OMG WHAT A QUESTION..SPEECHLESS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
OMG WHAT A QUESTION..SPEECHLESS!
12
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 5:40pm

I cant believe what just happened!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 7:13pm

This is a huge lie "He said if he did not have respect for me he would not be talking to me." He talks to you because he wants something from you - talking to you has nothing to do with respect.

The fact that he thought he could test these waters with you shows you what kind of man he is and what he thinks of your relationship. He is out for a new sexual thrill - don't play into it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 11:39pm

This coming from a man who has had multiple affairs does not surprise me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 11:55am
You answered your own question when you said that "you knew what you had to do". Like one of the other posters said, he was testing the waters with you and is now trying to save face. He will tell you whatever he THINKS you want to hear to get what HE wants. He just showed you that his feelings for you aren't real and that he has no respect for you, sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2009
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 12:04pm

Oh darlin' run, run, run (since you asked for advice). =)

::Is there any truth in what he is saying to me about him being crazy in love with me? iF I continue to see him would I lose all his respect?::

The 'truth' is always so hard to know, I can only relate my own experience. I do believe my xAP loved me - as much as he was capable of loving anyone. I know now that he is really a sick man, classic narcissist, sex addict, ADHD, all of the typical signs of a serial cheater.

I ignored so many red flags, (just like his wife does): strip clubs (we went together, but he went alone A LOT), a 4-way w/his wife very early in our relationship (I wasn't involved), a client once bought him a BJ at a club, once he posted our picture on craigs list looking for a 3rd in anticipation of a weekend trip we were taking (immediately removed after I flipped - was already sharing him with one woman, wasn't looking for another), those are the MAJOR ones I turned a blind eye to.

In my fog, I ignored it all because he was being honest with me about his illness, his struggles, and I felt like I was the *one* who could change him, hold his interest forever.

Final straw was last week, he confessed to sleeping w/a stripper and I cut it off cold.

I've struggled over this response for several hours... can you imagine how embarrassing this is to admit? Even if it's anonymous, very awful to see it all in black and white... but I kept coming back to your post and feel like I owe it to you. You can choose to ignore this red flag and wait for the one that is the final straw... but I could have saved myself an extra year of heartache if if if

Oh… and the second part of your question: would you lose all his respect? Can’t answer that one, but I can tell you MY self-respect and confidence eroded more and more as time went on. I actually thanked him for telling me about the stripper, it gave me the ability to end it. I take my chops for my part in this, don’t blame him, I was a grown woman and ignored my own instincts. Now I’m trying to figure out why…

So, you’ve got my story… yes, someone is always worse off, better off, etc. But I really hope you get rid of this guy before you hit the next big flag. As you said,

:: I feel like crying because I know what I have to do but I dont want to.::

The right thing to do is usually the hardest. Sooner is a lot better than later. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 1:27pm

i don't know what to say about this one...but WOW!!!!! uhmmm, i am a believer in if you love something love it and hold it dear..that's the hopeless romantic in me..but on this one i say RUNNNNNNN forest RUNNNNNNNN...OMG....wow wow wow..he's off the hook chain and hinges....i would have made it a point to see him face to face just to slap him a good one....(not really but he would have gotten a tongue lashing)


cut your losses, hug yoursef (figuratively) and keep it movin', push forward and forget about him...he's outrageous

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 1:36pm
He doesn't respect you and is an AH (not Amityville Horror).
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 3:55pm

I need help.... I know what to do and I can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 11:54am

Sweetie -


I know you know this - but I'm gonna say it again - LET THIS GO!!


He does not respect you - his words and actions support this - he has stated no more emails - well that's pretty clear.


This man and this A are TOXIC to you - and now is the time to break that cycle - and begin, one tiny step at a time - to move away from him - and start re-building your life and look toward a better future.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2009
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 4:19pm

I'm an old timer here, haven't posted for over a year, my A is on a permanent hyatus right now, but still very real in my heart.. anyway, below is something a guy on here sent me when I had a question similar to yours about the things he says to me and if he means them.. hopefully this can give you some insight.. it might be a little harsh, but if you think about it, it's the truth. And it is coming from a guy.. it was Lazyafternoon.. not sure if he still posts here? Anyway... here ya go :)


"Wait a minute....you don't have to turn your head to discussions of "feelings" AP might have for you..just don't figure that will automatically change the equation. Guys KNOW that gals will enjoy the physical experience more, if feelings are involved. So why wouldn't he try to make you feel better by saying that? Your mistake? Believing him, and thinking that by his admission that the sands of the R would change, and suddenly he'd be responsible for more than what the A really is all about. Just because he KNOWS the booty will always be there, doesn't insure that the booty will be Intimate and Mind-Blowing, which tossing in his "feelings" guarantees.


What you don't understand is that there is a subtle game that most men play. Many are quite sensitive to women, respect their emotions, want to please them, and will go to great lengths to insure that the "booty" is more than the "booty" So speaking to feelings that even they don't understand or feel, but seem to sound right, seem to pacify them, and make them happier in this unseemly experience, goes a long way to making sure that there will be one more booty call, beyond the present excursion. Your guy sounds like one who wants to keep you firmly involved emotionally cause he knows that will make things easier. You take that response as meaning more than it is.....he is simply trying to connect, without really connecting, if that makes any sense.....


Women have a lot of power in a physical relationship...you say you "never made him feel obligated", but I would challenge that..you may not say it in words, but your Body Language says it in spades, and that is what he is reading....Don't be naive...he is picking up on a lot more than you think... but just responding in AffairLand..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 5:30am
Lazy always made a lot of sense.

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