frustration, venting and selfishness

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
frustration, venting and selfishness
9
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:48am
well, I guess I need to vent. Feel free to flame me, support me or ignore me. I kind of just have to vent and this is becoming my outlet. So here goes.

I want to leave my W. I'm working on that. We've had conversations about how this doesn't seem like it's going to work out, how my issues from last year still haven't seen much resolution if any. My happiness and well being isn't a priority. She is still fixated on work and relaxing from work. She's there until at least 7 every night, and more usually 8 or 9. Our M is on the verge of breaking up but she is waking up in the middle of the night with work thoughts. I feel bad for her, I really do.

Part of what's kept me from moving is guilt of course. And part of it is that her life besides me is kind of a mess. She has an incredibly stressful job with a lot of responsibility and she is starting to seem like she might get fired soon. Long story. Let's just say today was very bad, and I wouldn't be surprised if she got the axe, even thought she really doesn't deserve it. My talks about leaving don't help, I'm sure.

So while I'm working towards moving out, I have made every commitment available to the OW. I told her that if she needed me for anything, if something came up for her or her daughter to call me and I'd take care of them first, deal with repercussions second. And I have, more than a few times. Went and picked her child up at school when she was sick, helping clear up her debts, paying a lot of bills so she can get school going... all things I really cheerfully do to reaffirm I love her and I am committed to her and her well being.

Last week she was hit by an uninsured motorist. She called, I went and got her child at daycare and went to get her too. All week I've been taking her to work, a route in this medium sized town where I stand a good chance of being seen -- I have two coworkers within a block of her apartment. I'm taking her home, picking up her child every day... I'm really taking LOTS of risks of getting caught (and no, I'm not secretly hoping for that.) I can't say I don't care because I don't want to hurt my W any further, but I really think it's important that I am there for my OW when she needs me.

Now she might get some money to get a car after all. I'm going to try to come up with some more money too because I don't want her to just buy some POS that will be more trouble later. She probably couldn't get a loan, she isn't working full time and her credit is way bad still, so I want to help.

OK. After all of this, she really is pushing me even harder to move in... which I want to do. I've talked to her landlord, who used to be my landlord, whom I pay the rent to every month, and I told him I was probably moving in. I have things I've moved in there already. But she still just doesn't believe me when I tell her I will, that I just have so much trouble when I feel like I'm destroying my W's life and mental state.

I guess it's just frustrating... I know she moved all this way to be with me and I haven't moved in there yet. At the same time, she forgets how much she complained to me back home that her handful of friends were unreliable and not truly helpful, that her family was unsupportive and terrible. She was always worried about money.

Now she has it pretty good. I have been there immediately every single time she's called, regardless of the risk. Her bills are caught up with only one or two small, old bad debt issues left to resolve. If she were so inclined she could move home and be in much better shape than she would have been if she'd stayed there these last months. And I've told her if she decided on that I would be very disappointed for both of us but that I'd pay to move all of her stuff home.

For those of you that talk about NC or just email from the EMA... I see her every day, and have probably missed a total of ten days since she got her last fall. I talk to her a couple of times a day on the phone and get email from her. I work with my W and live with her and yet I see the OW more often, spend more time with her and do more for her. I'm only still here because I see my poor W falling apart in every aspect of her life and I just can't seem to look her in the eyes and say "by the way, I'm moving out this weekend."

I'm not under some "I deserve" illusion. I didn't do these things for the OW to buy time or to build up some kind of "credit." I guess I just don't understand why if I am trying so hard to do so much for her, trying to make her life go the way she wants it to, she chooses only to focus on "when are you moving in?" I've been honest with her and told her why I'm still here and that I'm trying to make a smart, compassionate exit.

I haven't said any of this to her, and I wouldn't. My desire is not to treat her like some casual mistress, and I am aware that sharing my feelings with her could kind of make me look like I think of her that way. So I stay quiet or apologize.

I just don't get it. There's just no pleasing her short of my moving in, and as much as I want to do that, looking at my W on the edge of a nervous breakdown makes it sort of hard for me to get excited about it.

Anyway. Done babbling now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:41am
raining, when your OW moved to be with you, did you happen to give a timeframe of when you plan to leave W? I think that your OW is kind of feeling like my OM. Tired of waiting... I told my OM yesterday not to give up on me. Maybe you need to tell your OW something similar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:39am
I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and sympathize with your struggles. Is there anyway you can set up a timeline for action? I know this is really hard to do. But at the same time, it might offer some peace of mind both to your OW and also yourself. In the meantime, be honest with all the parties involved. And realize that there will almost certainly never be a "perfect time" to leave your M. At some point you will have to just take the plunge and do it.

Hang in there!!!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:16am
Mr. Raining, you need to tell your OW to back off. I mean, my om doesn't do so much for me and she asking when you will be moving in???? Isn't all that you do good enough?? Hmmph. Now I am angry for YOU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:34am
Man,

I would just be thrilled to be with my mm 2 times a week. I don't think this woman nows how lucky she is! But then again the whole thought of not having you completely to herself could be too much for her to bare. We all have that jealousy but I know it is harder on a single woman to be with a married man . Talking from experience too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:44am
It's never a good time to leave a marriage. You are the one who created this whole mess and now you are grasping at straws hoping that maybe tomorrow or a month from now it's somehow going to be easier. It won't. I commend you for what you've done for your other woman. I'm sure she appreciates that. But maybe more than all of this she wants to just be able to wake up to you every morning.

I am sorry but you have to make up your mind. You've been yo-yoing between two women, if I am not mistaken, for nearly 6 months now, hoping for a miracle and hurting both of them, as well as yourself, in the process.

If I sounded too harsh, I apologize.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:35am
I am a single woman involved with a MM. I also get to see him every day (when I am home) and talk to him a million times a day. I know that he loves me and he supports me in all the ways he can. I was sick over spring break, and he took care of me all week. He gives me money to go out and do stuff. He supplies me with everything I need, except him in bed with me every morning. He is in a situation where there in no specific time line for leaving. He is having to wait for some things to come through.

Now, do I know without a doubt that he loves me and wants to be with me? Yes. Do I still give him a hard time about not being with me in bed every night? Yes. I realize how much he does for me, and I love him for it. I am not taking anything away from that, but I am selfish and I want him with me all the time. It is really hard to be a single woman involved with a MM. I don't think there is much more you can do for her, but understand the way she feels. She sits alone every night while you go to a home with another woman. Even if there is no s*x in your marriage, it still hurts to know that you are with someone else, not us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:40am
Unfortunately there is going to be no really simple or happy-for-all-concerned solution. Boston is right. There probably won't be a perfect time. Raining, I commend you for all the things you've done for OW. But did she relocate on the promise that you would be creating a life with her? If yes, then you could do all the things in the world for her and she still wouldn't be getting what she signed up for -- YOU. Maybe OW is also feeling cheapened a bit because while she has to take material help from you, she can't seem to get your whole heart. I'm not sure because I'm not in your shoes... and I recognize that you are making some incredibly hard moves right now. Just a woman's perspective. And.. if you live in a medium size city, and have told the landlord you might be moving in, aren't you afraid of accidental discovery? You are taking a lot of risks. Are you sure you're not hoping for a scene that will make your decision for you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:16pm
well, several interesting and thoughtful posts. guess I'll answer a few questions in no particular order.

yes, she moved to be with me. And she will be. But the secondary reason she moved was to get some emotional and financial support, which she has. Yes, there was a timeline, and yes I've overextended it by a month or so. I guess I try to justify it to myself (and then to her) by pointing out what a swell guy I've been. It's hard; she is battling depression and often just really wants me there, says that she'll be happy then. But I'm a little more "of the now" in that I tend to be happy "now", not happy "when."

I understand the "all of me but me" post, the comment about how I go home to someone else. Actually, that's a pretty accurate accounting of her words to me. I guess it's just hard for me because even though I come home, my W isn't here, and when she is, we barely speak because she comes home late and basically crashes to sleep. I love waking up next to my OW too.

as for boston's post about making this whole mess... yep, it's my doing. I realize that there's no good time to leave and I'm waiting for some easy exit. I feel guilty about the whole thing and wanting what I want, and there are times I wish I'd have just bumbled along unhappily for the next 30 years like everyone else. and not really saying this to defend myself... but when my W comes home crying from work because it's a hellish mess, I can't add to it. Not wired that way. Call it weak, selfish, destructive, whatever. Can't do it. Recognize I should have been firmer a few months ago and stronger and left then.

as a last note, in reply to Saturday's question about being sure I don't secretly hope to be caught... I'm positive. Getting caught would hurt my W a lot more, and I don't want that. Telling the landlord wasn't so big a deal, I rented from him for years before I was married, and truth be told my W was pretty snippy to him all of the time when I rented from him... he remembers it and has mentioned it.

anyway. sorry if I seem a little less pleasant than usual... it's much harder to follow my own advice, and I do know what I'd tell someone in my situation... very similar to boston's advice. I just get frustrated with myself and the situation I've created.

thanks for the thoughts and opinions

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:19pm
(((((((((RAIN))))))))))

I understand your plight and your reservations completely... I know a hug doesn't solve everything, but it's all I got since I am sort of in the same situation with the same feelings...

I call myself weak all the time...I especially get the "I realize that there's no good time to leave and I'm waiting for some easy exit. I feel guilty about the whole thing and wanting what I want, and there are times I wish I'd have just bumbled along unhappily for the next 30 years like everyone else."

You took the words right out of my mouth...