Friend in affair wants to tell the wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2009
Friend in affair wants to tell the wife
4
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 5:53pm

A friend of mine recently kicked her H out - with good reason. He's a jerk. She's having an affair with a friend of theirs and he's also married. Before she kicked her husband out he was telling her that he would leave his W and saying how miserable he was all the time. Now that she's "single" he has been still staying with W and there's no sign of him leaving. He went so far as to tell his W that he is in love with my friend, but he's still not leaving. He says it's b/c of financial reasons and his kids (his kids are older teens, btw).


Now my friend is fed up, but she is attempting to end all contact with him. In the process, she wants to send an anonymous email to his W. She also is talking about reconciling with her jerk of a H which makes me think she's just lonely and upset that the OM isn't leaving his W.


I'm trying to talk her out of doing it. What should I tell her? Won't this just push the OM away even more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2009
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 10:15pm
If he already told his W, then what is it she wants to say to her? I think when child(ren) are involved its not the best to tell the W or H. I say that because the child(ren) get the blunt of the anger involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 10:15pm

Iwork, i think youre a good friend to try to help your gf in what could be a huge decision.

Does your friend have children?

What she should know and maybe you should ask her to read here and in EAS board, is that 99% of affairs end with the the OM not leaving the W. As are a distraction from everyday humdrum in most cases and are a gap filler for the WS and when push comes to shove, they really have no intention of leaving the M at all. Telling APs W will probably make AP hate her for threatening his M. If she wants contact with him at all in future, then to me that would be a definate no no. If AP wants to leave the W, he will in his own time and through his own doing (unless D-Day occurs) but no man likes to be backed in a corner.

In the case where she is trying to get her H back for fear of being alone then she will be more miserable than before IMO. All the problems that were in the M before the seperation are still there and nothing will change unless she and H get help like marriage couscelling. Being alone is not a bad thing as it allows you to concentrate on rebuilding self esteem, rejoining classes and hobbies that were not available when M and just getting back the old person. Lonliness in a M is far more painful than lonliness while being alone KWIM?

Ultimately your friend will have to make her own mistakes and decisions, so you just being around to lend an ear when she needs one will help her so much.

I wish your friend the best of luck but with a g/f like you looking out for her, she will be OK.

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2009
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 10:24am

Thanks for all the advice. The thing is, her AP told his W that he loves my friend, but he denied the A. He just said that he's in love with her and the W asked over and over again whether or not they were having an A and he said no. If I were his W I'd know better than that, but I'm not so whatever.


I do think her H is trying to change, but for how long, who knows. He's never "changed" for any long period of time.


I've been in similar situations so I sympathize with her or anyone in the situation. I just want her to be happy. I did tell her of my experience as well as friends of mine who've gone through it and the MM did not leave in any of those cases when he said he would time and time again. She thought her situation was different and to be honest, I did too. I was shocked when he told his W about his feelings, but it's one thing to admit the feelings and another to walk out the door, I guess.


Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 5:39pm

She should do it - why not? If he did tell the wife than its just validation. If he did not well then she spilled the beans. And being that she is now free of husband she has NOTHING to lose.

I don't believe this will FORCE anything. If he wanted to leave then he would have.

She should not go back to the husband - she would only be going to have someone rather than being alone.

You need to ask her why does she want to be with this man who obviously isn't willing to go above and beyond to be with her?