Don't know how to handle it this time

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Don't know how to handle it this time
10
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 9:35am
Not sure how to handle not hearing from MM for the last 3 days. For those who haven't read my former posts, he left his wife ( again, 5th time) and moved into his own place a week ago Friday. Although he agreed to do things my way this time, be completely divorced before we could actually be together, he wasn't thrilled about it. I know he was lonely and he kept asking me to just leave my husband and home now and be with him, promised he wouldn't bail on me and go back to his W like all the other times, but I just couldn't trust him not to after being thrown under the bus so many times. Fast forward to last Wednesday night...he texted me a few times after work, then later that night I heard nothing until early Thursday morning when he told me "they" were going out of town because a relative died. I asked him if that was the real reason and if they were back together and he said no, they were not, but she was going along. I sent him a couple texts Friday morning saying I missed him and to let me know how he was doing, haven't heard anything.
I've been going over and over in my head how to deal with this Monday morning when I see him at work...I don't know if I should just ignore him and let him come to me and explain ( if the coward will) or if I should look him up right away and play dumb and tell him I was worried sick not hearing from him all weekend....I don't know, I have such mixed emotions right now..I'm so angry that he would this to me again. I cautiously let him back in my life after he went on and on about how he knew he f*cked up going back, he hated himself because he knew if he'd gone through with everything before, we'd be together now, he cant and wont live without me, he is not IN love with her and can't be happy there...GOD, it would be so easy if I didn't love him..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2009
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 10:14am
I'm sorry too!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 10:23am
Thank you...I need hugs right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 10:33am
Logic, yeah, that's the key word and I guess that's what I was using when I told him 2 months ago when we started back up that this was how it needed to be done. We tried being together right away when we left our spouses in the past and it never worked because he couldn't handle the guilt and would go running back. I told him that it was going to kill me having to wait 2 months for a divorce to be final so we could be together, but I also had to maintain some kind of control in my life and staying where I am and not risking what I have, was the only way to do it. He said he understood, he knew it was his fault I didn't trust him, but when it came down to actually doing it, I guess he couldn't handle it. Standing my ground this time does make things easier this time...I'm not sitting here alone wondering how to pay the bills. It still hurts like hell, though...and yes, I guess I should look at the other side of the picture. How does his wife feel knowing he's done this to her 5 times in the past year? But then again, she's always the one he goes back to so really, what does she have to worry about?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 10:40am

Good for you for holding your ground. AP and I both admit that we both have a problem with the guilt to leave our H & W. He is concerned she will hurt herself. I just feel bad, H has never treated me well, but yet I still worry about him being alone and hurt. Then I wonder how long I can hold out. How long will this be enough and when is it my turn to be happy?

Hopefully, this all works out for you. Are you still seeing him through this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 10:51am
Yes, we saw each other during the day at work, after work when I had the time ( he always had until his wife got off work, my H was already off work by the time I did) and I was stopping by MM's place in the mornings before work. The weekends were hard because there was no way I could get away by myself. MM and I live in different towns and on the weekends my H is by my side constantly. I too, have guilt for what I've done to H in the past year, but I also knew it wasn't fair for either of us to live this way even though I was the one with the problem, not him. He did nothing wrong. I know MM loves me, but he has a tremendous amount of guilt because he knows that she did nothing wrong either..he just simply doesn't feel the love for her that he should. He is IN love with me, but apparently that's not enough because he keeps breaking my heart by going back to her. He also receives numerous guilt trips from his adult daughter who still lives at home and throws in her little quips about how he can't be a part of his granddaughters life, blah, blah, blah...I told him there can be no us if he can't break away from that guilt and follow through with divorcing her. If he wants to stay in a guilt binding marriage for the sake of being in his comfort zone, then there's no hope for us. It's too hard for me to have him part time, I've tried that and I'm too passionate a person to deal with that kind of situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 11:05am

((((gabby))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Maybe ask yourself how you can trust this man after he did this to you 5 times... even if he moves out 'for good' the next time you will never be able to trust him fully... do you want to start off life with him like that? Don't put yourself through this gabby... don't contact him.

((hugs))

trixie

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 11:06am

Does his W know about you? If she does, I can't imagine why she keeps taking him back. If she doesn't, what does he tell her when he leaves her?

Good luck {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 12:01pm
I know, trixie, that's what the HEAD keeps telling me. What if he did finally leave and a few years down the road he's not happy with me? I don't know, I guess I am basing my experiences from the past. My H ( who is my 2nd, I divorced my 1st because he was a womanizer and an abuser) also had the reputation as a player. He had cheated on his first wife 2-3 times and again on his live in girlfriend with 2-3 women, one being me. I was very leery, but it worked out. The man has never cheated on me once...he is completely in love with me and would do anything to keep me. I know the reasons he did it before were because he was not happy and not really in love, but now he is. I guess, in my mind, knowing that MM has been with the same woman for 21 years and is not happy with her, if he would just let himself break away from the guilt and know what it means to be happy, he would see how life could be different. Regardless of whether he is with me or not, his marriage is not a healthy one and never has been, for either one of them. So, see, I know from experience the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is not true, because I married one and because of his being happy and finally really in love, he had no reason to cheat anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 12:09pm
Yes, she knows about me. He was supposed to sit down and have a "honest" talk with her that Friday he left and tell her that it was because he wanted to be with me and that he was still in love with me, but she wouldn't talk to him. I don't know what he's told her since then...he claims as of Wednesday afternoon they hadn't talked, but I'm sure he had some contact with her Wednesday night because he stopped texting me. I don't know what she says or throws at him, but it always sucks him back in...and like I've said, it's not only her throwing the guilt trips out there, but his daughter also. He told me it's hard for him to deal with her crying and pleading and I don't understand why she keeps taking him back when she has to realize that he cannot be in love with her or respect their marriage when he keeps doing what he's doing. He told me that his aunt had told him she talked to his W and she told her that she knew it was over and didn't want him back, so I don't know what's happened. I think it's hard for him to let her know that he's leaving her for another woman. He says she gets "religious" on his him every time he does this, whatever bearing that has on anything, but I know he has a very hard time dealing with guilt. I'm sure that's why he isn't contacting me because he's told me before that he felt guilt for what he'd done to me in the past also. It's just that there's more to lose on that side, I guess.