Problems in extra-marital relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Problems in extra-marital relationships
10
Sat, 10-24-2009 - 1:29am

Problems/limitations in e.m. r. are many, which is the reason why I don't understand how some women get involved in a second one.

Let me share some with you and tell you my experience.

1. The eternal secrecy. boy, did i have trouble with this one. I couldn't tell a soul about him, except my friends, who didn't always understand. when everybody else parading with their man in public, you have to be hiding yours.

2. when you go out, you have to be literally looking over your shoulder cause you are wondering if anyone will see you and go and tell his wife. if HIS friends see you, you don't have to worry. cause they will not tell the wife but IF HER friends see you, oh my god, you are in trouble. cause they might tell her. you don't know. although some friends don't want to be the bearer of bad news and destroy anybody's marriage cause if the husband knows that you the friend saw him, he might resent you. so some friends won't get caught up with that.

3. you can't take him to family events. oh god. that one. if you are seeing someone and he is single, and you are serious, at least you can invite him to christmas dinner, you know any little family event, but girls, when he is married, you certainly can't.

4, if his wife finds out, she might come to your workplace to embarass you. thank god that didn't happen to me. i had a co-worker whose m.m. wife came to our workplace to curse her off. good thing my co-worker, drove out just before the woman came. but the woman told everyone. in fact she actually came into our office. good thing she didn't know what my co-worker looked like. she only heard about the affair with my co-worker and her (the woman's ) husband.

5. you are alone on holidays. if you are single like me, with or without children, you can't spend the holidays with him. he has to spend it with his family while you spend it with your children, if any , or if you don't have any, with parents and siblings and other family. i couldn't deal with that at all.

6. sometimes you have plans with him for the weekend and at the last minute, he can't come because of a problem in the family, sickness whatever. i couldn't stand that.

7. when you go out, you have to go out of town. if you go out in the area where you live, people will certainly find out. so you have to go out of town.

8. he can't stay overnight. so he stays until 3o'clock in the morning and then he gets up and goes home to his wife. i actually went for weekends with him when he had events he attended so that did not apply to me. we stayed over at these events.

i can't think of anymore. these are not meant to flame anyone. it is just food for thought.

to keep me from getting involved in any other e.m.r., i remember these things. and i always say that i don't want to get involved with any man who is going to get up out of my bed at 3 am and go home to their wife. any thoughts please?

anyone else think of anymore?

k2002
k2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Sat, 10-24-2009 - 12:24pm

Yes, there are limitations with an A if you're going to be careful ... here's how I look at your list:

1. "The eternal secrecy." That's alot of the fun for me. This is just for me.
2. "when you go out, you have to be literally looking over your shoulder." Solution: I almost never go out with an AP and when I do it's because we're in another place very far from home.
3. "you can't take him to family events." I've never wanted to take an AP to a family event. Never even thought about it!
4, "if his wife finds out, she might come to your workplace to embarass you." Well, I don't work . . . but yes getting busted is not pretty. Happened to me once several years ago and I learned my lesson.
5. "you are alone on holidays." Not true for me. I am with H and his family or my family or both. Never an issue. Why would I want to be with AP family on holiday?
6. "sometimes you have plans with him for the weekend and at the last minute, he can't come because of a problem in the family, sickness whatever." Yes, that happens - just have to go with the flow.
7. "when you go out, you have to go out of town." Yes, like I said, I don't go out with AP except when out of town.
8. "he can't stay overnight." He can when we're away. Otherwise no. Not at my place. I have stayed overnight with AP's in their place when I can come up with good excuse for H.

Just my .02

-jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 12:38am

ok. I see you are married too. i see how you deal with my list. sometimes i forget that there is a mixture. Single other women (like i was), Married other women(married women involved with married men) and married women involved with single men. Which of the two are you? i already see that you are not single.

Different people have their ways of dealing with these issues. Anybody else?

k2002
k2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 12:08pm

2 of my AP are married. The other has a live-in. I avoid single men. They can sometimes get too fixated, too demanding.

-jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2008
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 12:41pm

jana, i am soooo like you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 4:21am
That would be something you could post to EAS too. That post makes you think. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 11:30am

1. The eternal secrecy. This isn't an issue on our relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sat, 11-07-2009 - 11:38pm
I should modify point number 5. You are not really alone in the true sense of the word. cause when i was involved in an emr, i was with my family(parents, siblings and other family members) during the holidays. what i really mean is that he can't be with you during the holidays. he is with his wife and children(if any).
k2002
k2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 12:14am
which board is EAS?
k2002
k2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 5:38am
great post!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 10:15am
Jana, i like your attitude. your head is straight and your feet are on the ground. how do you do it? how do you not ever allow your emotions to get involved?

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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