synchronicity and irony

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
synchronicity and irony
5
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:28pm
Out of the blue today one of my two best friends called to tell me he is separating from his wife after 8 years. Apparently she has a serious gambling problem none of us knew about. Guess you never really know what goes on behind closed doors; seems I’d know that by now. For some twisted reason it sort of eases my thoughts about my own secrets.

Lately a lot of my own advice to people has come back to me, starting with boston’s reply earlier today to one of my posts. Someone else today repeated some advice to me that I had given in regards to something else, but I instantly felt it apply to my situation with my OW.

The OW has set this weekend as the limit. Either I’m in or I’m out. I can’t blame her for setting a limit, she’s been pretty patient really, and now it is realistically time for her to think about going back home. School is out in a month, time to take action. She’s a smart woman, that one, and very civil and loving about her commitment to leaving if I don't finish what I started now.

This evening we talked about my life and such, and she repeated my favorite advice back to me (without knowing how often I have said it.)

"If your life isn’t what you want, change it."

If I’ve said that once to my W I’ve said it a hundred times, usually in regards to whatever she was unhappy about that she just didn’t want to take responsibility for. So it’s ironic that it returns to me so clearly.

Lots to think about tonight. I’ve really benefited from my time with you all and gained lots to consider as I move forward. Thank you for feeding back when you have, and most of all for being ears in the dark that hear and understand.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:19am
I saw this coming, Rain, it was bound to happen. In all honesty, I can't blame her for not wanting to be kept in limbo.

Not so long ago I was in a somewhat similar situation only she was the one who had to make a decision, and I watched her go through all levels of confusion, indecisiveness and fear. And, unlike your other woman, I didn't have any right to push the issue and any ultimatum was out of the question because I was the one who created that mire that we both were sinking in.

In a sense, she is doing you a favor. At least now, your confusion and hesitancy notwithstanding, you have to take action - one way or another.

You should feel relieved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:39am
RC, I feel your pain I have been there. Base your decision on what you want not what you think another person wants or needs. You are the one unhappy, Were you born to live your life for someonE else? It will be painful at first but the reward of being happy will be so much more worth it daily. To get up in the morning and be where you want to and able to look at your self in the mirror and notice that your smiling is also a big plus.

As for your wife, I think she will understand. When two people are so distant it a bit easier and Pain doesnt last forever and Life goes on. I dont think your responsible for anyones happiness but YOUR OWN! Its really not as bad as you think its going to be, I think your afraid of the unknown! But then WHO ISN'T?

Good luck and stop thinking so much and do what you have to do to be HAPPY!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 11:50am
Rain - just wanted to try and offer a bit of support. I've been in your OW position and, while certainly not perfect, if she really loves you all will work our in the end. Keep your chin up and do what's best for you. WN
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:15pm
Rain,

All I can say is I know a lot of men who are unhappy with their lives because they don't want to hurt anyone.. all the time the, themselves are in pain.. Think of yourself and what is going to make you happy..

Remember this.. emotional pain is something that gets better with time and we grow strong each and every day from it.. So, what is going to make YOU happy... good luck with your decisions...

Cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 1:02am


Hi Rain~

I want to start out saying I am fairly new to the board, been doing more reading than posting, but I feel like there have been so many wonderful threads posted here this past week and has allowed me more insight to the people behind the user names.

You posted about two days again rain and I tried to respond and then lost it and never got back to it. So I will tell you sorta what I was going to say. At some point your W has to take ownership of what she has allowed her life to become and who she is as a individual. My bet is that she is not as weak as she acts or she would be a hard working professional that she appears to be. YOU have to be happy and I love what someone else wrote, how awesome will it feel to wake up everyday and know you that you are happy and fulfilled. That alone will be so empowering, but won't come easily, but you will eventually get there, time does amazing things. You can't ride two horses with one a$$ very easily. Good luck Rain and I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

OMAwxgirl