His wife passed away

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
His wife passed away
5
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 10:52am

One of those entirely weird situations, something that you would see on a Lifetime movie or something.


My boyfriend and I met while he was seperated from his wife of 18 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 12:20pm

>>>"I happened to be in his phone because we share cell phones, its nothing for him to grab mine, and vice versa, looking for a text message with someone's phone number in it, and found several text messages to people in his family saying that he missed her and that I wasn't letting him grieve the way he thought he should and that he still loved her."<<<

Are you that controlling though? Are you not letting him grieve the way he should? Even though I can grab and do whatever I want to my AP/BF's cellphone, I wouldn't (due to my respect for him) just go into his text messages and start reading. C'mon, there has to be some kind of trust and privacy, otherwise, things will turn into a big mess too. We women need to be secure in ourselves enough to know that they're with us because that's where they want to be.

No matter how his R with his W was, they still once shared love feelings for each other. He may now have some regrets of how things were left between them and it's too late to make amends. I would say, let him be for now. People will say and do crazy stuff in the midst of grief. Don't add your drama on top of that for now. Just be there for him if he needs you.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 2:30pm

the shock and freshness of grief will make him remember regrets and the good things that happened over a lifetime v. the last few years.

you made the right decision not the attend the funeral. you will make the right decision to give him space.

and if you can bring it up without referring to the texts, it might be a good idea to specifically tell him "i know it's strange and unexpected, but you may want to grieve for the loss of the family and the wife you once had. i'll back off for awhile to let you do that. but i hope you will le me know when and you will come back to me soon."

then actually give him and his kids that time for a better relationship in the long run.

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 8:26pm

I don't really think of myself as controlling... I was only in his phone because his sister had text messaged him the number of the OTHER sister, and I needed it to call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 1:31pm

Sweetie -


It all makes sense to me.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 6:53pm

This really is your bf's "thang" and he needs to work through grief, guilt or whatever else the best way he knows how. I would just step aside and let him do that.. It isn't about you....maybe things were crappy between the two of them but seh was still the woman he loved once and the mother of his children....he has to watch THEM grieve their mother.

I'm glad that you had enough respect and common sense not to go to the funeral....now all you can do is be there for him when he needs you so that you can all move on from this. It may bother you what he wrote to people in his phone but his actions pretty much proved that he didn't want to be with her.....so you have nothing to feel threatened about..for God's sake the woman is dead.