole breakup. I just have to remind myself that doing it now is better than stringing him along and not being happy and leaving later when the stakes are much higher. I appreciate your prayers...I'll keep you posted.