feeling confused and unsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
feeling confused and unsure
6
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 5:31pm

This is my first time posting on MAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 12:30pm

Simple. He's a cake man. Wants his M and something on the side. That's not a problem for someone like me (when an AP gets into the L word I run like hell - BTDT). But if what you want is for him to D and be with you, odds are you're in for heartbreak as he'll drag this out as long as you let him. . . .

I say this with regret and I do wish you well!

jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 5:29pm

>>>"I have said that I think he needs to "be true to himself""<<<

But, he "is" being true to himself. He's a cake-eater and apparently you know about it (with the >>>"previous 18 month A he had 8 years ago"<<<) and you still went for it.

Look, it's obvious you want more from this A than he. Otherwise, why the need to give you all the reasons (religion, parents, kids, christian college, and even throwing in colleagues, blah, blah) why he can't upset his RL. He is happy with how things are. Him having his safe comfortable "nest" and gorging in cake eating on the side.

>>>"I understand his fear of losing his reputation, but then why did he drag me into the mix and get the hook in this deeply?"<<<

Because somehow when you had that (first re-encounter) talk with him, "YOU" expressed all your needs for that stuff and he was just happy to oblige. He's done this before, he knows how to reel them in. You were already in the market for it, otherwise, all his sweet talk wouldn't have gotten him anywhere.

So, my suggestion would be to look deep within yourself and try to fill-in that void you've trying to fill with this man. Also a good time to re-examine the best thing to do for your unhappy M.



Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


- Ramona L. Anderson
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 5:56pm

Thank you Goddess and Jana for responding!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 11:59am

It's really nice to hear someone embrace the truth even when it wasn't what they wanted to hear, or it was hurtful. A lot of people come here looking for a certain brand of support, and are not happy when they don't hear what they want. So, it was refreshing to see someone react the way that you did, even though the news could have been better.

Unfortunately, I too see your AP as a cake eater. I think that he is using the whole "It will ruin my reputation" bit as an excuse to maintain the status quo. As you said yourself, he doesn't seem near as concerned about his rep when he is having sex w/ you, so why all of a sudden so much concern over what others might think when it comes to actually being w/ you.

Not just that. I love my AP, I mean really love him, and I wouldn't care who said what when it comes to me being w/ him. I don't care if the profit Elijah Mohammed (I know I didn't spell that right) rose from the dead, and said I better not see my AP. I would tell him to piss off too. Nothing would stop me from being w/ him, and nothing would stop your AP if the feelings, and the motivation were right. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care for you, or even love you in a cake eater kind of way.

Things are just really comfortable for him right now. Why would he want to upset the apple cart? Things are great FOR HIM just the way they are. There is no motivation for change when one is happy. We usual only seek change when we are unhappy. Most people don't care for change at all, especially major ones like divorce, or separation. We seem to usually pick the familiar even when it's not necessarily the better.

I don't know if anything I said to you is going to be helpful, but I wish you the very best.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 5:57pm

It seems that both your H and AP are "unavailable" in their own ways.


When a man says "be patient" - to me it means - "it's very possible that my wife could get hit by a car or get struck

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 8:56pm

I'm confused as to why your AP would be booted off MAS.