Owning his stress?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 01-28-2009 - 1:07am |
Maybe this belongs down in the vent section. I don't know. I was talking to a friend of ours (me and AP) the other day about the stress in AP's marriage and our friend, a man, says, "what about the stress you put on him?"
I then started thinking about the times when I have gotten to the point where I was asking for what I felt were reasonable things in a relationship, and he would get upset at me and tell me, "You're stressing me out."
Now he and I have been together for 20 months. I have stuck with him through all kinds of stuff. But I just really have a problem with this concept that I am the cause of his stress. This man has chosen to be in a relationship with me. He has chosen to remain in what, in my opinion, is a twisted example of a marriage. His stress is the result of his choices, not my actions, right? I mean, if I tell him that I am disappointed that he canceled something or that he doesn't make time for us to spend time together, I just have a hard time with the concept that I am the cause of stress. Yes, of course we have stresses that are similar to any relationship. But I say the cause of his stress is not me personally. It is the fact that he has chosen to stay in his marriage and be with me at the same time. That doesn't mean I am bad. It means the situation is bad. I don't think I should own this stress.

Hi Open... I just had to chime in here, because I totally get what you're saying. I'm OW to a MM and often have to deal with that issue as well.
He's committed to leaving the marriage, but it hasn't happened yet. So, when we have cancellations or plans get changed because of his 'situation' my disappointment often shows and he gets upset that I let it show. I fully realize and 'own' my participation in this crazy relationship, but it drives me crazy that he is the one keeping us in limbo. He's the only one who can change it... my only control point is to walk away. We've been dancing around that issue for weeks, and he's been making some steps, but I'm not believing anything until he moves out.
His stress about our situation is self-induced, he's got the power to change it... so I refuse to 'own' that.
Not sure if it helps, but felt good to vent a little too. =)
I have to agree with you...he has to own his own stress.
I'm looking at this in my own POV as I "was" the M person in the A (of course now I'm D and we're BF/BG IRL). I used to use this excuse every time I feel that then AP is asking or pressuring me for something I wasn't ready to do. As a matter of fact I don't know if you people remember, but I broke up with him before because he pressured me into taking him out of the closet and introduce him to my family. I wasn't ready to do that then and still even now I want to avoid it at all cost. He knows that it causes me stress when the subject comes up so he tries very hard not to mention anything about it.
>>>""You're stressing me out.""<<<
Is also my free pass excuse to make him stop pestering me about things I don't want to do or deal with. It's very effective.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson