Just Ignore Me
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-08-2009 - 5:13pm |
There’s no good place for my post, but this seems to be the closest place. I’m usually active in another area of the boards (too embarassed to use the same name) but I’ve been lurking here and appreciate the non-judgemental support everyone provides. Anyways, my post really isn’t a question or problem well yes a problem, but it’s more of a venting – a place to put words to what’s going through my head and it’s long and probably borning to everyone but me. Forgive me for taking up your board but I needed to put my heart out into the world for a moment because keeping it all in is breaking me.
I think I need therapy, but how to explain to my husband in tight economic times why I need to see a therapist might be difficult. How to I explain to him I get obsessive about other men. That while everyone else in my family is an addict to drugs or alcohol or both, I seem to be addicted to falling in love. I don’t want this distraction, I want my focus to be on my family, our home, the kids but it’s not lately. I want my husband to make me happy - to be all I need, I want to go back to him being the only man I notice. Here’s my story if you care:
Last year for the first time in years I realized another man, a dad at my kids’ school, was into me. Me??? After burning the candles at both ends the last five years taking care of my dying mother and my young kids I felt like a used up dish rag, not to mention a fat dish rag. But soon enough I became obsessive about running into this Dad, making sure I was ‘cute’ when driving into the school parking lot. On the up side it was the motivation to loose the weight I had gained the last few years and start thinking about taking care of myself again. Someone was actually into me … and he was cute! Damn, it was good, and I was racked full of guilt. How hurt my husband would be if he knew, how could I put this kind of energy into another man, if I put that energy into my marriage imagine the good things that might come….months rolled by and our morning exchanges continued and then summer came with his kid graduating to middle school. My problem solved…for the moment. Truth was as torn and I could get thinking about how my fantasies should be directed to my husband and not this Dad, I craved the attention, the happy spark in his eye when he caught sight of me. I’ve decided that’s one of the trade offs for a stable marriage….those sparks can’t co-exist with security.
From that Dad I went on to Craigslist….yes, how embarrassing to admit, and had casual emails with a few men who seemed fairly normal (CL is not a place I recommend). Most email exchanges only lasted a few days tops, or if they did continue I’d get scared and stop responding….for a week…. then I’d be back posting platonic add for email friends. Well last fall I met someone on a local board, really nice guy and after 3 months of exchanges we actually met, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, even though we had exchanged photos when it came to in person there was seriously no attraction for me. I ended things that day, but I wonder what would have happened had there been an attraction, I was ready to kiss him….
Fast forward four months to the present day. Since the first dad I had also come to notice another man in the area who frequents the same bakery where I get my morning coffee, and I think he is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen….and I know he notices me, He always stares at me until I look at him to say hello. He is constantly on my mind. And this started sometime last year, not sure when, but before my internet friend…. The difference with this man is that he is not married, there is no other women who’s turf I’m stepping on, and while he doesn’t seem to be the type to go after another man’s wife, I can’t help but wonder if I made the first move what his reaction might be. And then I wonder, is it really him or is it me needing something I’m not getting at home? If this man drops off the face of the earth will someone new pop up and take his place??
These are the questions that plague me and I feel so lost, I just want my own husband to look at me the same way, to look at me and see something beautiful, not see whatever isn’t there. I want to be enough just as I stand. I want him to look at me and have me be all he needs, just as I am, but the truth is I’m never good enough. I want him to linger putting the cream in his coffee hoping I’m just running a few minutes late and will show up. … My DH’s constant quest to push himself, to have more, somehow I get sucked into the category too and it’s exhausting my soul. He’s a good man, and I’m sure he has his own story to tell, but I’m slipping away ……..

I wish I could give you a big..since I cant... I would offer that your best bet would be to communicate your feelings to your husband if you have not done so already...... I don't think an affair will satisfy what you have ultimately expressed and that to paraphrase in to have your husband notice you, fall in love with you..... I know my advice is easier said than done - and that over years behavior patters are established - emotional wounds are experienced and then as they heal - they scab over and those scabs get thicker - never really heal - the pain gets numb..... there are no written rules.... sparks can exist - maybe ..... but perhaps if you can find a way to communicate you can what I surmise you want
"I just want my own husband to look at me the same way, to look at me and see something beautiful, not see whatever isn���t there. I want to be enough just as I stand. I want him to look at me and have me be all he needs, just as I am"
the truth lies between reality and maybe what you can try to make it.............
Thank you for your thoughts - I have tried to communicate and typically he'll try for a little while (first I have to endure the 'do you know how hard I work..bla bla bla' speech) which pisses me off since I work and do all the house stuff too - I just don't make as much $$.
I am sure your looking has a lot to do with the way your H is. My H sounds very much like yours. He works, he works hard, and everyone has to know this. Everything I do or the way I look is never enough or good enough. It wears on you after awhile. Yes I have tried communicating with him and it falls on deaf ears because he really does not listen to anything I have to say. I know, on my part, this is how I ended up in the position I am in now, in love with another man.
I wish I had words of wisdom to say to you not to become involved with someone else because I am no one to talk. Just wanted to offer an understanding ear.
First let me say that I found your post interesting, and you expressed yourself very well. You were able to convey to me that you are very sad sometimes, and you came across as feeling unappreciated, and taken for granted. I think that all of us at sometime has felt what you are feeling, and for me it was demotivating, and depressing. The only thing that brought me out of it was my AP. Am I suggesting that you have an A? Absolutely not!
I think your idea about going to see a counselor is a great idea. Once you explain to him/her how you feel, and how you have tried to talk to your H to no avail. They will be able to direct you how to effectively communicate your feelings. I am finding out more and more that most of the problems that we have in communicating w/ the opposite sex is really just a matter of putting it into words that that sex would understand, and MOST people don't instinctively know how to communicate w/ the opposite sex, because our brains are just wired so differently, and we process the same info so differently that it's almost as effective to not communicate at all as it is to ineffectively communicate. Maybe your H would be up to MC? That way you are both learning how to talk to each other, instead of you doing all the learning and talking for the both of you.
I think it's like you said, you're just looking for the attention that you crave from your H, and that is a problem that can be fixed, unlike the damage often done by the betrayal that the WS often feels when they learn that their spouse has been unfaithful. So far, all that you have done sounds pretty harmless, but I find it hard to believe that if you were able to effectively communicate to your H what you have communicated to us, that it wouldn't be something that would make him sit up, and take notice that he is seriously slacking on the job, and better step up his game before he gets replaced. If it didn't motivate him, THEN dump him, and find yourself another man. But I promise you, an A is only going to confuse, and make difficult and already difficult situation.
I don't know if that was helpful, but I hope so. Let us know what happens. Good luck, and keep the faith!
Justice
Who knows why we do the things we do?
Thank you so much everyone for your comments. I was surprised so many of you would stop to read such a long boring post and take the time to comment : )
OMG star807 "He works, he works hard, and everyone has to know this" - that phrase seems so simple but can sum up my life sometimes - it does mean alot to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.
And lostintransition I've already been thinking about the addicted to love thing. As crazy as it sounds, all of my siblings have addictions - I don't drink or have ever tried drugs because of what I've seen it do to their lives. But I have compulsive tendencies too. I didn't write much detail about the online relationship (my posting was long enough!) but that had evolved into regular phone conversations and alot of explicit sex emails and conversations. I felt 15 again and when the attraction died I found myself on CL looking for new email friends.
And crime_fighter thank you for telling me that I expressed myself clearly. Seriously it was such a relief because mostly I'm told I'm confusing and don't know what I want and I guess I'm starting to buy into it since I hear it so much. I've been thinking more and think I could get counseling under the excuse I need some grief therapy, it's been a few years since mom died and I've actually tranisitioned pretty well but I think it would fly as an excuse. I don't know about the couple's therapy, I know for him I've already crossed the line with the internet relationship and I'm afraid couple's therapy would want everything out in the open.
Anyways, thanks again to everyone - I'm still off to coffee in the morning at least to say good morning to officer hottie - will keep you posted.
Hi,
Could you tell me the title of that book by Susan Forward. I saw a number of them at amazon.
Hi Takingcontrol2009,
The book is titled, "Obsessive Love: