responsible & honorable A -- possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2009
responsible & honorable A -- possible?
9
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 10:09pm

Hi,


I've lurked here on and off for over a year and this is my first post.


A little background:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 12:36am

I suppose one can be considered responsible by taking precautions against pregnancy or STDs, but honorable?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 1:26am

Hi Elle, wow what a tough position you are faced with!

~vanillabeanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 10:52am
Well, in my opinion, the only way to make an affair HONORABLE is to no longer let it be an AFFAIR. In other words, be honest with your spouses and end the marriages, which I had always put one foot forward to do and MM also, but he always bailed when push came to shove, like he did AGAIN for the 5th time. I never liked the sneaking around, the lying, the "looks" from co-workers and MM felt the same. He was always the one who initiated the leaving process each time and this last time, I admit, I did not put the foot forward to leave the same time he did. I told him that because of his bailouts in the past, I couldn't trust him to not go running back to her and that I was NOT making any moves until he was on his own and divorced and if he loved me like he said, he would do it. Well, he moved out, talked to an attorney then fell right back into the guilt trip/financial reality trap again. Now, his love for his wife is more ( a week ago he was totally in love with me, couldn't live without me in his life, begged me to leave my marriage now,
knew his love for me was greater than he had ever felt for his wife) and he is never going to do this to her again....that's what he told me in the text message he sent me. Sorry, got off track and rambled a bit, but, again, there's nothing honorable about affairs and I feel if two people really love each other they should do everything to make it "right".
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2009
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 11:16am

I don't think an A can be honorable, but it can be responsible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 3:02pm

I agree with everyone else. I think I'm an honorable person in most aspects of my life (heck, I've WAITED in line at the bank to RETURN money because they gave me too much - twice - and I've pointed out mistakes in transactions where I had to pay more money because I've pointed out those mistakes - many times!) But I don't feel in any way honorable about my affair - not in regards to my H or my A/P. Maybe I'm "less dishonorable" in some ways. Never dissing my H to my A/P, never whining about my M, never expecting my single A/P to forgo dating or to be "faithful" to me, etc etc. But an affair is not honorable, it's shameful.

Responsibility is something else. I do try to make sure no one will be hurt but I also realize that might be impossible. People say "not IF you're discovered but WHEN" and that scares me because I honestly don't expect to be discovered, so I don't expect my family to pay the price for my sins, so to speak. But if I'm wrong, I'm risking terrible things on their behalf, and is that really responsible?

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 12:53pm
Well i guess it is possible to have a responsible A, with the only criteria being that both the participating people are mature and responsible in general.This is acheiveable only if they are true to each other ,dont play head games , want real well-being ,etc etc. But many a times this doesnt happen and one of the participant plays games and things go astray.hence the throwing under the bus,angry,bitter,hate and all the negative emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 1:30pm

Okay.....if the definition to responsible or responsibility

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 3:42pm

To the extent that any relationship that begins by dishonoring one's wedding vows - yes, I believe it is possible, because I have been in one for seven years. However, there is NO DOUBT that we broke vows that we made to our spouses, in front of our families, friends, and God. No matter how beautiful the relationship, it is still one that we are not supposed to have, and one that has to be hidden. Nothing truly honorable needs to be hidden.

People within a dishonorable relationship, however, can behave honorably towards each other and other people. What makes mine "honorable" to the extent that it can be *is* that we genuinely love each other. We don't look at each other as sexual satisfaction, or excitement we're not getting at home, or anything else that objectifies a person and turns them into something less than fully human. We began by respecting each other as colleagues, became friends, sparked a romantic interest, got to know each other as any two single people would (by talking, emailing, and spending time together), grew to love each other, didn't become intimate until seven months after the A began, and finally fell *in love*. In other words, it was always about having a complete relationship, not about trying to fulfill something that was missing in our marriages.

We didn't discuss our relationships with our spouses (especially didn't talk about sex), didn't point out our spouses' faults, didn't try to make ourselves look good at our spouses' expense, and always put our commitments to our spouses and children first. We have always been conscious that any effort we are willing to make towards each other, we should also make towards our spouses. Both of us would say we are better spouses because of how we have learned to relate to each other (I would not expect my DH to appreciate that fine point if he knew, but it's true). We are better parents, better colleagues, and better people.

We certainly don't plan to break up our marriages. Life is very very good to us, and there is no way we would inflict pain on all those innocent people for our own selfish gain. Isn't it bad enough that we know we are not being completely honest with them? Just because we don't take time or money away from them does not mean we are being an open book. So there is no way we would ever divorce so that we could marry each other.

We hope to always work together, retire together, and have interests in retirement that keep us close. If both our spouses die and we can marry in our old age, we would die very, very happy.

I see nothing wrong with loving more than one person deeply and fully. I have more than one child and love them both, and I think it's ridiculous to think that there is a limit on who a person *should* love. I know there are lots of people who will say I'm kidding myself when I say I love both DH and AP, but until those people get inside my head and can see how much I really enjoy living life with each of them, they just don't know.

It makes me sad that I will never be able to tell everyone that an A can be just like the best marriage in the world. It's a shame when I see people sanctimoniously talking about how holy their marriages are, when I know they are truly unhappy with their spouses and would be thrilled to have the depth I have with my AP on every level - emotional, intellectual, physical, and just the daily stuff (because we do see each other nearly every day). A marriage license isn't what makes a great marriage. . .

So the best answer I can give to your question, is it possible to have an honorable A is this: people can behave honorably within the confines of a relationship that is itself dishonorable by respecting themselves, their spouses, and their AP. Let every action on its own be honorable and responsible - but never kid yourself that what you are doing is either honorable OR responsible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 3:57pm

wow.and how!

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss