HELP -t his is a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
HELP -t his is a mess
4
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:13am
Wow. I don't even know where to begin. I am new so I don't know all the abbreviations. But I need for people to hear me out and I have no one to talk to about this. Everything is a total mess. My husband and I work in the same place. It is a big place, we're a few floors apart. My AP also works there. We have been friends a very long time. But about a year and a half ago he told me he had feelings for me. Things developed slowly, but only emotionally, not physically. We fell in love. About a year ago his wife found out. He was so excited about the fact that we could finally come clean and start our life together. But I (stupidly) told him I couldn't leave. I was 4 months pregnant with my second child with husband and I just didn't think I could do it. So he told me to protect me he would patch things up with his wife and they would keep it quiet. But that if he did this, we could never talk again. I said okay. And then I realized how completely heartbroken I was. And he was, by what I did to him. But slowly, things started happening again. A couple of months ago, things became physical. We are crazily in love. But always, he said he could absolutely never leave his wife bc of what he told her in order to get her to take him back. Over and over he told me that. All I want is to be with him and have a life with him. So about a month ago he says he wants to give us one more chance. I was so excited I could hardly believe it. But I told him about some of my fears. I was freaked about destroying my family - my two kids, my husband (He has absolutely no clue.). Well my freaking freaked out AP and he was traumatized and again feels so hurt, like I've rejected him again. I have been miserable with my husband for a long time (predating all of this stuff). I have felt for a long time like there is no love between us. None. There's no affection. No fun. No emotion. For example, our infant son needed surgery a couple months ago. The entire process, while in the waiting room, before, after, we didn't even touch. Not even a hug. That is not normal. And I feel guilty- it's my fault, I don't have any love b/c of the affair. But then what's going on with him? He obviously doesn't feel anything either. Oh and to throw another thing out there, my husband has always been close friends with this girl at work. I didn't let it bother me. I once asked him about it in a joking way but he thought I was nuts. So did I. Then I find shady/sexual emails b/w them. He denied everything, said its not a big deal, means nothing, nothing EVER happened. I said fine (honestly, given my feelings I don't really care and who am I to complain given what is goign on in my life). He doesn't really talk to her anymore. Anyway, I am lost. I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is crushing me and everythign is about to be destroyed. I know if i want any chance at happiness I need to leave my husband and start a life with AP. But I have now hurt him too much and I don't even know if that's salvageable. Really, I'm just terrified of coming clean and hurting my kids. Thoughts? Ideas? Just seeking support and encouragement. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:58am

((( hugs )))

I would seriously suggest taking a good look at your M.Its never too late to give happiness a shot.If you chose to leave, do it for yourself not for AP,its never a good bet.He was leaving for you and went back and is now resenting you for not following suite,thats what you may end up doing IF you leave for him and he is not there.

I am a firm believer in not staying in a bad M for kids but you have a baby,think nice and hard before jumping out.
Keep well.

Hope your baby is doing fine now.((( hugs )))

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 11:54am

I think you need to slow down and look at the whole picture. But I told him about some of my fears. I was freaked about destroying my family - my two kids, my husband (He has absolutely no clue.). Well my freaking freaked out AP and he was traumatized and again feels so hurt, like I've rejected him again.


This shows you that he does not care about your family. First of all, your fears are justified. It would destroy your family. With the economy like it is today, it could change your whole lifestyle. Your two children would be forced to be with someone else other than their father whom I am sure they love. You would be forced to share custody with your husband or soon to be ex. If your only complaints are "There's no affection. No fun. No emotion. For example, our infant son needed surgery a couple months ago. The entire process, while in the waiting room, before, after, we didn't even touch. Not even a hug."


I am willing to bet he will be grabbed up by someone who is willing to bring this out of him. If your husband is good to you, and your children...why on earth would you even think about leaving him? People feed out of others. Perhaps the reason he has no affection for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 12:30pm
I agree with the poster who says that your AP doesnt care about the 'real' issues.He has not been understanding about your very genuine problems of probably destroying the future of your kids which are a priority in your life.Had he shown understanding about your freaking out ,your thought process would have been different.Did he talk to you about what could be done? Did he help you sought you out your fears and find solutions?i guess not.he freaked out himself!! very immature.would you want to be with a man who freaks out rather than handles situations in a sensitive manner.I would question his being a good father figure as well.
i believe your freaking out was a better thing than leaving your H for this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 2:37pm
Thanks everyone for all of your thoughts. It helps so much to just vent and let it all finally out there. And hearing other people's unbiased objective points of view is an eye opener. I guess I'm just scared. Because ultimately I know somewhere along the line this is all going to come crashing down on me (and others). Anyway, again, thanks so much for the support. It helps to have listeners and to read stories of others in similar situations.