Have THE talk next week

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Have THE talk next week
1
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 2:38am

Hi everyone,
After two weeks of limbo following discovery, AP and I are supposed to meet and talk about the future sometime next week. Mostly looking for words of advice and strength

Many of you know my story, as I've been around here for a while. I'm S with 3 kids. He's on third marriage (M 7 years), no kids with her (2 from previous marriage), serial cheater since before they got married, in therapy for PTSD right now (combat vet.) We have been together 20 months, much longer than his past dalliances. I believed he was planning to leave her in the spring. We had talked about buying property and building a house, getting all of our kids together for trips. For about 6 months, has been very concrete language about our future, not "if" but "when." He and I are fairly public as a couple with my circle of friends and with a few of his friends, as well as out in the community we live in. We also serve on a nonprofit board together, something I only agreed to after he promised me that we would not be sneaking around come summertime.

Two weekends ago, the world blew up. His W found something suspicious on his computer. He "confessed" to a three month fling with someone random he met through school and has convinced her that it is over. He asked me for some space to figure out what he wants. I was, of course, shocked, because I absolutely believed that he had already told me what he wanted. He is still going to his PTSD therapy. I am pretty sure they are also going to MC, which I find absurd on such false pretenses. I am also seeing a therapist now, to deal with all the drama. I have seen him once since D-Day. I really think he believes that somehow things will all work out for us or something. I think he is completely clueless and am very disappointed in his behavior and his decisions thus far. His W contacted me via chat last weekend and I played dumb, which I did out of shock and adrenaline and completely regret. Still, she knows my e-mail address, but not my name or anything about me.

So, we come to this conversation next week. I want to be strong and clear about what I want and need to see. I do love this man, despite being disappointed in his behavior. That said, I do not want to get sweet-talked into something I can't live with.

Here are the things I can live with:
• He needs to tell her the whole truth about things. It was foolish to make up a story because he and I are tied in many ways and I believe she will eventually figure it out anyway. I refuse to live the next 6 months or more of my life waiting for more drama when she figures it out. To me, this is not negotiable. I told him before that we would get caught. And I believe that we will have a second D-Day explosion when she figures out who I really am.

• I support him continuing this therapy and I am willing to step back from him while he does that.

• If he wants to continue a relationship with me, then he needs to start making meaningful steps toward ending his marriage. We cannot go back to the way things were.

• If he and I are going to attempt a relationship, and once he is through with his IC, we also need to start couples therapy in order to deal with multiple issues.

• My springtime deadline stands.

Anything I am missing here? I am going into the conversation very skeptical and really unsure as to how I really feel. I have no idea why he has done the things that he has done and am looking forward to hearing the explanation, no matter how pathetic it is. I think it will be telling in and of itself.

Send me strength, all. I will need it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 5:20am

You helped me so much through the early days of my A, but I'm not sure I am able to help you right now having had my own AP walk back into his M just a few days ago, after we had decided to make the move from A to R, from being AP's to BF/GF. I wish you the strength and courage to get through this. It seems to me that you have thought this through quite well and have covered most of the bases. The one thing I will tell you is good luck getting him to confess to his W. Your other demands seem very reasonable to me.

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