Jealousy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Jealousy
4
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 6:03pm

Hi ladies/gents out there. I need some thoughts on my current jealousy issue and just some support to help me through it.

Quick story is I am a MW in a semi - LDA with a single younger guy (he lives a few hours away). I do confess that I love my A guy but am starting to come to the reality that I can't just pluck my H out of my life and him into it (that's my fantasy life). Again, long story short, much more to it than that! Kids are involved and I am basically trapped in a loveless marriage.

So, my dilemma today is that I have no choice but to let my A guy date. Heck, he cannot wait around for what might be for us and I don't want him to. He's lonely. He tells me if I said the word, he would be mine and only mine and move to be closer to me but for now he has to do what he has to do while I figure out my life (trying not to make any decisions b/c of him). And I agree 100%!!! b/c I cannot commit anything to him. We've seen each other 2x and are planning a 3rd & 4th visit. But only see each other once ever 3 months or so. So again, I barely know him and do not want to make decisions in my real life based on him.

So, he has recently started getting a little more serious with a single, no baggage younger girl. I do know he loves me much more (I am confident of that), but she is much more available and lives by him. She knows about me and is basically telling him to choose. His choice I think will be to choose her but keep me and lie to her about us. Again, I know it sounds bad but I cannot blame him, at this time, he cannot have me and I'm lieing to my H about him so I cannot be a hypocrite and ask him to do otherwise. Plus, I will loose, if I fight him. Since this girl knows about me she spends all of her spare time with him - meaning almost every night together. She knows when she's not with him, he's staying up late on the phone with me. So now, I get like no time with him and get to sit around thinking about him snuggling (at whatever else, though I try not to think about that) with her. And Valentines day - totally yuck. I'm spending it with a bunch of adults and kids - no romance and he's I'm sure going to do something totally romantic with her. He'd tell me if I asked, but I don't think I want to know.. YUCK! :(

I hope you do not think my A is a bad guy, he's not, he just doesn't want to waste a bunch of time wrapped up with a MW that cannot ever go past sneaking around and until I tell him it can go farther than that, he needs to keep looking for his happily ever after. BUT HELP ME THROUGH MY JEALOUSY! I want to be supportive as he is supportive of me dealing with my H and not making any decisions about that because of him. Part of me knows this relationship with the girl probably won't last, I see the signs already, but he's so lonely I think he will keep her around and I'll continue to have no time and watch him drift further away from ME! ARGHH. It hurts. Welcome to the life of an A, this is a first for me and never ever thought I'd be in this situation.

Thanks for your support

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: icandoit2009
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 7:47pm

Ican...

A couple of things. First of all, it's good that you have enough respect for him that you recognize that he should date others without sweating him about it. I've read many posts on this board where the married woman is all indignant because her single AP is seeing someone else. As much as I know it bothers you, I think you're taking the high road and that is commendable.

That being said I just wanted to say that he may be spending almost every night with her because he actually wants to, you know? How it sounded when you mentioned it is like it was only her. I just want you to be prepared that it might be him, too.

Finally, I don't believe anyone is "trapped" in any marriage. You do have a choice. Maybe that choice would be difficult and hard to do, but you still have one all the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
In reply to: icandoit2009
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 8:01pm

Hi there,

I am in a similar situation, except that I am the single one and I know how your SM feels. As much as I love my MM deeply, the whole situation makes me extremely lonely and frustrated and if I found a SM that I was compatible with and had good chemistry I would not stay in a R with my MM. I know fully well that my MM is just as lonely as me, even though he has W around. It really sucks.

I agree with you that you need to make a decision on your M based on what YOU want in life. Are you ready to talk about it with your SM? That would be my first step. You can't do much about her presence unfortunately; if he's into older women he'll eventually get tired of the younger chick's attitude and lack of life experience. Each person in an A is taking a risk of losing the other at any time, that's the painful part. We're here for you.

((hugs))

trix xo

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
In reply to: icandoit2009
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 8:39pm
Thank you both for your support. I do think he wants to spend time with her. That part hurts just as much. I know he likes her but also know part of it's loneliness. I know that. I'm trying hard here to handle things the best I can and not let it affect my reality life too much, it's just so hard. Thanks for support everyone :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
In reply to: icandoit2009
Wed, 02-11-2009 - 3:56am
I agree with Sillyme and Trixie. They gave you great advice.

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