My Last Day Here!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
My Last Day Here!!
19
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:19pm
This will be my last post here. It's over. He did have a letter for me in which he said he needs to focus on his W and M. Admirable! He does care for me and I will be in his heart forever. Admirable! He said that when he was on vacation, he almost felt a relief of not having to worry about the sneaking around, cheating, etc. Understandable!

We talked (he talked, I cried) for a while. I understand, I really do!. We said goodbye.

Then I got back to work, looking like a piece of crap I might add, and I thought I should recriprocate with my own very last letter to him. I would like to share it with you guys, this board has been a blessing to me. So here it is:


'I wasn't going to do this, it's against my better judgement because it makes me look weak, and I have been honest with you througout this relationship about my feelings, so many of the things I say you probably already know.

I will not pretend that I'm not sad - I am - but that is my issue to deal with. I've brought it on myself, I knew the consequences going in so, please don't feel bad or guilty (not implying that you do - just saying in case).

I am the person that became emotionally attached - again my problem, not yours. I have to say that I'm am very glad that I wasn't the type of teenage girl to sleep with every boyfriend and I used to be proud that I could say that the only person I ever slept with was my husband - but, I am so thankful that the only other person I have allowed myself to go that far with (and I was ready for), is someone with your integrity and lovingness - I wouldn't have had it any other way. And, I am proud of that.

I will agree with you that my marriage is the same as it always has been, and that our relationship has shed light on my inner self and what I want and do not want in a relationship. I would have like to work on it, with my husband which is why I told him my feelings for you.

Anyway, I do love you and I have for a long time - even before this started. Okay, maybe at first, when I worked at xxxxxxx it was infatuation, but my feelings for you developed into love, whether you want to believe that or not is your issue (if an issue at all), not mine. I feel blessed to love you. I believe you were sent to my path of life for good reasons, not bad. I learned things that I needed to about myself, by being with you. I will get over this.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I expected, or where I thought it might lead.

Anyway, I will treasure our "relationship" and all the times we spent together, forever. And, you have to know that I am here for you always.

I wasn't crying to make you feel bad. I'll miss you. Revelation - when my grandmother died, it was the saddest time in my life (since I'd never lost a person close to me in that way before). It took me a very long time to get over it and I thought about her every single day, I went to the cemetary often, and I would just sit there and talk to her and sometimes cry. It occurred to me recently, that yes, I do still think about her, but not every day. And the ache in my heart did lessen, although at the time I didn't think it ever could. I do not go to the cemetary as often. I still love her and always will. That is how I feel about us. Today, my heart is breaking and I will probably cry for quite a while, but not forever. I think I will occassionally go to our park, especially once it's gets nice out, and I will talk to you there, and let my feelings out there - until eventually I won't have to go so often. I won't think about you every day, just every so often - and I will still love you - but it just won't hurt so much!

Bye

K"

So, thank you all for your input over the past week or so (I can't believe I didn't find you sooner).

My thoughts are with you all. Thank you.




Edited 4/22/2004 9:09 am ET ET by red_bella

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:29pm
That was a beautiful letter, red. My heart aches for what you are going through. Be strong. We all love you here and wish you a lifetime of happiness. You deserve it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:37pm
Oh honey, I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. You letter to him really touched a place in my heart. THe revelation part is so...so...perfect. Well Red, just so you know, you can visit us every so often and give us updates. This is the affair support board, and I haven't been on here that long, but I consider you all my friends, and I think I speak for us all, when I say that we want to hear from ya...

((((((RED))))))))))

~BadKitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:39pm
Hi Red, I'm very sorry to hear its the end for your story. But your letter was beautiful.

Anyways, you take care. I may be joining you soon the Ending My Affair board.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:49pm
(((((((((((((red))))))))))))))))

Oh sweety, I am crying too...

I am so sorry it all has worked out that way for you...

I know that what I'm about to say is probably just going to sound like I'm putting balm on your wounds...but...

From your posts, you seem like a strong strong woman...and as hard as this is right now, you're leaving it with your head held high...and I admire you for that...

I'm not sure if when my MM and I end it if I'll be able to be that civilized with it...

Go cry...go scream...go throw things...

You have the right and the need to do that...

(((((((((((((((red))))))))))))))))

And stand tall...as tough as that will be...

~Laurie~

And don't leave us...we're here for you when you're feeling bad and need us in the future too, when you're aching for him...because you will...we'll listen and hug as we have done through all....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:54pm
bye bella. I hope you find somebody who will spend all of his time on you and love you like you do im. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:17pm
Oh Red! I know EXACTLY how you feel - how bad you are hurting. I'm sort-of in an on again/off again emotional A with a man I've come to care for dearly. He and his W are in counseling now and it is hard to say what might happen. I am also trying to re-build with DH, although it is tough as I rarely see him. I am right there with you in your pain. You are going to cry a lot. You'll feel numb when you aren't crying. You'll have a hard time focusing. You'll miss MM terribly. It will be tough but PLEASE hang in there. Pamper yourself. Give yourself time. You WILL get through it. (Hmmm... Maybe I should try to take my own advice...) I don't post to the Ending The A board very often - for some reason I feel much more comfortable here. But I do lurk there. I hope to see you around both boards. Take care of yourself. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:23pm
Red...

I admire his honesty with you. But even more so, I admire the mature way you are handling this. Your letter was well written and very clear on how you felt. It left no room for questions or confusion. The only thing I am wondering is where you wrote that you would still be there for him sexually. Do you really want to leave yourself open for that? Are you feeling like you will take what you can get with him? No doubt you love this guy. And the last thing you want to get caught up in..is him thinking he can just have sex with you and nothing else. Unless you're like me and happy with that. Which you are obviously not.

Sweetie, there is no need to stop visiting here. It's my first day here and already I feel such an overwhelming wave of support and good people. You are in a position to be giving advice out with your experience now.

Hugs to you as much as you need them. We're here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:33pm
Oh Red - lots and lots of hugs coming your way. It's so hard to feel so much and cry and not be able to explain to anyone. I don't know if you realize how strong you really are - it shows through your letter and through your post. Pamper yourself and don't leave here. I agree with the other posters - there's so much support and who knows what the future will bring.

I'm thinking of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:02pm

Oh Red honey... my heart goes out to you ((((((((hugehugs)))))))) you sound like such an amazingly strong woman... and if I know the type of person you are... you WILL get through this and go for what you want.


I have no words of wisdom for you here... but know that you are more than welcome to stay on board with those that care for you.


I also just wanted to share these quotes with you... which in your letter... I think you know only too well anyway.


"You never stop loving someone you truly loved, you just learn how to live without them"


"Don't cry because it's over... cry because it happened"


luv and hugs

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:12pm

(((Red))), I'm so sorry.

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