Worth the rollercoaster ride?
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| Tue, 02-17-2009 - 9:58pm |
So happy to find this board - my first post. I trying to cope with the emotions of a 5 months affair and finding it very difficult but at the same time exhilirating - the rollercoaster ride. Some background (sorry long)
Married for 7 years and our relationship is almost non-existant for the last few. I knew when I got married that he was a non affection person and very much into himself but I loved him at the time and did everything for him. He's not around much, we have a beautiful daughter and I feel like I live as a single woman doing everything. I have stopped trying and just absorbed myself into raising my little girl and working on being a better me - losing weight, building confidence.
In Oct. I was out with friends at a dance club (rare night out for me) when I ran into a old friend from the past. About 15 years ago, we hung out almost every weekend as a group had tons of fun but never any attraction for him. I found

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kelugirl,
I just wanted to write because I was at where you are.....right before I ended it. It sounds like you are getting to the end of your rope. My story is a little different, we were both separated when we met but in the end, his family did end up moving back into their home. Affairs most of the time are dead end roads, we know deep down we want to explore a relationship with the AP but life circumstances just does not allow it. The emotional rollercoaster just became too much and I became someone I did not recognize, crying EVERYWHERE, thinking about him CONSTANTLY, my job suffered, my friends and family, and mostly ME.
I don't want to sound cruel, but run like hell.
The short answer is that "the man of your dreams" does NOT put you on a rollercoaster. If he actually cares for you, he's straightforward about it and tells you so, to the extent he is able. Not everyone is going to say "I have these feelings for you," but he will show it by being consistently there - a friend first, THEN a lover - someone who, if he's decent, wants the right things for YOU before he wants them for himself.
It looks to me like you are looking for someone to love you more passionately than your H does. There's a big difference between a man who loves you passionately and a man who just likes having you around because it's fun and exciting. This guy sounds a lot like the second type. Which, I think, you already know.
Thanks to all for your candid, realistic advice. I know I have to run, as much as I don't want it to end (the excitement, the passion etc) but I know its not healthy, its not real, its not worth giving up so much for. I thought that since he knew me for so long and knows I am a good person, he wouldn't want to hurt me, play me...
"The emotional rollercoaster just became too much and I became someone I did not recognize, crying EVERYWHERE, thinking about him CONSTANTLY, my job suffered, my friends and family, and mostly ME."
You can send him messages trying to be "friends", but you will NEVER get the result that you hope for.
Good post "beenplayed". Sometimes we get too caught up with our fantasy of how things will be and how we idolized the AP in our heads that we get blinded to the reality of what's staring us right in the face. We tend to disregards the glaring no, no signs that would have had us running for the hills if we weren't too deep in the fog. It's a rude awakening for some when they finally do wake up.
Glad you found your way out and seems to have a good grip of your life now. Have you visited our EAS boards yet?
Take care.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
Thank you for sharing your personal stories with me to help me find my way. It has inspired me to move on (EAS boards next) and cherish the important things in my life that I have been risking such as my beautiful daughter, my family, my reputation.
The bad emotions are far outwaying the good feelings I had when I was with him. He doesn't care, I am being used for whatever reason, whenever he decides (he's in control) to make contact with me. Even though the last messages were so sweet and I was swept away by them, he hasn't contacted me in a week (longest in our time together) and I can't help but feel horribly rejected and wonder why, how come, what changed? Its sad...I never thought he would do this to me. I did think he cared.
"We tend to disregards the glaring no, no signs that would have had us running for the hills if we weren't too deep in the fog."
Wow, how does a smart girl like me totally ignore the bad things I know about him...sorry I have to write to remind me:
before the affair, 2 years ago he contacted me to let me know that he had a son but told me to keep it quiet (BAD)
noone at his workplace of 12 years knew he has a common law wife or child (PLAYER)
two of my friends, long ago may have been involved with him but he never acknowledged they were together, never in public, I think he just used them too (wish I knew the story...so curious)...I think he may still see one of them and I know she doesn't know that he lives with someone and has a child (SO BAD)
So yes, I was caught up in the fantasy, the attention I didn't get at home, and I genuinely felt he was sincere when we were together. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want me when the conversation was amazing, the sex was so good and so much in common but I can't get into someone's head to figure that out. I have to someone find a way to get beyond feeling rejected.
I'm running, hugging my daughter extra tight tonight and ending this rollercoaster ride.
Kelugirl,
I read your post here and on EAS today.
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