What is going on with him???????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
What is going on with him???????
7
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 6:11pm
Hey everyone, well if noone got the chance to read my post, i'll update you. I am a MW seeing a MM for a little over a year now, just two weeks ago we were just chatting on the computer and i just made the comment "I think the hardest thing right now is knowing that i am in love with you but i'll never be with you the way i want to be" and "knowing that you dont feel this just yet" his reply was "maybe" and i asked him maybe???, he said "i do" and i was like "u do what"? That's when those three little words popped on the screen I Love you i was shocked, i had the sick to your stomach feeling b/c i have waited along time to hear tha from him, I asked him "what is it about me that keeps you hanging on to the relationship" his reply "Faith" i was like "faith for what" and he said "for happiness one day" that literally broke my heart, i knew he was unhappy but i didnt know that it was really that bad. After that conversation i was on cloud nine and nothing could get me down, well here it has been 2 weeks since we had the conversation and i have called him and no answer. I know he just didnt say the words to make me feel better b/c he's not like that b/c in the beginning i told him after 9mths that i was in love with him and he said at the time he didnt feel that way yet, well now here it is out in the open at least between us but now he is doing the distance, ignoring thing again, i know he stays busy with work and all and i support that but i also know he does have access to a computer to just say hey and he wont do that. I am upset and very frustrated my his actions and i feel if he really didnt mean he loves me than he shouldnt have said anything if he cant stand up and show action with his words, Am i just being selfish, should i just give him time to get use to knowing that we have both fell hard for each other. I stay up crying most nites b/c there's times i dont understand what he's thinking and then i get all emotional. I love this man and i dont wont to let this go, but i know i cant be put on the back burner til he decides he's ready to take this further. I dont see how we are going to grow together if we never see each other. I just need someone's advice b/c i am really patient but it's gotten to the point now that i am tired of trying to keep this relationship afloat. Like i said i dont wont leaving him to be a option but what do i say to him about the distance part of our relationship, he knows we need to see each other more he has told me that several times but im the one who makes the time for him so why cant he do the same for me. I look forward to hearing everyone's replies, thanks for listening, i feel a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:27am

I'm sorry you're going through NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:12pm
Just wanted to say thank you for reading my post, everything you said in it is probably the truth, he probably did get in a comfortable place with us and liked it just the way it was but now maybe he feels now that saying he loves me has taken it further then he actually thought it would go. We talked about the affair and what we wanted out of it from the beginning and it's not for the sexual pleasure we were seeking but the comfort and everything else, mainly happiness that we wanted, we feel so comfortable with each other and yea i kinda can understand if he is scared because it's to this level now, i remember being scared, but i guess saying i love you really does change the relationship. I love him and like i said im willing to give him time to work out whatever he is dealing with, but i just would at least like to know so i can be there for him. He really is an awesome guy, he did fall hard for an ex of his and she hurt him pretty badly and i guess he wasnt ready to be vulnerable in speaking about how he feels b/c he was guarding his heart and then i came along and now it's just crazy in a good way. I dont think he expected this to last long and i really didnt either but it has thru the ups and downs and i think in the future we could build a very firm and strong relationship but he has got to stop doing the NC b/c then i start having all these thoughts and assumptions and really dont know what to think, but like i said i do really appreciate your thoughts on this and your advice does make me feel a little bit better. thanks again and take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:39pm
This is my first post, so bear with me. Does NC mean you're not speaking right now? In general, how do we get through the days or weeks when we don't speak, don't see them? Does anyone else get ridiculously insecure and start thinking the worst?

I fall into that trap sometimes, when everything is actually all right, and I just start thinking too much and expecting too much. Does that happen to you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 5:02pm
I know I am with you in that dark place right now! I don't understand how a man can be so loving and then turn off his feelings or put them on a shelf and go on with their life so easy! It just doesn't make any sense to me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:38pm
I truly believe that men are wired differently than we are. They seem able to live in the moment, while we are always wondering what's next. This affair thing has been really hard for me, because I'm looking at it as if it is the beginning of something, as if the possibility of happily-ever-after exists, and obviously, it doesn't. And I realize how immature that sounds, and that I should know better. But that rush of newness, the intoxication of a new lover, the butterflies in the stomach, have made me forget myself, have made me feel like a teenager in love for the first time. And that feeling alone has made it worth it, despite all the rest.

So lets all agree to go easy on ourselves. When that dark curtain of doubt starts to come down on us, as it does for xxx and me, we have to keep perspective, we have to find some way to take our minds off the guys and keep ourselves even and happy. Keeping busy helps. When the affair started I began running, and I'm up to about 4 miles a day. Running has become my Prozak, it's about the only thing keeping me from spinning out of control.

But I am also amazed at how a man can just shelf his feelings. Today my lover and I were both working at the same studio, and as we were leaving he started making golf plans with some friends for the weekend. It's irrational, I know, but it really pissed me off. A guy would never understand...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:55pm


Seems like we all go thru the same emotions.. I am not a fan of NC. but it happens everyonce in a while to me as well and it is a very hard thing to deal with. It consumes me..which makes my "normal' life very hard to live.. I am getting better but the whole A is a difficult situation. My feeling is he will come back and things will get better. I guess he just needs some time off...My MM does it to me..and then swings back in and everything is fine. It sounds as though you put forth the effort I put forth and it is frustrating when they don't make time.. but I am still here so there is something keeping me hanging on. I just haven't figured out what it is just yet.. Good luck!!

Cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 1:48am
New here, I've visited a few times, but tonight reading about how others of you are going through a period of NC and experiencing the same emotions I am, I just had to post a quick thank you to all of you.

My story quickly......I've been in a LDR with MM for 2 years now. I am also married and we both have children. Lately it's been very difficult -- long periods of NC as both of us have been very busy. Anyway, it just made me feel better to know that I'm not alone in how I feel during these "dark days of NC" (as I think someone posted above -- good description)

~^~ Dreams ~^~