Any MW with Single AP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2009
Any MW with Single AP?
33
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 12:16pm
Hello, Im wondering how many of us are married with single APs? Is it just me or does it seem like its so much harder? Being that my AP and I live over 2hrs from each other,I find myself constantly wondering what he is doing? Obviously he is dating other women and so im worried about not getting out of my marriage in time to be with him. Sometimes I dont even know if he wants anything long term with me other than sex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 3:28pm
I am married with a single AP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 2:07pm
I was a MW (no kids) with a single AP. I can't say for sure if this arrangement is harder than two married AP's. Married AP's have two marriages and possibly two sets of kids to complicate things. I think it's just a different set of issues. My A didn't go on as long as yours has, but I understand the anxiety about the relationships he possibly might have going on. My A ended because my AP began a relationship with someone who was free to be with him. It was heartbreaking. I did get divorced but there was no AP waiting in the wings. We did eventually have a real life relationship years later but there were other issues and the R only lasted 6 months - we were also long distance during that time which didn't help. I am now remarried and have a child, and admittedly think about x-AP from time to time. Last I heard he was still single. He contacted me at one point not realizing I was married. This is not an easy road and I have to bring up the point that the majority of AP's don't end up together. The long-term agony of the situation is not worth it, trust me. Go NC with AP, deal with your marriage with your full attention, and even then there are no guarantees. I have nothing encouraging to say, but living clean has it's own rewards. I can look at myself in the mirror without guilt or shame. I will NEVER engage in an A ever again after living through one. The scars remain. Best of luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 4:18pm

I've posted numerous comments about this and either I get no response or I get abuse from people telling me that I have no right to question what my single AP does. I still have feelings and want to know how other people deal with it.


I am a MW and get into constant

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 11:10pm

I'm so glad people are finally writing about this! I too am involved with a Single AP (he's 39 and I'm 46) and have been for the past 3 years. He has been a friend of our family for many years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Fri, 11-06-2009 - 11:45am

I was MW with single AP. It was hard. I always knew he was free to do as he pleased, and I reminded him of that often. He's very flirty, and several women thought he was interested, when he was just playing. He's told me over and over that he only has eyes for me. It is hard for him to be single and you to be married. Now, I'm divorced and we are together full time. It's different, and it's nice to live a clean, honest life with him. We aren't living together, but we are together a lot more than we are apart. It's nice to go places and just hold his hand.


Anyway, the bottom line is this, if you want out of your marriage, get out of your marriage. If your relationship with ap is for real, he'll still be there and he won't be dating. If you want long term with him, you have to be free to make that commitment. I just don't think it's right to ask him not to date anyone else when he has no future with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Fri, 11-06-2009 - 8:13pm
I'm a MW in a relationship with a single guy and we've been together for a couple of months. So far, he is completely dedicated to loving me and only me, but I don't know if I can expect that to last long-term. I love him being single because it makes it so much easier for us to be together a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2008
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 4:42pm

I am one of those MW with a single AP. It is a very long story, but to make it short, I have been in a long distance A for over 6 yrs. now. AP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 7:53pm

I too am a MW "involved" with an SG (single guy). It's a really LONG story. Short version: became involved in 2006 at one job location. I broke it off by leaving the location. I couldn't gage where things were going, what was happening, how I was feeling, and the "feedback" I received from other people. He told me before I transfered "I will not be the cause of you leaving your DH".

For over two years it was strict, hard-core, take no prisoners NC. I didn't ask about him. I didn't talk to him. I would look the other way if I happened to see him on the steet. In short, I was miserable, but made it thru. Meanwhile, my M limps along, sexless.

Then, this past May 2009 the SG got me. Finally caught me at work. Talked to him this September. Had sex with him two weeks ago.

Since I am staying married, it's so darned hard. I have made utterly compartmentalized him. I haven't called him since we had sex. My DH knows about him too.

Heck, I can't offer any advice to the OP because need some of the same. I'm in my M for the $$$. My DH is unemployed (but his family is wealthy). I work FT and we have a child who is high-functioning autistic. I'd love to walk from my M, but realistically, you can't walk from one relationship into another one - without ending the primary relationship first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 9:29pm

I was very happy to see this topic. I somewhat started an AP with a single guy. Huge age difference, 14 years (I am older), and I have been and am wondering if it will last. He has been very hesitant about sleeping with me because I am married even though he was the one who started the flirting and actually came on to me. He was great at the come on but when push came to shove very cautious. I was upset because I felt he was playing games with me.
We did both decide to sleep together and he asked me what I wanted. I told him FWB. He didn't want to stay with me afterward or cuddle as he put it as he thought it would cause complications. I'm thinking he is afraid I am going to get too close. My problem is I don't like that this A seems to be how he wants but my feelings or wants don't seem to matter. He'll decide to talk to me online every week or so or when he feels like it. He's not being mean or hurtful ( not on purpose) but I feel like I cant even treat him the same as all my other friends because if I contact him too much he'll think I am chasing him. Basically the situation stinks and the little bit of high I get from it doesn't outweigh the crap I know will always follow.

I live away part of the year from him and know I can go see him at his work when I am in town if I want and things will be fine. Debating whether to bother continuing or not. Sometimes he acts like he likes me and wants to talk, other times indifferent. He seemed very happy to be with me and like he wanted to be together again but then I didn't hear from him till a week later, when he knew I had people there and couldn't see him. I can't figure him out and am tired of using the energy to try. He's not a player and I dont worry too much right now about him seeing other girls. He's pretty shy and I could tell sexually he was inexperienced. Wish I knew what was going on in his head but don't dare ask because guys hate that. Would rather have a married guy who was more into it and lets me know at least I matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 10:08pm

"Married AP's have two marriages and possibly two sets of kids to complicate things." Believe me when i come on this site, particularly this board plus another womens' site of which i am a member, i often wonder how in the WORLD married other women manage. cause as you said, there are two marriages and two sets of kids. i guess i often wonder about the above, because i was once a single other woman and it was really difficult. but at least it is only the m.m. who has to hide the situation from a wife and children. but when the the two affair persons are married, it is two spouses and two sets of children that you will have to hide the situation from. i would love to ask m.o.w. how do they cope.

also maybe it is stressful too for MW with single men.

k2002
k2002

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