How do you keep it secret?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
How do you keep it secret?
5
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:13am
Hello everyone,

I'm pretty new here but so glad I found you all! It helps to know I'm not alone.

After much thought and soul-searching, I have decided to pursue an A with a MM. It was not an easy decision. I dearly love my H but feel, for many reasons, that this is something I need and want to do. However, I am terrified of getting caught. My H means the world to me and I can't stand the thought of him getting hurt.

So my question, especially to those who have been in their A for awhile, is what tricks or ground rules do you have in order to keep it a secret?

Some of the ground rules we've decided on are:

1. Nothing in writing, including e-mails (although we do IM each other every day)

2. No gifts, cards, etc.

3. As few calls to each other's cell phones as possible

4. We pay for lunch separately in case the receipt is found

5. No playing "footsie" or holding hands under the table when the four of us are together (although this one is very difficult for both of us to adhere to for some reason)

Probably the riskiest thing we do is meet for lunch on a regular basis. I have no idea what I would say if someone saw us together. Of course, we'll probably also meet at hotels when the opportunity presents itself, and I'm not sure the best way to do that without leaving a paper trail.

Just asking this question makes me feel guilty. I can live with the guilt as long as my H and his W don't have to pay the consequences for it. So any help you can give me is greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:28am
We IM a lot and also talk on the phone during work hours. We both pay our own cell bills so we used to talk a lot on them as well, but since I've filed for D, I've asked him not to call me on the cell for a while (just in case my H sees a future bill), but I will call his cell from work or from a land line. We email a lot as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:09am
We do communicate through email, but only at work...never from home computers! We also delete all emails after they are read. We talk on the phone once a week or so, but again, only at work. We use our office phones or our work cell phones. When using the work cell, we both delete call histories. As for meeting, we have never met in his town or mine (we live pretty far away from each other). We try to meet halfway for each of us in another town. He has reserved the room in his name, but uses cash or will use work credit card when he manages to come to meet me there and combine it with a working trip. We both have the advantage of needing to travel around the state on occasion for work. Hope this helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:44am
hmm...well we make it a point to be very discreet. But I guess we do leave it up to chance a lot. We don't do anything physical in public. We don't answer eachother's calls when we are with our significant others. When leaving messages for eachother on cell phones, we are very generic about it. (ie: "please call me when you have a chance"..nothing dirty or leading) Definately NOTHING in writing. And #1 rule that I recommend is: DO NOT tell anyone. I actually have only 1 girlfriend I trust with the information and I even spare what I tell her. I don't want to give anyone any ammunition should we be at odds one day. And this protects everyone involved.

The best way to avoid getting caught is to always be prepared to get caught. If you are meeting for lunch, or out on the town...have a reason ready for anyone who asks. Whether you run into your husband himself or the kid from the video store. Hotels can be paid for in cash..no paper trail there.

I hope I helped. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:13pm
The key to keep it secret is to swallow....er... the passwords list,I mean. *wink* Anyway, just use common sense and don't put your other in jeopardy. Think twice before you do anything with or without them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:06pm
Thanks to everyone for their suggestions and help so far. I really appreciate it. Keep 'em coming if you have more!

And "privatelife," I totally agree with what you said about telling NO ONE. The more people who know, the more likely you are to be found out. And you're right about having a story ready in case we run into anyone we know while we're out together. I'm not very good about thinking on my feet in situations like that so I need to come up with something plausible so I don't HAVE to think on my feet.

Thank you again everyone!