new here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2009
new here...
5
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 3:36pm

I happened onto this site by accident (ironically enough), but was relieved to see I wasn't the only one going through this. AP and I have been together nearly 5 1/2 yrs. Both of us were married at the time. I wont bore you with the when/where/how we met or for the reasons we became involved in the first place. It's the same story of how we were lacking what we felt were the most important things in our marriages. I will say, like most people I never expected this to happen to me or went looking for it...it just did. AP and I talk every day and see each other as often as possible. In the beginning we both agreed that neither of us would ever leave our spouses. As you can imagine as the years went on, our feelings have changed. To make a long story short, AP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: confused62
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 4:54pm
I can totally relate to your story. Although I am the one that left my H and my D was final yesterday. I can see his frustration, but from my perspective if you are not happy with where you are, you are not happy and IMHO I wouldnt stay for the sake of my child. Mind you I dont have one, my AP has three kids. I know he struggles with the exact same thing you do and feels the same about his W, like roommates. Eventually your son will pick up on the fact that ur not happy. You need to do what feels right to you! I know its hard to make a decision without worrying about regrets. Maybe try talking to a counselor, I went for two years before I figured out what I needed to do. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
In reply to: confused62
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 2:37am

Hi Confused62.

~vanillabeanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: confused62
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 12:05am
I am sorry you're going through this. The one thing I can say is that when we're involved physically and emotionally with another person, it certainly affects the relationship with the spouse. Especially for women. You just can't spread yourself thin like that and not have fallout. Of course you're going to look at the spouse, whom you live with on a day to day basis with all the routine and problems that accompany a marriage and see the AP as somehow better. I believe you said you've been in this affair for over 5 years. So for that time, your affections and attentions have not been on your husband or your marriage. You've neglected it big time. You may not think so, but there's no way you haven't. Since you are so torn, I say the only thing you can do to ensure a rational and honest evaluation of things is to end the affair and focus back on your marriage and your husband. Then, if you decide to end it, it will be with a clear head, not one that is fogged up with an affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
In reply to: confused62
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 12:49am

Oh my goodness... I thought I was reading about myself for a moment and this was a trick.. My situation is almost exactly the same as yours, except that I am the one that is about to leave soon. I am almost positive that I am not with the right person for me. My H is wonderful on paper, but we lack compatibility. My AP is my best friend, everything to me.. We are in a situation where it has been 3 years and we are at a point of both realizing if we should be together or not. He is at the point of realizing that he isn't in love with his W and they aren't compatible, but I am wondering if he will ever actually leave. I am afraid that when I leave - within this next year, he might not. I know that I have to do it for myself, but I have to admit part of it is because I truly want to be with the man that I have fallen madly in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with. IT is killing me to spend days and nights apart, and I have realized that that is the feeling that I should have for my H. That alone, shows me that I owe it to my H to allow him to have someone who feels that way for him. I am realizing that it is not me.. I am only being selfish, once again, to stay if I choose to. I am confused often by my AP. I know how much he loves me-- but can't understand why he wouldn't leave. He states he is confused! And Torn. This bothers me.. Because I feel that we should be on the same page if we are to make this work..
So, I don't know if this helps you.. But if you have someone that loves you, Left his W for you... (Which doesn't happen that often) what are you waiting for. Your child will be better off growing up seeing his mother happy and in love than resenting his father and mother not showing affection. That is what I have come to conclusions of . Only, I am trying to figure out if my AP loves me enough to be with me and not just have an A.

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
In reply to: confused62
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 2:49pm

Your feelings sound a lot like what I struggle with.